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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:20

Should add i think its perfectly reasonablento do one day with my parents and one day with his and take it year about...

OP posts:
Jimdandy · 16/12/2018 20:20

Yabu whilst she is a baby.

It’s better he’s there when she starts understanding/knowing what Christmas is about in a couple of years

bridgetreilly · 16/12/2018 20:21

Your daughter is 8 weeks old. It won't matter to her AT ALL who she sees on that day.

However, it is completely unreasonable for his mother to expect your husband to spend all three days with her and none with you or your family. I don't really know what you mean by 'lift her', though.

Waddsup12 · 16/12/2018 20:23

Stay home, it's your first family Christmas.

See in-laws Boxing Day and your parents Christmas Eve.

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 20:23

He and you are family now. Are his mum and your mum near to you? If so couldn't you do Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with his mum, and Christmas Day with yours?

curiositycreature · 16/12/2018 20:23

I think if you’re at the point where you have a baby then you are fully fledged adults and your/his parents shouldn’t be calling the shots! I’m confused why seeing his parents would be a priority over his brand new baby? Whether she knows what’s going on or not, you both will. I feel sad for you that you won’t be spending your first Christmas as a new family together. Fingers crossed you can find a solution

SilverDoe · 16/12/2018 20:23

I never understand family dynamics like his. No one should be “demanding” or insisting anything of anyone - him being willing to let her insist he not be with his new baby, and his partner who only gave birth 8 weeks ago, is so bizarre!

Can’t he be a normal functional person and give her a quick call to say “Hi mum, just so you know I’d still love to come round Xmas eve and Boxing Day but I don’t want to be separate from DD and DP over her first Xmas so we’ll be going round to PIL to make it fair.”

Can’t believe it’s a big deal for her! It’s so clear that YANBU to want to all be together.

Some people must think I’m an absolute witch for refusing to visit close relatives on Xmas day, but that day is ours alone.

3boysandabump · 16/12/2018 20:23

I would want my dh to spend Xmas with his dc. I would agree to do Xmas day with the mil (only Xmas day though not all 3 days) and save next xmas with your family when baby will be more aware

HollowTalk · 16/12/2018 20:23

And he needs to stop his mum from insisting on things - he has to put you and the baby first now.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:24

@bridgetreilly i mean he will drive 20 mile to pick her up at my parents house and back to his parents house

OP posts:
lastqueenofscotland · 16/12/2018 20:24

I would say he’s unreasonable, and I think this could set a precedent if you aren’t careful

Beatitudes · 16/12/2018 20:24

Just stay in your own house and visit the grandparents.

footballmum · 16/12/2018 20:25

My bigger concern would be that you’re setting a precedent for future years!!

Bunbunbunny · 16/12/2018 20:25

Er no yanbu, his family is you & your dd. I’d be really pissed off if my DH did that, he should be with you both and more importantly want to be with you both instead of his DM. Not just about your dd remembering but you both remembering

Escolar · 16/12/2018 20:26

He and his mother are being unreasonable. Your DD won't understand / remember, but you will, and he will!

DyingMachine · 16/12/2018 20:26

It's completely irrelevant that your daughter won't remember. He should want to spend it with you both! I'd be extremely pissed off in your shoes.

MummatoaMunchkin · 16/12/2018 20:27

You are not bu at all!!
My dh has to work last year for our sons first Christmas it was awful we hated it (though course son doesnt remember) bur he wanted to be with us and i felt wrong him not being there

Your dp should be with you both! Its not about his mother! Yes bubba wont remember but thats not the point your a family and if you let mil get her way now she will always expect it and it will be harder to change down the line (i know from experience with my own mother)

Could you have christmas eve and half christmas day at your parents and then the other half of christmas day and boxing day at his parents?

Its a compromise everyone gets to see everyone and your together?

poppyseed2 · 16/12/2018 20:27

It won't make any difference to your daughter, but I think it sets a dangerous precedent. He should want to spend Christmas with his new baby!

Hohocabbage · 16/12/2018 20:27

Do you and dd's dad not normally live together? Because generally people who live together spend xmas day together. It's not the law but it's the norm.

greendale17 · 16/12/2018 20:28

I never understand family dynamics like his. No one should be “demanding” or insisting anything of anyone - him being willing to let her insist he not be with his new baby, and his partner who only gave birth 8 weeks ago, is so bizarre!

^I agree. Also I hate this “the child won’t remember” excuse.

Bacardibabe · 16/12/2018 20:28

Exactly as last queen said He has to grow a pair and tell them no. You'll have problems with loads of other things in the future too otherwise.

Bringbackthestripes · 16/12/2018 20:29

Is his DM always so controlling? Why is she insisting? Very odd he would rather miss DD first ever Christmas and go off to his mummy for 3 days (effectively leaving you doing all the baby care.) my DH wouldn’t have miss DC first Christmas, even being only 6 weeks old, for anything.

One day at your parents and the next day at his and alternating each year would be more normal.

BrieAndChilli · 16/12/2018 20:29

If parents are only 20 miles away why aren’t you both staying at home and then you can both go to your parents for lunch and then his mums for tea?? Or his on Boxing Day.

I think it’s really weird to be honest that he doesn’t want to spend xmas with you and his DD. I k wondhe wont remember it but surely he would want to be there to spend time with her and also to help you???

EmUntitled · 16/12/2018 20:30

Your two families only live 20 minutes apart? In that case there is no need for him to stay at his parents for the 3 full days. All 3 of you could go there xmas eve / first half of xmas day and then come to your parents for second half and boxing day. Or the other way round.

Baby won't know whats going on but surely your partner wants to see YOU at Christmas? Also this is a good time to set a precedent with bossy MIL as next year and in the future your DP will want to spend Christmas with his child (presumably)

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 16/12/2018 20:30

Are you invited to his mother's on Boxing day with your 8 week old baby or are your MIL and DP going to pretend you don't exist then too

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