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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Hohocabbage · 20/12/2018 16:33

One hour on Boxing Day is pretty shite though.

Plopchops · 20/12/2018 17:04

Took my DP a little time to grow some balls and actually stick up for his family. I simply wouldn't abide by MIL rules so am not invited to many special occasions...however she loses out because DH won't separate me and DD at Christmas.

After 2 years she has realised that she has no control over him anymore so I was actually included in the invite for a Christmas meal. I am going but mainly so that DD and DH get to see her. She is not an ogre, just very disillusioned about the expectations she has of her adult son.

YearOfYouRemember · 20/12/2018 17:06

Of course the baby won't remember but she'll also never have the enjoyment of seeing photos of her first Christmas with mummy and daddy…

everythingisginandroses · 20/12/2018 17:19

Where I come from, being 'lifted' means being arrested Xmas Grin Glad you have got it sorted, have a happy Christmas!

OneTiredMomma · 20/12/2018 17:26

YANBU

Firstly, no one should be demanding you go ANYWHERE. Would make much more sense for you to share your time up, or alternatively, stay at home.

If my hubby had said our DC first xmas wasn't important as she wouldn't remember it, and was happy to spend it away from her in favour of being with mummy dearest, I think I'd have ripped him a new arsehole pmsl

Rafflesway · 20/12/2018 17:45

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 BlondeAmbition44!

Absolutely thrilled to hear you have stood your ground and that your DP is now spending time with you both on Christmas Day.

Have a fantastic first Christmas with your wonderful DD.Xmas Smile

MrsFassy · 20/12/2018 17:49

@Hohocabbage have you read the OP's posts? All of them, but especially the one which stated she- OP- hadn't been invited at all to MiL's on Boxing Day because there were 'too many there'. Yet she was expected to send her tiny baby off there and enjoy her 'day off'.

Why should the OP go somewhere she's clearly not welcome? I think after everything the MiL is lucky she's getting an hour.

Well done @BlondeAmbition44 for standing your ground and setting your boundaries.

Hannahmates · 20/12/2018 18:25

He's right. She won't remember the first Christmas. When your DD grows up and gets married will you be OK with not spending time with her on Christmas?

BlueJava · 20/12/2018 18:37

To me this seems strange - why wouldn't you have your first Christmas with baby at home and together as a family. Perhaps your family on Christmas Eve and his on Boxing Day. Mine are 17, we still stay at home and all together.

hamzilla · 20/12/2018 18:59

Thing is BlueJava, I think that's exactly what OP's MiL thinks too!

holidaylady · 20/12/2018 19:23

Op- well seen on ya!
Goanyagirlye

Excellent plan X

JillScarlet · 20/12/2018 22:46

Well, he still considers it more important to have dinner with his mother, who has not and will not invite the OP, than to have Christmas dinner with the mother of his child and his child either at home or at the OP’s Mum’s home or insist on his partner and family be invited to his family.

I can understand why a couple with a small baby would not stay home alone on Christmas Day, but surely you visit both families together?

Expect trouble ahead OP, from your MIL and his lack of commitment to his new nuclear family.

LittleBearPad · 20/12/2018 22:57

I’m amazed he’s 29. I thought he’d be 17!

GabriellaMontez · 21/12/2018 10:38

Hopefully nipping this is the bud will stand you in good stead in the future. Well done.

Sittinonthefloor · 21/12/2018 10:49

Well done for standing your ground - but what kind of dad leaves his dc and dp to go and have Christmas lunch with his mum? Isn't he embarrassed?

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 21/12/2018 11:10

@Sittinonthefloor im not sure he is to be honest, but I'm embarrassed having to explain it to my family...

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 21/12/2018 11:17

Has he actually said that you’re not invited for dinner? Has he explained why?

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 21/12/2018 11:45

Dp's mum has said she has too many on boxing day apparently not sure 1 adult makes a huge difference but maybe it does? But as another poster on here quite rightly said, if theres no room for 1nadult theres hardly room for dd and all the stuff she needs

OP posts:
LittleOwl · 21/12/2018 11:50

@blonde - i am so happy you managed to resolve this

Enjoy your Christmas and keep looking after yourselves SmileSmileFlowersFlowersStarStar

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 21/12/2018 11:57

Have you thought about what you are going to say to all of these guests that will be there?
"We are leaving now because MIL didn't invite me for lunch"
"MIL says there's no space for me to stay so we're going now"

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 21/12/2018 12:30

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit not sure if i would be brave enough to be that blunt lol

but might just say its been a mad couple of days for dd so just think its best to get her home and back to routine which wouldnt be a complete lie Xmas Blush

OP posts:
CurbsideProphet · 21/12/2018 12:50

Crikey I'm not surprised you're embarrassed trying to explain this to your family. Presumably there could be space for you, but MIL wants to play the ultimate grandma in front of her family without you there to spoil it? That really is embarrassing!

I would probably say "well you'll be eating soon, so baby and I will be off home now".

chaosmaker · 21/12/2018 13:03

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit Blonde just needs to say 'bye, we're going not' She doesn't need to justify anything to anyone :D

Sindragosan · 21/12/2018 13:24

If it's northern Ireland 'too many people' is definitely code for 'no space for the likes of you' Height of bad manners to deliberately exclude someone's partner, she must really hate you so don't worry about being rude about her to others, but I'd be vague and say she'd already invited so many people and she can visit you and dd at any point. People will draw their own conclusions from you leaving to be honest.

I'm pretty sure some of my husband's relatives don't like me, but it means neither of us get invited to various events, no-one would dream of just inviting him.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 22/12/2018 06:12

With being excluded, I would just go straight home, your MIL has behaved appallingly and basically declared that she cannot stand you and doesn’t want you in her house.

I would simply say ‘I am not going where I am not welcome, I have no idea why your DM cannot bear to have me in her home, however now she has made that clear, I will not be spending any time in her company.’

I have sat in the home of a mil who detested me, whilst she fawned over my baby and it was not an experience I would willingly repeat. My entire body fought the urge to grab my baby out of her arms and get the hell out of there! Mercifully, we have been no contact for 7 years!

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