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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
brownmoose · 16/12/2018 20:51

Forget the baby issue, why are you and your partner not wanting to spend the Xmas period together?
Shouldn't it be a 'all of us or none of us' mentality now, especially as you've made it crystal clear you are your own family now you've had a baby.

Allfednonedead · 16/12/2018 20:52

My mouth just dropped open at ‘being told to enjoy my day off’! Tell them both to fuck off out of your lives! Seriously, what kind of a father is he, and what kind of a partner? Does he not like you? Because that’s how it reads. And it doesn’t sound like he cares much about his DD either.
I’ve dealt with a nightmare MIL, but nothing as bad as that, because at least my DP was on my side.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 16/12/2018 20:53

Sorry, I think I am missing something...

What time are you and "DP" spending together?

Something feels quite "off" about this...

Troels · 16/12/2018 20:53

I say fuck that for a game of soldiers. Baby is 8 weeks, you all stay at home, and all go to Christmas day and boxing day at relatives houses TOGETHER.
Trying to cut you out for the day under the disguise of you need a day off is bullshit. Not having the baby near all day will cause you major stress and you don't have to go along with any of it. I'd rip someones arm off before I was seperated from my 8 week old for anything longer than taking a shower.

Namenic · 16/12/2018 20:55

The Boxing Day thing is really weird. Plus at 8 weeks old, unless there is a medical/emergency reason, most mums would not want to be away from their baby (someone else carrying/helping look after is different from being in different places).

RemyRelax · 16/12/2018 20:56

Don’t let MIL push you out. She likely wants to play Mummy to your baby and obviously can’t do that if you’re there! You need to tell your partner to get a grip of himself and start putting you & DD first. And the in laws are a disgrace for trying to come between you and your little girl.

Original poster
BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:56

@lily2403 it would appear not :/ i have very little time for her, shes very demanding, and everything is her way or no way but i stay pleasent for dp, and at the end of the day she is dd's gm... i feel like the bloody penguin from madagasgar "smile and wave boys smile and wave".

She says jump and dp rolls his eyes and says no but eventually he gives in and asks how high. Its getting beyond a joke and if i say anything all i get is s a sigh and "awk but you know what shes like"

OP posts:
SilverLining10 · 16/12/2018 20:56

Fgs you are both adults with a baby. Why do you need to go jumping around to staying at your parents place?? Stay in your own home and pop by to see the gps on the day. I never understand this carting around of families to please grandparents.

ChloMaloe · 16/12/2018 20:57

There is no way on this earth my baby would be going somewhere I wasn't invited at 8 weeks old! Not a hope in hell!!!

Eliza9917 · 16/12/2018 20:57

I'd be telling him and his mother were Cray Cray.

Xmas Eve at your parents, Xmas day at home and boxing day at his mothers or nothing would be my compromise.

Cheby · 16/12/2018 20:58

I mean, all of this is batshit. But there’s NFW anyone would be taking my 8 week old baby away from me for a full day to somewhere I’m not invited.

OP, I think you need to swiftly reevaluate your relationship.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 16/12/2018 21:00

Sorry but I am as concerned as other posters. Nobody, NOBODY could get me to leave my babies at 8 weeks old, never mind take them away from me never mind at Christmas! Your husband is wrong on every level to take the baby if you are not 100% happy about it.

Why aren't you both spending Christmas at home? you are a brand new family and THAT should be your husbands priority, not his bloody mother

Ohyesiam · 16/12/2018 21:00

Don’t be parted from your baby if it gives you anxiety. Put your foot down. It is totally unacceptable for a mother of new baby to be separated from her if she is unwilling.

mindutopia · 16/12/2018 21:02

You should all be together as a family. No, she won’t remember it, but the two of you will and it seems to set a precedent that your time as a family unit isn’t a priority. At 8 weeks old, your partner should be there supporting you, Christmas Day or not. I can’t imagine either of us wanting to be anywhere but with each other or our dc on important days.

yellowsparkles · 16/12/2018 21:03

YANBU

I'm sorry but you have to make sure this is hit on the head quick. My marriage has now ended and there were many factors but one contributing one was because my xh consistently put his parents before myself and our two DSs. It was a case of jump and how high and on the rare occasion he did side with me she/ they would give him the silent treatment and he caved and left me and our children on numerous occasions and some of them special (including Christmas).

Stand your ground, you are worth it

Tartsamazeballs · 16/12/2018 21:03

Nah sorry, that's madness. I've got a 9 week old and I'm not comfortable leaving him for more than 2 hours, and even that would only be with my husband or my mum or sister, both of whom I'm close to.

Going and visiting everyone is fine but you need to be doing it all together.

As for pp who said "baby won't know", wtaf?! Your kids first Christmas? Are you the batshit MIL?

Creatureofthenight · 16/12/2018 21:04

OP when my DD was 8 weeks old there’s absolutely no chance in hell I would have let anyone, even her doting and capable father, take her away from me for a whole day. I don’t really get why you aren’t invited, that seems incredibly rude and your DP should tell his mother so.

MrsStrowman · 16/12/2018 21:08

My DS will be not quite five weeks old at Christmas and there is no way DH would want to be away from him. We'd planned to have a quiet year at home but we're now going to my DBs for Christmas Day with my parents SIL and nieces and PILs are coming to visit us boxing Day, as DS arrived a month early. DS dint have a clue what's going on but neither of us would want our first Christmas Day as parents to be away from him unless it was necessary (military deployment, hospital, work in an environment where Christmas work is expected) , certainly not to spend three days with our parents alone, without each other or DS. It seems odd, is your DP very young?

Deadbudgie · 16/12/2018 21:08

This needs nipping the bid now. Surely you all want to stay together at Christmas. Either alternate each Christmas/Boxing Day or stay home Christmas Day and see relatives around the day. As Dd gets older she will want to be home with her toys anyway. Use the arrival of DD to set out this arrangement

AWishForWingsThatWork · 16/12/2018 21:08

You need to stop this now, frankly.

Your DH married you. His first allegiance should be to you. It doesn't matter what his mother 'wants' for the holidays, especially since she's being unreasonable and unfair and rude to you.

Your DH should be spending Christmas with you. At your parents, as it's the only day your entire family is available to be seen over the holidays. Tell your MIL you and your DH and DD will be at her house on Christmas Eve OR Boxing Day, but not both.

Tell your DH to grow a spine and support you and your family. And that means being with you and making a sensible decision for all of you, not your MIL. And if you don't want to be away from your DD over the holidays, then say no to any such suggestion.

In future, I'd also think about spending Christmas in your own home and avoid all this bollocks btw.

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 21:10

I'm sorry to be guilting but may be this will put things in perspective. My dd spent her first Xmas at Great Ormond street following heart surgery. We couldn't stay with her as she was in intensive care. We had a room in a building near by and came first thing in the morning but clearly not the same.

She doesn't remember this and has had many happy Christmases since. Just make it clear she can't call the shots next year.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/12/2018 21:10

Right, so let me see if I have understood you correctly Blonde - your DP is going to drive you to your parents on Christmas Eve, leave you and your baby there, whilst he spends Christmas Day with his parents. On Boxing Day, he will drive to your parents to pick up the baby, and drive back to his mother's - leaving you at your parents', alone? Is that REALLY his plan?

Well.

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

His mother is a problem, but your real problem is your 'partner'. What a wanky little mummy's boy he is!

If he wants to go to his mother's, fine. But the baby stays with you. They want to see the baby, you come as a mother&baby package. It is not a "day off" - it's cruel and senseless and he needs to know IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. No ifs, no buts. I'm sure he'll whine that as the father he has rights, but he's not behaving as a father he's behaving as a son, and a particularly infantile son at that. He wants to be treated as this child's father he needs to start behaving as her father and tell his bloody mother that he is NOT going to take an 8-weeks old baby from her mother!!

And personally Id be disinclined to have him back. He goes to his mother's, he stays at his mother's. He's a partner and a father now, and it's well past time to cut the apron strings. He needs to grow the fuck up, and fast.

MumW · 16/12/2018 21:11

My gut is saying FFS run for the hills but I'm not sure that is really helpful.

DP doesn't see you as a family unit. He appears to view the situation as his family is with MIL and yours is with your DM with DD being an asset to be shared between you. What kind of life or attitude is that. I'm afraid it doesn't bode well for the future.

You really need to put you foot down firmly and insist that you start acting like a family and don't bend to MIL's will. DP needs an ultimatum it's either you and the baby or he goes back to mummy and doesn't come back.

AND ABSOLUTELY NO TO HIM TAKING DD away from you. Just because he is happy to be separated from her doesn't mean you have to follow suit. NO NO NO.

pallisers · 16/12/2018 21:11

No way would my infant baby be going to a house on boxing day where I am not welcome.

No way would I be happy with my "partner" wanting to spend the entire christmas time separate from me and his baby.

this won't end well unless your partner realises you, him and the baby are now his primary family. Not him and his mum.

JuliaSevern · 16/12/2018 21:11

Your Christmas resembles the Christmas of a couple who are separated. I knew someone who did Christmas like that with her dp and it wasn't long before they actually did separate