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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Purplehairdontcare · 16/12/2018 21:41

This is literally the most crazy and ridiculous Christmas arrangement I have ever heard of.

I don't even know where to begin with it.

Divorce proceeding might be a good start.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 16/12/2018 21:47

Fuck that for a game of soldiers

One day at home

One day at your folks

One day at his folks

His DM is going to compromise on all 3 days. Your DPs may have to compromise on having everyone all together. Your DP is going to have to stand up for the well being and happiness of his life partner and new baby. And you are going to have to stick up for yourself.

OrigamiZoo · 16/12/2018 21:51

Your DP has his own family now and should prioritise his own family and not be dancing to his mother's tune and allowing you to be shunned.

Nip this in the bud now or it'll set the scene for every Christmas , Easter etc. Aside from this, there is no way anybody is taking my 8 week old baby away from me.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 16/12/2018 21:55

Nwvr mind your daughter doesn't he want to be with you as well and spend family time together when he can? They change so much at this age it's strange he would rather be with his parents than his own family

Esspee · 16/12/2018 21:57

I do so hope you are not going to tolerate this OP. If you do, one day you will look back and realise this was the start of the rot in your marriage.
Christmas Day should be in your own home with your child.
The grandparents can have the day before and the day after and under no circumstances should you be kept apart from your child. That is abuse.

EvaHarknessRose · 16/12/2018 21:58

Separations from mum/primary carer are best avoided at that age. It would be very weird.

nothinglikeadame · 16/12/2018 21:59

As s new dad, If my mum had said to me you are spending the main three days of christmas at her house , with or without my new DC and partner , I would have laughed in her face.

Your DP should not hsbe even entertained this idea, and your 'MIL' is a cheeky selfish fucker for suggesting it.

Stamp this behaviour out now, or you will regret it.

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 22:00

No 8 week old baby will be happy and content without their mum for a whole day. Doesn’t matter how good a dad he is.

I can’t fathom why your DH would want to spend 3 days away from you either.

You need to say absolutely no way this is not happening.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 16/12/2018 22:00

Sorry the lift thing has confused me.

I think your going to be your parents Xmas eve.. With baby. He will be at his mums and on Xmas day will take the baby without you to his mums?

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 22:01

Yep that’s the plan, he will leave OP at her mums and take the baby for the day.

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 22:02

His first allegiance now is to his family - you and the baby. And his mum is going to have to suck it up. There is no way I’d have enjoyed a day away from my dd at that age.

Are you breastfeeding?

GreenTulips · 16/12/2018 22:04

She says jump and dp rolls his eyes and says no but eventually he gives in and asks how high. Its getting beyond a joke and if i say anything all i get is s a sigh and "awk but you know what shes like"

Well he needs to know what you're like!!

You have to make it less about her and all about you!

I'd like to spend Christmas Day as a family - home MIL or DM -

I'd like you to see DD Christmas Day - I know she won't know but I will and it's important to me and our unit

ofcoarse we can spend time with both famillies, but we need to be together and be united

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 16/12/2018 22:06

Ok read the thread.

Op this is appalling. Your Mil is abusive.

It's disgusting she has not invited you, it's disrespectful to her son, to her grandchild and to you it's Vile behaviour and I strongly feel you need to say no.

He can do what he likes at Xmas but your baby will not be part of it.

Maelstrop · 16/12/2018 22:11

So did she have her baby at 8 weeks taken off her for the day? I bet she bloody didn't! Either you get to go to his parents on Boxing day or the baby doesn't go anywhere. Your DP is being unreasonable and ridiculous. As other pp said, a dangerous precedent to start. You and the baby are his family,he should be staying with you.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 16/12/2018 22:11

Nope. He has a family now and that’s where he should be on Christmas Day and most other days. Also there is no way my DD, at any age, would be visiting a house where I was not invited or not made to feel welcome. Start as you mean to go on, don’t allow things now that you wouldn’t in years to come.

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 22:17

Also OP just to say, my mum married my stepdad when I was 3. I knew from quite an early age that his mum didn’t like us. She was fawning in her affections to my stepdad (dad) and his son from his first marriage. She treated me and my mum like shit on her shoe.
My dad told her to either accept us or lose him. She said we weren’t blood so she didn’t love me. I didn’t understand why my nanny was mean to me and my mum. My dad walked away. He never spoke to them again. We were his family and that’s what mattered. Different circumstances but he put us first. Your DH needs to put his family first too, otherwise you will be left at home alone for many more special occasions. And when your dd is old enough she will wonder why.

Figgygal · 16/12/2018 22:21

Oh my god he needs to grow a pair

Why aren't you interested in Christmas together? I wouldn't have missed my ds first xmas for love nor money who cares that he wouldn't remember it

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 22:21

It’s totally unreasonable that his mum is making such ridiculous demands but as always-you have a DP problem, not a MIL one!

Why don’t you go with them and spend Boxing Day at his mum’s?

Purpleartichoke · 16/12/2018 22:24

Your core unit should not split up at Christmas. You travel together and alternate holidays together. You make your own traditions and stay in your own home sometimes too. Otherwise, why are you together.

AuntMarch · 16/12/2018 22:31

My DP lives 20 miles away. If we both have busy weekends and I don't go and stay, one of us often drives to the other for lunch on a Sunday and then home again. Why can't he come over for a while Christmas day?

In fact, why can't he tell his mum he won't be there for three days as his family is bigger now and he would like to see everybody.

AuntMarch · 16/12/2018 22:33

Woah, for some reason didn't notice it went before first page. It gets less and less ok!

holidaylady · 16/12/2018 22:34

Oh crikey. I think your DH has somehow lost a very important point. He is a father. He now has his own family. And you and he decides what's best for your little family.

Grandparents do not get to dictate who goes where. They've had their years as parents and now you are the parents.

And there is no way an 8 week old baby should be away from its mummy at all.

It's time to put your foot down and have a chat with your DH as to how it's going to be from now on at Christmas.

Purpleartichoke · 16/12/2018 22:35

The only way my 8 week old would be separated from me over Christmas is with a court order in place.

diddl · 16/12/2018 22:36

"will drive 20 mile to pick her up at my parents house and back to his parents house"

And leave you without your tiny baby?

Wtaf?

She's not a toy to be shared around.

As after, the fault isn't with your MIL-she can ask for/insist on what she wants.

It's up to him to tell her not to be so bloody ridiculous.

MsTSwift · 16/12/2018 22:42

This is not normal. It’s the arrangement of a really acrimonious separated couple and even then it’s unreasonable. I would be interested to know if mil did similar when she was a first time mother? Was dh packed off to her mil when he was 8 weeks old. I would bet not.

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