To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

[keepingmypeaches]

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

Anyone who thinks a woman in extreme pain, having a person come out of a tiny hole in her body, should be made to cover up 'to make everyone feel better' wins the award for the person with the most raging case of idiocy ever known to man. Even when bringing new life into the world a woman must still do everything she can, to her own detriment, to make everyone feel better. HOLY FUCKING CHRIST.

This. With bells on.

Haven't RTFT, but I understand OP.

I was entirely naked and on all fours when I was in labour and delivering - or maybe just a bra, not sure now.

No one cared. I would have been baffled if someone had asked me to cover up.

Early labour and afterwards natural modesty would mean I was covered anyway, but during labour and birth - well it's all very instinctive isn't it.

I think with these things though it's best to find 'your people' and discuss with them, in the same way I found 'my people' when I was breastfeeding for a very long time.

I think what @Kikidelivers is saying is that 3 different HCPs, who see naked women day in and day out, are unlikely to be offended by the sight of a naked woman.

Either OP is exaggerating, has built it up so much over the last 12 months that it's not exactly as she remembered it, or that it did happen that way but with no agenda other than giving the patient some dignity (which is drummed into HCPs constantly).

I think what @Kikidelivers is saying is that 3 different HCPs, who see naked women day in and day out, are unlikely to be offended by the sight of a naked woman.

Either OP is exaggerating, has built it up so much over the last 12 months that it's not exactly as she remembered it, or that it did happen that way but with no agenda other than giving the patient some dignity (which is drummed into HCPs constantly).

Exactly

I could just about get my head around on midwife saying this.

But two midwives and one doctor. Completely separate occasions?

No chance

I'm so cross on your behalf OP by some of these comments.

So basically naked bodies are gross, should be covered up for the poor medics who have to see them, or OP is a liar.

Perhaps women should be treated from behind a screen then.

You're not unreasonable to feel sad about it. I hate that other women try to minimise people's negative experiences with 'But you got a healthy baby so it's all fine'. This is the root of the problem where women in vulnerable positions are ignored and their concerns minimised. Outcome doesn't automatically override process. And women shouldn't accept poor care just because it's the NHS. Of course we are all grateful for the NHS... but that doesn't mean poor care is acceptable just because we don't get handed a bill at the end of it. Social healthcare doesn't mean accepting poorer standards.

I haven't 'built it up'.

And yes Ki, there is chance. Because it happened.

I'm thinking it's because of previous complaints and them being overly cautious, but never the less, it happened.

But thank you oh so very much for being oh so helpful and empathising with me

I think the first 2 midwives had upset you, and without that you might not even have registered the consultant.
The consultant didn’t tell you that you should cover up. She saw you were feeding, and offered you privacy. You said it was OK - but the consultant will be aware that there is an issue of women saying what they think they should. So - she left you to get on with feeding your baby. She told you that she would wait. I see no issue there whatsoever - the opposite in fact.

I agree though that when people want to talk about their experiences, it isn’t right to shout them down with competitive suffering.

PikaPikaTink Wed 19-Dec-18 10:15:21
I've often seen women minimising other women's bad experiences around birth. I wonder why this is?

Being suggested to cover up is hardly traumatic though is it.

I have to say I agree with these comments:
Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?''
midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough
''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I can understand where you are coming from.

The midwives words when I had my first baby still stick with me.
I was 23 but looked about sixteen.
I can remember the conversation word for word.

Her: Do you smoke?
Me: No. I've never smoked.
Her: Really? Most girls your age do.
Me: No. I never have.
Her: I bet you didn't expect to have a baby at your age! I take it he wasn't planned?
Me: Yes he was planned. Just out of interest how old do you think I am?
Her: Well. You're sixteen aren't you?
Me: No.
Her: Oh sorry! Are you seventeen?
Me: Just have a look at my date of birth on my notes.

She never spoke to me again during my time on the ward and avoided all eye contact with me.

I'd like to think times have changed since then (my firstborn turns twenty next year!) and that midwives have more respect for young mums. I was actually 23 but admittedly looked a lot younger and it made me realise how hard it must have been for younger mums.

But thank you oh so very much for being oh so helpful and empathising with me

Your asked "AIBU to feel sad about this birthing experience?"

Your experience was being offered privacy and dignity. It just doesn't seem likely that 3 HCPs working specifically with giving birth are offended by seeing you naked. You're looking for reasons that don't exist.

If you are genuinely sad about it, then I suspect there must be more to this than in your OP.

No she wasn't offered privacy and dignity. She was made feel undignified and shamed when she was told to cover up after she had clearly stated she didn't feel the need to.

It is in no way protecting someone's dignity to insist that a woman in labour covers up her nudity after she clearly has stated her preferences, and had capacity to do so. It's the opposite, it made her feel shitty, like she was doing something wrong or strange, and I can imagine was massively distracting when you're trying to focus. Ignoring a choice that was within her right to make is not providing her with dignity or respect, at all.

Obviously this is very different to a dementia patient situation.

She was made feel undignified and shamed

Possibly because she's reading way too much into this.

Ignoring a choice that was within her right to make is not providing her with dignity or respect, at all.

All 3 medical professionals ignored her? It's unlikely.

I came to say that I'm not surprised in the least by the responses on Facebook but that things are different over here. I'm sorry to see I'd have been wrong. This place has gone right down the shitter.
YANBU. Everything is relative. Other people's losses or oppressed feelings about their own birth experiences (I experienced this and didn't realise it until years later), do not diminish your feelings nor take away the fact that you were treated like some kind of flasher during the most natural, yet vulnerable moments of your life

I had a completely normal, fast birth and I still felt fucking traumatised. Absolutely bloody beside myself, flashbacks and everything. I felt too scared to tell anyone because at the end of the day I had a healthy baby and I was physically healthy... ended up being ignored for PND and with what we later found out was completely undiagnosed bipolar disorder things went very very wrong. How I wish I had spoken out at the beginning but this awful social norm of saying ‘at least you have a baby’ or ‘be greatful I was in labour for 4862529 hours and had 4th degree tears’ made me keep quiet

I'm sorry you had an experience that made you feel sad or distressed.

On the one hand, none of us go into this for a 'birth experience', we go through it to have a healthy child, so I can see the point you FB friends have made.

On the other, its a powerful and vulnerable time and feeling are heightened. What we experience strikes us more strongly, and you've every right to acknowledge that you're hurt by things that occurred.

I had the same thing with my first baby, I was on all fours without any pants on and the midwife kept saying "let's cover you up" it was 500 degrees in the room and I kept kicking the blanket off. I had totally forgot about it until I read this thread, it was a bit of a non event. I guess she was just trying to protect my modesty? She tried a few times and gave up in the end. Of all the things that happened in labour it's the most uneventful!

Everyone is entitled to have their gripes about what happened to them during labour. Yes you have a healthy baby, and some people have truly hideous experiences. But you are not comparing your experience with that, and it sounds to me like you are perfectly thankful for everything that went right with the birth, you just have an issue with this bit. And that's perfectly understandable, especially if you are contemplating having another baby in the future.

I had issues with both of my labours. I had two perfectly healthy babies though so in the grand scheme of things it's all good. The first one I felt a bit unsettled about the reluctance to give me an epidural (which I hindsight isn't uncommon, but I felt I wanted it at the late stage and I've always been glad I did as it worked brilliantly) and on my second birth I had an absolute b*h of a midwife. I had to really train my brain to get over that one, and remind myself that yes, this woman was a compete cow and pretty much ruined the labour experience by her appalling attitude, but luckily she delivered my perfect baby girl without complications and we went home the next day without stress. I did speak to the head of midwifery about that though as it truly wasn't right.

What you're describing sounds so silly in this day and age where women are encouraged to move around during labour, do whatever makes them comfortable and have skin to skin contact with their baby. Perhaps it's too late to complain to PALS about this but if you are planning another baby I would make sure you tell your community midwife about this and state very clearly in your birth plan what you want and don't want.

But no you're not being unreasonable at all in my opinion!

I've often seen women minimising other women's bad experiences around birth. I wonder why this is?

I don’t think what the OP described constitutes a bad experience.

I had a wonderful experience when my first was born. Second time around, I had such high hopes and high expectations, and everything that could go wrong, did go wrong. I suffered terrible PND afterwards and I’m sure I made the birth worse for myself by making a big deal out of small incidents that, in the long run, didn’t matter.

Third time round – I decided to have no expectations whatsoever, to try and be more pragmatic. And it was fantastic not to sweat the small stuff. A sense of proportion is sometimes necessary. Could things have gone better for the OP? I don’t doubt it. But it’s not always helpful to focus on the things that went wrong.

I think the problem when I saw your FB post - is you continued to go on and on about it.
However some woman were rather harsh to you which wasn’t kind.

I think you got some good advice on fb though - to feedback to the midwives 😊

I think the problem when I saw your FB post - is you continued to go on and on about it.

I guess that's why OP got some of the responses she did, rather than the actual "problem" itself.