To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

[keepingmypeaches]

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

Thatwasfast I think it could be if you had repeatedly said you didn’t want them to pay your arm. I think the thing that makes birth often so bad is feeling like you are no longer allowed to have your wishes respected and that people have control over your body rather than you consenting.

I was given an episiotomy without anesthetic when I explicitly didn’t want one and they didn’t tell me what they were doing. I swore “what the F** did you just do!”.

So for me consent in birth is crucial and even a seemingly small thing can become major if it’s expresses against the wishes of the patient.

I can understand how this made you feel very uncomfortable at the time. I remember feeling all weird and embarrassed when a Dr insisted on a nurse finding something to cover me up with while he examined my c section wound. By which he meant cover my legs up, as I had my nightie pulled up to be examined. I mean, he was examining my public area, just how immodest are my legs in comparison ? I can't even really explain why it left me feeling so embarrassed tbh. It made me feel like a piece of meat and he only wanted to inspect one disembodied bit of me maybe? I can see how, if I'd had a traumatic delivery, something like that would prey on my mind afterwards (maybe it has as I still squirm thinking about it 13+ years later).

It doesn't matter how major or minor something is medically, if it bothers you you're not going to forget all about it just because your baby is now fine. Yes, it's not the end of the world, but no one should be making labouring women feel embarrassed, uncomfortable or immodest. It's tricky because some women may be mortified at being uncovered and appreciate a midwife discreetly covering them when they can't do it themselves. I think instead of telling you to cover up they should have asked if you were fine uncovered, listened to you response and then not bugged you about it again.

As for people telling you you're wrong to want to talk about it why is it up to them what you can and can't discuss or feel unhappy about?

I had a birth rather like the OPs, I was boiling, I got naked, I had a 4th degree tear, but all in all it was an ok experience - because my midwife actually listened to me. I do remember pushing and a senior midwife coming in and saying "you're not even trying", that was totally demoralizing.

Privacy and dignity? The room was private. As for dignity, it's labour not tea with the Queen.

I have had a paeds A&E doctor try to bugger off and come back later because I was bf'ing my poorly baby. Even though I insisted he stayed (we had had a long wait) he kept to trying to leave. So I don't doubt the OP at all (particularly given the attitude displayed by someone purporting to be a HCP on this thread)

If you don’t want other people’s comments, why ask for them on a public website x 2?
If you want to discuss your feelings, with people who care and are sensitive to you, discuss them with your actual friends.

OP, you had your partner and your mum with you? What did they say about it?

OP I suggest you ask for a birth debrief with a senior midwife and also speak to PALs. I’ve had a good experience of not wanting to sue or cause major problems for busy NHS staff but wanting PALs help to ensure they get it right in future. You don’t have to ‘complain’ to do that. They can represent your views who (if they arejustified) will then use it to train and inform staff. Mine wasn’t lodged as an official complaint, but I did want assurances of how they would make sure it didn’t happen in that way again.

This probably happened because the HCP’s wanted to respect your dignity. It sounds like once you’d made it clear you didn’t want to get dressed then they didn’t push the issue.

Also HCP’s need to be careful about placing themselves in vulnerable positions too.
Most doctors I work with won’t perform checks that involve exposing patients without a chaperone present to protect both themselves and the patient. I understand it’s slightly different for midwives due to the nature of their work, however a woman is more likely to have someone with her throughout labour placing her in a less vulnerable position than a patient on their own on the ward.

From what you’ve said it sounds like the midwives we’re trying to protect your dignity and with regards to the doctor it was probably easier for them to wait until you were covered to check you than it was for them to try and find a chaperone on a busy post natal ward.
I’m sorry you feel affected by what happened but do you think you’re focusing on something minor to avoid focusing on the bigger issues like getting a tear and a traumatic labour?

Daffyduckface the OP makes it fairly clear that the midwives continued to push the issue despite it being Crystal clear she was happy as she was

I thought health care professionals are always encourage to protect patients modesty. You didn't get told to cover up - it was suggested. I'm sorry but yabu

To feel momentarily irritated by the situation - YANBU.

To feel sad about it still, a year on, makes me agree with PPs that perhaps you're focussing on this to take your mind off the possible trauma of your tear etc.

I have read this whole thread and am in two minds. One the one hand, no-one should ever have their own worries and upsets belittled by someone else's experience - this shouldn't be Labour Experiences Top Trumps. Your experience is your experience, you own it, and you have the right to feel how you do. However, on the other hand I can totally see where the Facebook response people are coming from. I wouldn't have written something similar to them but I may well have thought it. My DS1 was born 16 weeks prematurely and spent the next 17 weeks fighting to live. I have never known trauma like it. As it happens, I was so bewildered and dazed that I managed to flash to the entire hospital when I visited the NICU for the first time wearing a gown that was completely open at the back and no knickers. (No that wasn't remotely intentional, and pales somewhat in comparison to the rest of my whole birthing/NICU experience.) I would, if I'm honest, feel that your situation was minimal compared with having a teeny tiny baby fighting for every breath. However, the FB person who very sadly lost her baby would most likely shout me down with "well at least your baby survived". Unfortunately Labour Experiences Top Trumps will always be played out on FB (and indeed Everything Else Experiences Top Trumps as well.) But I guess if you made the comment then it's inevitable that others will respond as they see fit....

I hope you are OK, OP. Personally I think I'd ask for a birth debrief and I'd mention all of your worries and concerns - hopefully talking them through with a HCP will enable you to put it behind you.

I'm so sorry you are feeling that way and the negative experience is stuck replaying in your head. Have you tried some self help CBT to try and store that memory away in its proper place. In the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't seem like a big issue to many people, but what matters is how it made you feel. It sounds like you felt like they were trying to humiliate you. I'm really sorry you have been left feeling like this.

Of course people can always play top trumps, , my experience was worse than yours. Objectively this might very well be the case, you saying you didn't have the birth you wanted does not invalidate the trauma they went through, but neither does the trauma they went through invalidate your feelings.

I can remember recounting my birth trauma where both me and baby nearly died, his heart was practically untraceable, my blood pressure fell through the floor and couldn't be recovered for days. I had a crash c section under general when they started cutting I was still awake. I spent a week in HDU and son in SCBU with strep b pneumonia. I was left for years suffering ptsd. One person who's child had died, said well at least you have a baby.

Although this comment seemed awful to me, it was more about her than me, its about time we learned that yes we all want that healthy baby at the end, but that is not all that matters, mums (and dads) matter too.

Yanbu. I imagine it felt as if they were trying to shame you, which is not what you need when you're already going through something as undignified as labour.

Just because there are worse things that can happen during childbirth doesn't mean that you should have to put up treatment that make you uncomfortable.

I get you. The bits that stay with me are minor.. a nurse fainting as she cleaned blood off my naked bits after a c-section. Another one saying we don't do hospital underwear in your size (I was size 16) There should be no shaming or modesty needed on a labour/postnatal ward.

Firstly, of course YANBU in saying that these things upset you. It's your opinion and you're entitled to it.

As an HCP myself, I can understand the incident with the consultant. Patients often feel pressured to say 'yes' to HCPs and there is always a power differential between the HCP and the patient. I would guess that the consultant was worried that, even though you said it was OK for her to come in, you were saying that to be polite. I don't think she was wrong to err on the side of caution - I know you were genuinely fine with her being there, but other patients might not be. Just have a look at them number of threads on MN where posters are extremely upset with something an HCP has done, but didn't feel they could say anything at the time.

It doesn't mean that the consultant was uncomfortable with your body. I always let patients undress in privacy, for example, even if I am about to do a vaginal examination. It's not that I am uncomfortable with their bodies (I must have seen at least 10,000 vaginas ), but I try to minimise the time when they have to be undressed in my presence, in case they are uncomfortable.

Trying to cover you up in labour is weird though - I'd say about half of women labour either totally naked (by the end) or with just a top that ends up hitched right up

Am I the only person who noticed that OP has lost 2 babies? So maybe those dismissing this as a first world problem should back off....

I'd have thought it was odd to be told to cover up while I was giving birth. Or breastfeeding for that matter. Especially in a hospital. But I think that there's probably something else going on if it's still troubling you this much 12 months down the line