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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel sad about this labour experience? FaceBook Mums seem to think I am!

191 replies

keepingmypeaches · 19/12/2018 09:52

I was repeatedly told to cover up. Twice during labour, once on the post natal ward.

The first two times were by two different midwives. I kept repeating ''Please just leave me as I am, I am hot. i am comfortable like this''.

The second time this happened in labour, I was on all fours screaming and begging for someone to check how dilated I was because I really felt like I needed to push. I was told no, I couldn't be anywhere near yet. But the midwife said 'come on now, lets cover you up a bit (I was completely naked but I was in my own private room). I said, again, please leave me as i am. i am hot and I am more comfortable without anything on me. She said ''Come on now, cover just a little bit''. I said no, please just leave it. Moments later she left the room, and DH had to shout for help because he could see DS's head crowning.

The third time was by a consultant on the post natal ward. She went to enter from behind the curtains, caught a glimpse of me with nothing on my torso (I was having skin to skin/feeding with DS but my bottom half was fully covered). She said ''Oh no, I'll come back when you are covered''. I said not to worry, I am comfortable like this. i do not mind at all! :)'' She said ''No, please cover. I'll wait behind here until you are finished. Take your time''.

I posted this experience on a Favebook Mum group, in a much more light hearted manner, about things that make you uncomfortable during the birth/afterwards. I really was not trying to moan or have a big whinge. I just wanted to chat to other people who has given birth, and share my experience and see if anyone else felt similar.

The responses I got shocked me. Things like ''You have a healthy baby, whats your problem?'' and ''He is one now, isn't he? Why are you going on about this?''. Another person said I should be thankful I could give birth on the NHS for free, and that midwives work bloody hard and aren't paid enough. Someone else said I should have just kept it to myself, or if I really wanted to, speak to my husband or something.

Another person came along and said ''Take it from soemone who has had a stillbirth and been through hell and back, this is nothing and a non issue. get over yourself''.

I cannot get over these responses and wondered what Mumsnet thought? again, i really wasn't complaining or mentioning names/even hospital or area. I just wanted to get it off my chest.

AIBU to feel a bit sad by it? I just wanted to explore my thoughts a bit by posting. For what it is worth I had a 4th degree tear and suffered for months because I was not sewn up properly. That doesn't bother me though. The cover up thing is what stayed with me, for whatever reason.

OP posts:

Original poster

keepingmypeaches · 19/12/2018 10:22

That said, on a Facebook group there are likely to be women who gave had truly horrendous experiences and I wouldn't choose to share my experience here, personally - it's all about proportion and although we might not have had a great time, it could have been a lot worse. Seeing someone like you or I complaining about relatively minor worries coukd be very hurtful to someone who lost their baby

I've lost two babies. But it is a completely separate matter to a labour experience and I wouldn't ever have it taint my view or sympathies for someone else.

OP posts:

icannotremember · 19/12/2018 10:23

I got asked to cover up whilst breastfeeding ds2 at postnatal clinic. People think that we all share their hang ups about bodies and nudity and the back of a baby's head.

Haworthia · 19/12/2018 10:23

I've often seen women minimising other women's bad experiences around birth. I wonder why this is?

Yes, and one of the ways they shut conversation down is by saying “You have a healthy baby don’t you? Stop complaining”.

OP, you have every right to be pissed off by the midwife shaming you for being naked and for not believing you when you said you wanted to push. It happens to women in labour all the time. Women aren’t believed when they say they’re in pain - that’s why outcomes for heart attacks in women are worse than men.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2018 10:25

I had the epidural then needed an emergency c section. Therefore I didn't go through labour pains or anything like that
However imagine when you're in that much pain you really don't give a hoot about your dignity or who can see you naked.
Im so sorry for that poor lady who suffered the horror of a still birth. However it was very wrong of her to turn that around on you. We know there are worse things than being told to cover up In labour. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to vent though.
Oh and I think you need different face book "Friends"

Thatwasfast · 19/12/2018 10:26

As a HCP, part of the job is protecting the dugnity of the patient.

So I imagine they were considering your right to privacy, and trying tocover you up when lots of people were around.

When you were breadtfeeding topless, sounds like they were being respectful, and not just barging in while you were in a vulnerable position?

I think most people would appreciate these efforts. I certainly did, when I had mine. I don’t see what you’d problem is. Are you projecting unhappiness about something else onto this one (non) issue?

TeaPot496 · 19/12/2018 10:28

YANBU It IS a big deal and should not have happened. Being told to cover up in those situations is entirely inappropriate, shaming and demeaning - I would feel sad too - don't allow your feelings to be minimised (fyi I've worked a lot in maternity services in various different roles).

It's worth feeding back to the team for some closure for yourself - you can do this via PALS or emailing the head of midwifery.

JellyBaby666 · 19/12/2018 10:29

Rather than telling you to cover up, they should have asked if you were comfortable (thinking PN here) rather than projecting a feeling of it being inappropriate or uncomfortable for them. I'm really sorry you weren't supported and believed when you had a strong urge to push, and the midwife kept trying to cover you. So many women strip off in labour, its hard work! (Former midwife here).

As others have said, you have every right to feel how you feel about an experience - regardless of whether they'd feel the same way. Have you had chance to talk through your birth with any one, a debrief with a senior midwife for example? It could also be an opportunity for you to share your experience and feelings with them? (If you wanted to of course)

lilyblue5 · 19/12/2018 10:30

OP I am with you here.
You weren’t listened to when you said you needed to push. Your baby was crowing and this broke your trust with the midwife.
Being told to cover up in labour is the daftest thing I have ever heard. I remebr the midwife helping me take my clothes off!
Dr came to stitch me up, totally naked bfing new baby, I did not care one bit, seemingly neither did she, she must’ve seen 1000x naked women!
Giving birth, however is a massively traumatic experience and a 4th deg tear is awful. (I only had second) even with a straightforward labour you are still entitled to feel traumatised. Yes people have always had a worse time, but that’s their experience, not yours.
For what it’s worth I still feel aggravated about my experiace on the labour ward with my first and that was nearly 5 years ago.
I think you will get mixed responses on here but don’t let that doesn’t belittle your feelings and experience x x x

Original poster

keepingmypeaches · 19/12/2018 10:32

So I imagine they were considering your right to privacy, and trying tocover you up when lots of people were around.

When you were breadtfeeding topless, sounds like they were being respectful, and not just barging in while you were in a vulnerable position?

Lots of people were not there. Where did I say that? It was just my DH, Mum and the midwife when she wasn't sodding off elsewhere

Again with the breastfeeding, I made it clear she could come in, and also repeated that I was comfortable and happy to talk to her the way I was.

OP posts:

Thatwasfast · 19/12/2018 10:33

The’if you were unhappy about it it’s compeltley unacceptable’ brigade really pisses me off.

If I was traumatised by a midwife patting my arm after birth and saying well done, or making me tea and toast after birth when I didn’t want any and am allergic to bread etc should I complain to PALS because I didn’t get the experience I wanted?

RayRayBidet · 19/12/2018 10:33

I can see why it upset you. YANBU.
However, I wonder if it is because others have complained about doctors barging in on them when they weren't comfortable with it? Also, many women do want to be covered up to an extent in labour and if they were exposed and hadn't realised may have got upset about it.
I'm not trying to minimise I'm just wondering if your treatment is the result of previous complaints from the opposite pov rather than HCP criticising you because of a perceived lack of modesty.
I gave birth in pools, stark naked twice and honestly never thought about needing to cover up and no one said anything.
If it is bothering you then you should do something about it, whether you contact the hospital or write your feelings down, talk to a counsellor. Whatever will make you feel better.

TeaPot496 · 19/12/2018 10:35

Don't be so rude and ridiculous Thatwasfast

Thatwasfast · 19/12/2018 10:35

Midwifes see naked women literally every day. Seeing you naked will not have bothered them one bit. It sounds like they were trying to be considerate, but you didn’t want that particular consideration.

I’m not sure what you think the problem is? That they were revolted by your female body? That they were trying to shame you for giving birth?

How are things generally? Do you think you could have PND?

TulipsTwoLips · 19/12/2018 10:36

I don't even have kids and I can see why this would have bothered you!

Thatwasfast · 19/12/2018 10:36

Teapot - my point is the hops were trying to be considerate, but it wasn’t what the op wanted. Why on earth are people recommending complaining about that?!

fullforce · 19/12/2018 10:37

YANBU how awful! It takes a special kind of dickhead to ruin such a special moment of a mother’s life. I would definitely complain OP hope it works out okay I had a male surgeon making jokes about my vagina and gave me ‘the husband stitch’. There should be more regulations on what happens/is said in the birthing room

TeaPot496 · 19/12/2018 10:37

OP says she was TOLD to cover up. TOLD to. When she was in a private space where nakedness is entirely normal. This isn't acceptable.

Seaweed42 · 19/12/2018 10:37

It's likely to be part of the hospital protocol to try to maintain dignity for the patient.
The other side of it would be patients or relatives complaining to the NHS because 'he walked in while I was naked' or 'the male care attendant came in and saw my wife naked'.
Many people would have a fear of their nakedness because it increases their vulnerability in hospital. Especially in public wards.
Maybe there is a part of the Hospital chart where it can be marked 'Patient requests to be naked'.

Original poster

keepingmypeaches · 19/12/2018 10:38

I’m not sure what you think the problem is? That they were revolted by your female body? That they were trying to shame you for giving birth?

How are things generally? Do you think you could have PND

I don't know what was behind their actions - but again, I made it clear and repeated that I was happy at the time. Why go against that/ignore me?

Things are fine generally. I don't have PND and had an absolutely fantastic time with newborn DS and he is currently the loveliest little boy who is still breastfeeding 13 months later

OP posts:

TeaPot496 · 19/12/2018 10:38

If they were trying to be considerate they would have listened to her

53rdWay · 19/12/2018 10:38

I’m not sure what you think the problem is?

Surely that the midwife was faffing around trying to persuade her to ‘cover up a little bit’ when she was in advanced labour and had repeatedly said she wanted to be left as she was?

It’s not as bad as negligent care leading to death or lifelong injury or anything, but it would still bother a lot of people, surely she’s allowed to be annoyed about it.

TitusAndromedom · 19/12/2018 10:39

But Thatwasfast, in the labour scenario the OP made it clear that she was comfortable being naked. In fact, it was an important part of her being comfortable, because she was hot. To assume that nudity equals a lack of dignity in that scenario is inappropriate because it implies that labour is a passive experience, as a surgery might be. Labour doesn’t happen to women; they are active in the experience and have the right to express their preferences and desires. The midwife should have been respectful of the OP’s preferences, as they weren’t causing a medical concern. It doesn’t really matter if the midwife would have preferred the OP to cover up because it wasn’t about her.

Bear2014 · 19/12/2018 10:40

It's not the hugest deal but I can see why you're not happy about it. I was never in labour as I had an ELCS both times, but with my first I was on a busy postnatal ward with 4 beds to a room and countless visitors coming and going (not mine). The staff kept barging in and out of my bay, trying to insist that I kept the curtains open, but I was desperately trying to do as much skin to skin as possible as DD was refusing to latch on and I was still quite out of it and hot so couldn't be bothered to cover up but felt like I had to keep covering myself. It was horrible and I couldn't wait to get home. One midwife told me off for under-dressing my DD even though it was easily 30 degrees in there. Incidentally, breastfeeding was an absolute disaster and I'm sure that didn't help.

Original poster

keepingmypeaches · 19/12/2018 10:40

full Sorry to hear that

I had a male student see me being stitched up. He seemed quite nervous but lovely - He then came out with "Oh my, it's very neat. Don't worry, not bad at all"

He then realised what he'd said and went bright red

OP posts:

Write · 19/12/2018 10:41

OP of you had posted as the midwife or the SIL of someone and you asked them to cover up you would have gotten totally differ the replies, especially on here.

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