To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

They don't respect your wishes because they don't respect your decision. They are making passive aggressive digs at you to put you in your place for having uppity feminist ideas. Probably best to rise above it, every reaction will feed them.

They’re knobs. Not much you can do about it.

Yanbu.

I think almost every card we've received has been addressed to Mr and Mrs DH surname, even from family members who know better. It's a bit rude really.

Ignore. It’s not worth getting down about. My MIL and SIL persist in calling me Mrs DHName. I’m not even a Mrs! (my ID documents say Dr Milky). I just let them get on with it, it barely impacts my life.

I'd cut anyone out who persistently did this as they clearly don't respect you at all

My inlaws did this. I let it slide because they were old but if it were my sister, I’d be sitting her down, explaining clearly, and asking her to confirm that she understands and that she will use my name moving forward. To be honest I should have done that with the in-laws. It’s not something you need to just let slide, and this stranger at least is proud of you for not going along with the sexist status quo (cue hordes of Mrs. His-Last-names defending their “choice”- save it, I don’t care what you do, but it’s still anti-feminist and deep down you know it).

Red pen, mark the cards, send them back with “F-, could try harder to remember basic facts.”

They’re being arseholes, and not even age is an excuse.

I recently received a birthday card from my brother addressed to Nigel ex-husbands sur name. I never changed my name when we got married and we are now split up. Things like that don't usually bother me but you'd think your own family would try and be less insensitive.

. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
This wouldn't actually bother me at all! What I don't like is cards addressed to ME. Firstname Dh'slastname. That has never been my name.

Say your sister's name is Beth, start calling her Sharon. Same for mum and aunt.

YANBU but any reaction will feed them, as a PP said. Ignore it.

Thank you everyone who has responded, I genuinely feel a lot better, Mumsnetters are the best

From an etiquette point of view how would you address an envelope to a couple who have separate surnames?

I usually use their first names in that instance! John, Jane and kids, Anne and Steve etc

Op yanbu

Lonicera did you really just ask that? Are you being deliberately dense?

I think my 3 year old could work put that you would write to 'Mr H Hisname and Ms A Hername'.

your sister is hopping the ball and trying to control you (is she older?). She certainly isn't a feminist. I'd just ignore her and if she raises it (and she might after she loses her fun of having you annoyed at her) just say "Oh I've stopped caring what you call me - why would I? Sure you've been getting it wrong for years?"

Alternatives could be 'John Smith and Anne Jones'. Or just Joshua he and Anne, or to the Smith Jones household.

The choice is yours really. There there umpteen options besides automatically erasing the woman's name.

From an etiquette point of view how would you address an envelope to a couple who have separate surnames?

Mary Smith and Tom Jones.

simple.

My sister kept her own name when she married but my dad always referred to her as Mrs Husband's Name and she let it go because he was old and traditional. Big mistake! When dad died his will was made out to Mrs. .... and she had no ID in this name. It caused quite a few problems.

I've been married 21 years, have never been Mrs or dhlastname (ds is myname-hisname). 1 card has been correctly addressed this year - and I would accept 'The myname-hisname family', 'CMOT and bloke' or even 'everyone at #' as well as the correct 'Ms Myname and Mr Hisname'

I'm expecting similar annoyances next Christmas because I'm getting married in February and not changing my name

Op yanbu

I'm the youngest- she's 6 years older. I'm not sure if she's doing it to prove a point or if she really keeps forgetting- that's almost worse in a way

(That was supposed to be in reply to pallisers question btw)

She's not forgetting. None of them are forgetting. Call everyone who does it by the wrong name until they 'remember'. I called my MIL by her maiden name for two straight Christmas cards before she packed it in.

My stepmum was raging when she learnt I had no plans on changing my surname.

Like really really angry. My Dad had passed away the year I married and I think she felt I was making a point by keeping "his" name and having a power struggle with her so that she could be the only mydadssurname. She'd deliberately sent cards to mrs dhs full name.

Nope it's my name. My Dad didn't own it and she doesn't have royalties on it so she can fuck right off. I'll keep MY name if I want to, if dh wants matching surnames he can take mine and go through the fanny on changing it with every fucking company. Can't be arsed.

Yanbu. I didn't change my name, DD is myname-hisname. It annoys the hell out of me that people can't respect my decision the way I respect theirs and also refer to DD as just hisname, that's not her bloody name ffs and no we can't cash cheques you give her using just that name because that isn't her name and the bank won't accept it (conversation we've had numerous times before with various family members who get upset that we haven't cashed the cheques for DD).