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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 16/12/2018 20:31

If I had a partner who was so weak that he wouldn’t stand up to his mother insisting he spent Christmas with her rather than his own partner and new baby I think I would just suggest he went home to live with mummy full time. He is clearly not a functioning adult. Why are you not furious with him for being so passive? Hmm

Redglitter · 16/12/2018 20:32

I cant believe hes suggesting this. You he & the baby are a family now. You should be spending it together. You're also running a risk of setting a precedent. I cant understand why you're both running back to your respective separate families instead of being together

You & he should be deciding how to spend the day not being dictated to by parents

GreenTulips · 16/12/2018 20:34

However, it is completely unreasonable for his mother to expect your husband to spend all three days with her and none with you or your family

As a grown man with his win child - I think he could say no and suggest an alternative

This plan is rubbish and you need to sort it out fairly so everyone is happy

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:37

@WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit, no not invited on boxing day... keep being told i have the day off and to enjoy it... being away from dd for an hour gives me severe anxiety dont event want to think about a whole day

@Ragwort i am beyond annoyed about it but im being made to feel like im making a mountain from a molehill so to speak

OP posts:
Helpisneeded13 · 16/12/2018 20:39

How silly, she won't know? Really. What about pictures when she gets older. What about spending time with the family you two created being more important than acting like the child going to mums.
There's no point next year either because you won't understand either.
Is that he what you sign up for when starting a family.

I would be fuming, and he knows you will be. Basically if you want to spend it all together you have to join him.

greenlynx · 16/12/2018 20:39

I agree with PPs. Why he doesn’t want to spend Xmas with you and DD, his family?

squashymummy · 16/12/2018 20:40

Your baby is 8 weeks old and he wants to take her away from you for a day? The answer is no! How on earth are you not invited?!

Parker231 · 16/12/2018 20:42

Why have you’ve agreed to an arrangement you aren’t happy with? You don’t need to go and when your parents or DP’s parents say. WHy not have Christmas at your home for you, your DP and DD?

Redken24 · 16/12/2018 20:42

Fuck that stay with your baby - I barely managed a hair appointment at that age 😂

Waddsup12 · 16/12/2018 20:43

No, no, no...

Baby is too young, even I know that and I'm middle-aged with no kids.

You have a DP problem.

Drum2018 · 16/12/2018 20:43

You should start your own family Christmas with the 3 of you in your own house. Any fella running home to mammy for Christmas when she clicks her fingers would be a turn off for me.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 16/12/2018 20:44

Frankly, if he goes to his mother's for Christmas Day, he can bloody well stay there. And as for separating you and the baby at that age? She's an arsehole for suggesting it.

Bringbackthestripes · 16/12/2018 20:44

no not invited on boxing day.
Shock I would tell him to take all his stuff back to his DM now. I can not believe they are actually suggesting he just picks DD up and takes her there without you. What do they have against the 3 of you being together, you know, as a FAMILY? Very odd.

lily2403 · 16/12/2018 20:44

Do you two not get on?

I do not understand this family dynamic, my parents and my DH parents would never split us up over Christmas...doesn’t matter how old your baby is

NewPapaGuinea · 16/12/2018 20:44

What grown man gets bossed about by his mother!?

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/12/2018 20:46

i am beyond annoyed about it but im being made to feel like im making a mountain from a molehill so to speak

This is called gaslighting and it's an abusive, coercive tool only ever used by arseholes to make you feel like shit for not doing what they want. Once you recognise it for what it is, you'll start to spot it everywhere and you'll start to feel more confident calling people out for it. If anyone dared to suggest I spend Christmas away from my DC I'd tell them to piss right off.

This is your child, your first christmas with her and it will be done your way. Your DP needs to grow a backbone and sort out his priorities and you need to stand firm on this and tell them you're doing Christmas the way you feel is right and they have two choices; to join in with your decision or spend Christmas elsewhere. Don't negotiate, don't ask, don't please anyone but yourself and your child.

MummatoaMunchkin · 16/12/2018 20:46

@BlondeAmbition44 you werent invited for boxing day? What bollocks is that!!

A day off is a great idea when your ready for it and its not forced on you!! Otherwise you dont enjoy it cause your not in the right mindset.

My dad is having my son overnight christmas day because hubby and i are working boxing day and its easier that way.

I love my baby free time now (hes 18months) and i have christmas eve eve, christmas eve and all of christmas day with him, plus thurs fri after. Still making me sad im not with him christmas night!

Sammysees · 16/12/2018 20:46

Absolutely not! How dare they arrange to take your baby for the whole day! No no and more no!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 16/12/2018 20:46

Your child won't remember, but you will. Does he always jump when mummy calls? If so you've got problems ahead. For years.

Waddsup12 · 16/12/2018 20:46

How old are you both?

Find yourself some RL grown-ups to support you. This is beyond ridiculous.

lily2403 · 16/12/2018 20:46

Hell would freeze over before he took baby away from me, does the mil not like you?

I would stay in my own home and have Christmas there

Crunchymum · 16/12/2018 20:47

I can't imagine my in-laws wanting a family to be apart on Xmas day..... It's odd that your in-laws essentially making this happen but it's very concerning that your DP is going along with it.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 16/12/2018 20:48

Tell him that you come to his dms with dd or she doesnt go either. Shes too wee to be without you all day especially if your bf'ing

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 20:48

no not invited on boxing day

What. The. Fuck.

Is this kind of shit normal for your relationship?

Like, for example, being told you're overreacting for being annoyed at something most normal people would also be annoyed at?!

You're not invited. He's spending Christmas Day apart from you and then collecting the baby and leaving you behind. WHY?

That's so fucked up.

Unless you skipped the part where MIL has a restraining order against you for doing something terrible, I am baffled as to why you even need to ask us if this is ok. It's totally abnormal. Him being apart from the baby for Xmas day is off, but all this other shit about you not being invited and the baby being taken without you is fucked up.

AnoukSpirit · 16/12/2018 20:50

This is called gaslighting and it's an abusive, coercive tool only ever used by arseholes to make you feel like shit for not doing what they want.

Yup.

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