To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

[keepingmypeaches]

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

I'm a naked labourer, which is something I couldn't have predicted. With both children as soon as I was in established labour all I could think about was getting every stitch of clothing off me and if someone had tried to cover me up I'd have decked them I think - I couldn't bear the thought of something on my skin. It was like an animal thing and I'm sure if someone had tried to put something on me I'd have been very upset about it - it seems like a small thing but actually I really needed to be naked and someone interfering with that for no good reason would have been very intrusive and unnecessary.

I'm also a standing labourer - no lying down for me! With DS, my first, they wanted me on a bed and wore me down so much that I had to give in in the end - something that also really annoyed me as it was just for their own convenience.

The second time around I had a home birth and it was fabulous - I was in my own house so no one could tell me to cover up or lie down - the midwives had to ask me for a drink or to use the toilet. It was such a different experience, being in control in my own environment. DD was stuck as she was OP (facing upwards) and in hospital I would have definitely been told to lie down and then been railroaded into a forceps delivery. Because I was at home I managed to get her out myself because I could concentrate and do what I needed to do (which in the end meant getting on the couch at a very very weird angle!).

For me, childbirth was something I did, not something that happened to me. Having people trying to interfere and get in the way of things only upset me. I said to DH that if I ever had a third (which is not going to happen!) I would go into a room on my own and only let other people in if necessary - there is no need for people fussing around talking and getting in the way, it's too distracting.

As for the idiots who were rude enough to tell you how to feel, they're just not worth talking to really. It doesn't matter whether they think you have no right be sad, telling you that is just immature. Ignore them.

I think it was fine for you to be najed when delivering.
Post natally though I think you were being given space.However if you were skin to skin and the baby wasn't covered Iwould have covered you both myself as newborn babies loose heat very quickly and you would still be skin to skin.
More worrying is that you this still bothers you so far down the line.

I got told off for not fetching the screen in scbu while breastfeeding my daughter. Apparently it wasn't fair to other people that I could feed my child when others couldn't. Only people there were nurses and doctors, no other parents were on the ward at all! I was clothed and it's not like my boobs were hanging out.
I told them I didn't need the screen and wasn't going to be manhandling furniture in the cupboard a few hours after giving birth and if they wanted me to use a screen they could bloody well go fetch it!
I was surprised they had that attitude on a ward where babies were.

@teapot - ah, you're a doula. So a big financial incentive to make women mistrust the NHS and midwives, and make them feel that they need to pay for someone to 'fight' for them

Incorrect, and rude. I have an excellent working relationship with my local hospital trust colleagues. As a former midwife myself I know the NMC rules inside out and of course call out poor practice where observed, but personally, I prefer to educate families about their legal rights to informed choice and woman-centred care, rather than 'fight' for them. They then speak for themselves. I'm booked on this basis.

I suppose you could presume the midwives were trying to protect your dignity, which is hard to fault them for. People on Facebook can be right arseholes though. If it made you feel sad, then that's a perfectly valid way to feel.

Perhaps the midwives didn’t realise that you preferred to be naked and were concerned that you might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with it afterwards? I could imagine women in the past having made choices when in pain and under the influence of pain relief drugs which they are later unhappy about. They should have accepted it once you made your preference clear.

I passed out in the shower after giving birth so was obviously naked and bleeding etc. A lot of people had to come into the room and move the bed/carry me onto it. I was quite out of it but remember one of the women putting a blanket over me as soon as possible telling me that she was giving me a bit of dignity. I was glad that she did it and it made me feel acknowledged as a person with feelings rather than just a medical issue to be dealt with.

Why oh why would you put this onto FB? Come to Mn, get it off your chest, have some sympathy and maybe a laugh or two.

Don't ever go to FB, the land of the dick heads and share intimate things whilst asking others to leave feedback. YABU for that.

The rest, well sometimes random things just upset you. There were much worse things to get annoyed about during your birthing experience (by the sounds of it) but maybe you focus on this part as the rest is subconsciously too traumatic much thought into. I hope you do get over it eventually

Sorry, but I agree with the FB folk. If you had a healthy baby, I can't understand why you are still thinking about this. What a waste of energy.

Also, I've never understood why a woman would want to be completely starkers to give birth. Why do your Boobs need to be out? You have doctors and midwives in and out of the room. I would only want to be as exposed as was absolutely necessary. Almost like a man getting totally naked to use the urinal. Just why?

Giving birth is a bit different to peeing in a urinal!

@Huskylover1 have you ever given birth?

Also the curtain opening cleaners and Midwives refused to close the curtains again saying things like “I’ll only be a minute” or “it’s too stuffy in here” I wish I had more confidence tell them how rude they were. Next time I’m hoping to book a private room, but they are few and far between.

The trouble was/is the nhs cuts. There just are not enough staff, they are stressed and busy and far too important to care about the patients’ comfort. I do tell myself my son is alive thanks to them (it was touch and go) when I feel annoyed by it though.

@Huskylover1 have you ever given birth?

Yes. More than once. Never once stripped off, or felt the need to have my boobs flapping around.

I agree with TeaPot496

OP clearly states that she is upset by this, not massively traumatised.

She also clearly states the midwife kept on trying to cover her up, so it wasn't in an effort to help her at all, or the midwife would have asked if she was cold and needed a cover, and then left it when told no thanks.

I think you are completely right to not feel happy about this. I had a water birth with both of mine with a midwife present throughout. If someone had walked into the room and essentially said "I don't need to see your nakedness", I would have felt ashamed and embarrassed. We are at our least dignified in labour, throwing all sorts of shapes, making all sorts of noises, and to feel judged in that situation is shit.

Complain OP. It's not too late to raise this.

Some of the pathetic stuff on here that people get so worked up about and so many posters agree with them that the ridiculously trivial matter is hugely outrageous... you voice an opinion about birth an apparently you have to put up and shut up. Right...

From what you have said, it sounds unreasonable that they were trying to make you cover up after you expressed your preference. The initial suggestion could be taken as concern, but after that, they should have left you alone once you indicated you preferred to be naked. As for people asking why you needed to be naked, erm, because she wanted to. Few of us need to do anything, most of our actions are an expression of preference. If you can’t handle a naked body then I fear being a doctor/ midwife was not the right career choice.

Huskylover1

Maybe because they are a birthing pool. Probably because it's really effing hot in hospital. It's a huge physical effort, which again makes you hot. It's the most natural thing, why be a prude?

Complain OP. It's not too late to raise this

Really?

Complain about the midwife not listening to you when you felt the need to push, or about the bad stitches. But I'd bet they were trying their best to maintain your dignity and that it has absolutely nothing to do with them not wanting to see you naked.

I actually had a similar situation where I was walking from the ward to the labour room - I had been left for hours so it was too late and I was basically crowning. My dress was probably up my backside and the midwife kept warbling on about covering me up and it gave me the rage. It made me feel, in the midst of everything, a horrible sense of shame.

Maybe people don’t want to see my bits, but it’s a fucking labour ward so visitors can avert their eyes (there was no one around though). Your situation was even worse OP because you were in a private room. No, it is not a “big deal” but I didn’t know we aren’t allowed to complain or discuss “small deals” for fear of being shouted down because worse didn’t happen.

A consultant being odd about you breastfeeding on a bloody recovery ward is disgusting as well. If he doesn’t like it he’s in the wrong job.

Can’t understand some attitudes on here.

^^

Having said all that, it isn’t complaint worthy. People are very quick on MN to say RING PALS for every little thing. Sometimes in life it’s ok to have a grumble about something without needing to take up time and resources to complain. This is one of those times. It’s probably what they are trained to do for a variety of reasons.

I think you're being a little unreasonable. The nudity probably made them feel uncomfortable. Also, if a doctor came to chat with me while I was topless I'd be mortified, I'm sure a few others would too (not right or wrong, just difference of opinion). My point is that I guess the doctors need to be careful about their approach to nudity and similar as they'll be overly aware of causing awkwardness or discomfort or feelings that their behaviour has been inappropriate, all which are things that could receive complaints. The doctor patiently waiting for you to put a top on and telling you to take your time, not rushing you, well to me that sounds like professional and appropriate behaviour. As for total nudity during labour, maybe the midwife felt that if you even just popped on a nightie it would be a bit more dignified and make everyone feel better? I don't know. But I do think medical professionals need to be be so careful, they can receive complaints so easily. I definitey don't think they did anything wrong by asking you to cover up - it's not like they aggressively forced you. And labour isn't pleasant but a couple of comments about clothing do seem like a funny thing to get worked up about

As for total nudity during labour, maybe the midwife felt that if you even just popped on a nightie it would be a bit more dignified and make everyone feel better?

Can someone please articulate what’s wrong with this?! I am not able to find the words, but this is so very, very wrong on every fucking level.

Reflection and life long learning is now a core part of a midwife's revalidation requirements. I think sometimes we imagine 'complaining' means the shit hitting the fan, and sometimes it does (justifiably!) but things are moving more towards re-training and education where care falls short, rather than heavy-handed discipline.

Midwives use feedback from women (both positive and constructive criticism) for reflection, to meet these revalidation requirements.

In addition, maternity services have a remit to be seeking and responding to feedback. This is a core part of all sorts of programs such as the Maternity Transformation Programme, the Better Births government report etc... there are financial incentives for trusts who prove that they respond to and improve care.

So a mother passing on her thoughts about her care is now welcomed by the hospital trust. Whether it's big issues or smaller. If it's causing a mother to feel sad then they would definitely want to know.

I totally empathise. I’d have really resented them trying to cover me up too. I also hated that the second shift of midwives hadn’t read my birth plan at all (even a cursory glance) and that I had to go through the whole first stage of labour and transition with no pain relief except paracetamol, and wasn’t allowed in the pool because they didn’t believe I was in labour. I still feel resentful 2 years later. I thought it was pretty well established that mums need to talk about their experience in order to process it.

Whether it's OP being told to cover up, or other people having curtains flung open unexpectedly, it's all part of patients not being viewed as individuals and exposing them as being not the ones controlling the situation. And it's that realisation of it all being not under your control that is distressing and I think contributing to PND in many people. Certainly the case with me - a bit more listening at my first birth would had led to far less issues later, like the antenatal psych teams and a plethora of HVs and nurses.

Though my only experience with trying to be naked was quite funny, thankfully - I was being transferred from the MLU where I'd been naked in a pool, to the CLU which meant using the public lifts. So MrNC was trying to chuck a sheet over me and I kept chucking it back at him and it kept going over our heads while the MW tried not to laugh. I have to admit I think MrNC was doing the right thing given I wasn't coherent enough to express a view - but if I'd been saying I didn't want it, then I'd expect to be listened to!
Apparently the public decided to wait for another lift...

And birth shouldn’t have to be ‘dignified’! It’s the most raw, primal, animal thing we do and that should be respected if that’s what the mother wants.

The nudity probably made them feel uncomfortable

Good Christ, they're in the wrong profession then. It's perfectly normal and the done thing to be stripped completely in a birthing pool because people get too hot. Why does a bed make it any different?

As for total nudity during labour, maybe the midwife felt that if you even just popped on a nightie it would be a bit more dignified and make everyone feel better?

Why is me being naked in a private room, labouring, with one midwife and my DH undignified if I'm not dressed or don't 'pop a nightie on? Make everyone feel better... who exactly? The midwife should be able to deal with it, all part of the job. And I can assure you my DH has seen it all before