To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

[keepingmypeaches]

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

(why? to Thatwasfast btw)

I understand op. Other pps have hit the nail on the head - it took power away from you, it focused on the "shamefulness" of your body and not its power, implied that you were immodest /shameless, that your naked body wasn't allowed or trusted to do its thing but was something that should be covered up.
You're getting mixed responses on this thread but I for one can understand how it would have been upsetting.

And someone mentioned a male consultant might have felt uncomfortable - if you are an obs /gynae then naked women are par for the course. If you are a male surgeon of any discipline, surely you have seen naked women before?

OP, you have every right to express your unhappiness with aspects of your experience. I feel the same and frankly, I hated when the dinner lady came to check what I wanted to eat and didn't look away when I was just in my grotty maternity bra! I feel a bit better about it now because time has passed but it'll probably irk me next time.

The stories we hear about how bad labour used to be, women told to shut up, not being listened to etc, only changed because medical professionals realised that it was wrong. Things are a little better now.

So keep talking and be open, so other women won't have to ask themselves if it's wrong and might speak up. That's how things change, not by putting up and shutting up.

YANBU to be sad about any aspect of your birth experience - very few of us get the textbook delivery that we had imagined. And it is often the smaller things that can niggle and make you wish you'd said more at the time. I spent months coming up with a model retort to a very irritating Registrar!

But I do think you need to move on? Holding onto any kind of irritation about the experience is not productive IMO.

I didn't have a healthy baby and I completely understand how that could upset you. It would me.

I'm sorry that happened to you, bad birth experiences are minimised so much.

I think YABU. This was at a hospital right? You have to abide by their rules including being dressed appropriately. If it's at home then it's different. Besides, your baby was born healthy. In the grand scheme of things this complaint seems insignificant especially to other people who had even worse experiences such as losing their baby. No birth plan is 100% followed. They are always things we wish we could have done differently.

Sometimes people are helped to move on by an acknowledgement that what happened was not right, not ok and feelings of sadness are completely normal x

You have to abide by their rules

No, you don't

including being dressed appropriately

Naked is appropriate in those circumstances

The consultant one is maybe OK, as that wasn't really an emergency, but yes it sounds like the midwives were being ridiculous. Being naked is a completely normal and common thing in labour. The way you described it, it sounds like they were telling you off like a naughty toddler who is running around with no pants on.

And I don't at all subscribe to the "you have a healthy baby so nothing else matters" school of thought. If people had that attitude about everything, this forum wouldn't need to exist. Every thread about MILs, parking, Xmas presents, hamsters, sleeping, etc, could be simply answered by "well at least you are alive".

Nurses can be very prudish, especially if male staff around. Wtf!?
Only acceptable if other patients or visitors can see you.
Body shaming is not ok. Enjoy your baby

Its your experience, your trauma and no one else’s matters. If we all one upped on experiences no one would ever get any help.

The whole ‘healthy baby’ thing utterly undermines maternal health - both mental and physical.

I’m sorry that people are so uncaring.

By the same token, should we leave toddlers to cry over a dropped cake because worse things have happened? Or do we acknowledge their pain and offer support. I know which one I would.

All our lives are different and we should support those who need it, not judge them to see if their grief is worthy.

You have to abide by their rules

There aren't any rules for what women should be wearing, or not, in labour. There aren't any rules about how much boobage women have out when in a private bay on postnatal ward.

I don't agree that women should have to brush off shoddy treatment if they had a healthy baby - that's a bloody low bar in this day and age, frankly

This is what I came on to say. The absurd reverence of NHS staff has a lot to answer for. My mum was treated appallingly by a paramedic. Does anyone give a shit? No because he's a paramedic and beyond reproach

You have to abide by their rules including being dressed appropriately.

Yes - if you give birth after 8pm it’s evening dress ONLY, accessories optional.

Oh and I'm a HCP who occasionally does force people to cover up. Eg, dementia patients who don't know what they are doing, or people who are a bit odd and want to walk around the hospital garden pantsless. But that's a completly different situation.

In established labour, behind a curtain? Yes, absolutely you have a right to be miffed. Modesty is not a concern. Midwives sign up for this - it's part of the job.

In postnatal, it's up to the consultant whether they choose to come in. They chose instead to come back later.

Arch She didn't really choose to come back later. She chose to make me cover myself whilst she waited behind the curtain, then came back when I was covered

The absurd reverence of NHS staff has a lot to answer for

Definitely, bunnyup.

I had the opposite experience, cleaners throwing open curtains in wards when I was doing skin on skin and partners were there. Breastfeeding helpers grabbing my boobs without asking. The powerless feeling of being exposed was one of the things I remember most about the whole experience, and I had a horrible labour.

Everyone is different I suppose.

I said it wasn't a big deal because I really don't think it is.

I agree with PPs that comparing to others who have had it worse isn't always the best way to look at a situation, but it can be helpful to put things into perspective.

In this case, I'd be more upset about the refusal to examine whilst you had the urge to push. Or about the botched stitches.

You feel how you feel so of course it’s not unreasonable. As PPs have said though it’s maybe more of a disappointment/surprise to come across such an attitude to a woman’s naked torso. In the scheme of what can count as a bad experience though it does sound fairly minor and hopefully unlikely to impact on your MH long term. One of DDs twins was stillborn and the other tiny and was in NICU for weeks. Think she wouldn’t have even noticed staffs reactions to her nakedness after such an emotional and physical battering.

I think you are getting less sympathy because you are in a minority of feeling more comfortable without clothes. However in hospital you are expected to let complete strangers examine your most intimate areas and it's stupid to think you should cover up as much as possible . They all just stared at your fanjo ffs so why does it help to put a gown on after. It's a lot more logical not to care.

I don’t want to dismiss your experience either but like Huggy I think it sometimes can help to put things into perspective.. Sorry if my post came across as if I thought what happened was nothing though. I didn’t mean it to.

@teapot - ah, you're a doula. So a big financial incentive to make women mistrust the NHS and midwives, and make them feel that they need to pay for someone to 'fight' for them. Instead of normalising a normal experience, and say; you know what? that isnt really a big deal.Are you ok?

That explains it, thank you.

I obsessed about my DCs name in the months after a normalish birth.OBSESSED,. Had all sorts of emotions about it. Those emotions weren't valid or rational, turns out I had PND.

Maybe look up the symptoms of PND OP? I had a horrendous birth with DC2, only a few months ago, and I look back on it fondly and with humour as it brought me DC2. The difference is I dont have PND this time

People will say: Oh, you are entitled to feel however you like' But to feel so bad about such as small issue (IMO) says tome that you may be struggling with your mental health.

OP people reacted the same way when I voiced that I was unhappy with my birth experience (including the hospital listening service). Whilst I agree that in the whole scope of birth related issues, this is on the lesser end of the scale, and the having a healthy baby is indeed the most important thing, it is not the be all and end all.
The attitude in this country that women should give over all control to medical professionals is entirely wrong. Women are legally allowed to have as much or as little medical support/input as they choose, yet are lead to believe otherwise, and made to feel like the are putting their baby at risk/being unreasonable if they choose to opt out of that care.
My first birth affected me so badly, I declined most antenatal care and birthed unassisted for my second child. I researched from reputable sources, and made informed decisions about the health and care of myself and my baby. EVERY appointment was a battle, and I was told I HAD to do things because it was trust policy. Not correct at all, but that's a whole other thread.
OP if it's still bothering you, I suggest you take this up with PALS or a specific post natal service if your hospital have one. The more women speak up for their wants and needs when birthing, the more likely things will be to change for the better in the future.