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Original poster

To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

288 replies

DeeOK · 16/12/2018 19:57

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

OP posts:
SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:46

@reallyanotherone sorry but I feel that (and other similar responses to me on here) is absurd. To compare to human rights like voting, to how an envelope is addressed. Seriously, this is all ridiculous, furthermore the responses to me prove what I said originally about it being all so ridiculous. It seems as though people are personally offended if someone takes their husband's name and felt proud to do so.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2018 09:48

It seems as though people are personally offended if someone takes their husband's name and felt proud to do so

Nope, not offended at that. You do what you choose.

I am offended at your refusal to accept that others choose different, and your insistence on imposing your choice on them.

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:48

Laureline then what happens if/when those grandchildren get married or have kids with another man/woman with two surnames? Will the next generation have 4 surnames? Surely people can see where I am going, how it is (I feel) getting quite out of hand and ridiculous.

Hisaishi · 17/12/2018 09:49

"Also I said behaviour is silly, immature, attention seeking, I haven't said that someone is. There is a difference."

Oh God, please, you know there really really isn't. When you don't know the person from Adam, you are basically labelling them as being such.

I didn't take your words as insulting to me because personally I couldn't care less about your opinions, they are pretty meaningless and frothy. Cute, though.

Jins · 17/12/2018 09:51

All my official mail comes addressed to my name. My ILs address it to their son but put Mrs in front of his name

They claim their way is correct and the official way of addressing me too. They are wrong though. My great uncle sent me cheques made out in my maiden name. He was also wrong.

The only people who seem to get it right are those that send official correspondence

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:53

@reallyanotherone all I am saying is that if you choose to be different, then the onus is on you to accept the responses. If you're the one choosing to be 'different', then you can't expect people to bend for you. You're the one who chose to be different from (the rhetorical) everyone else, it is up to you to be understanding and accommodating - in my opinion anyway.

For what it's worth, if a friend kept her name, I would have no problems addressing her by that. But, the thing is this; I'm not going to bother with 2 or even 3 surnames on one envelope. I'll just send it to my friend and it will be to her and her husband and children. Just that I sent it addressed to her. That's all.

MarklahMarklah · 17/12/2018 09:54

I added DH's surname to mine. We get cards to Mr & Mrs His Surname, Mr & Mrs My Surname, Mr His Surname & My Surname, Mr & Mrs His Initial + HisSurname, My First Name & His Firstname.

I don't know why it's so confusing. I send cards to people addressed in the names by which I know them.

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:56

@Hisaishi Sigh. Whatever you think. So if you tell your child who is mucking up 'don't be silly', you are calling them silly, instead of don't be silly? Really? Hmm I don't think so. Nice try though.

AtiaoftheJulii · 17/12/2018 09:57

You don't write first names on an envelope without a surname

That's hilariously stupid. In your example, of course you could write "Kelly and Chris". You could write "my beautiful blonde friend", or "Doodles the dog". You could write NO NAME AT ALL, lol, just the house number and the postcode. I've done variations of all of these.

My daughter used to live in a large house (not real address) 12 Oneway Street. Now she lives in a small house nearby, but the original group of housemates are still referred to as "12 One-way". Last week I sent them a collective Christmas present addressed to:
"12 Oneway"
34 NEWHOUSE ROAD
ETC

Got there fine Grin

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 17/12/2018 09:57

I really do wonder how important this hill to die on is for some people, it seems petty, immature and juvenile.

That's a problem with you, not them.

This topic does seem to encourage some people to attempt to weaponise their own inability to understand, though. You've plenty of company.

So often we have posts saying but I don't understand why you'd make this decision because blah blah. Then it's either implied or, as here, explicitly stated that the poster feels the decision itself is suspect, rather than having thought critically about whether the issue might be with their lack of understanding. You don't get something, so the problem must be with the person who does something you don't get rather than with you for not getting it. Mmkay.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 09:57

Why would you be "proud" to take your husband's father's name?

bobblewobble · 17/12/2018 09:58

My husband changed his surname to mine when we got married 10 years ago. His family refuse to call him by our surname and also addressed cards to our children in incorrect name. They have never been his old surname so there is no excuse!
He no longer has contact with them but I get told that they still refuse to acknowledge he changed his name!

hazell42 · 17/12/2018 10:00

It's important to you. Its not important to them. They forget. Get over it.

Laureline · 17/12/2018 10:02

Salem - for transmission, eventually in the past 19th and 20th century the paternal surname dominated, but the law changed in the 1990’s so people can chose now.

For example, former Prime Minister JOse Luis Rodriguez Zapatero, is mainly known with his mother’s name (Zapatero) instead of his father’s name (Rodriguez).
His wife’s surname is Espinosa
His daughters are called Zapatero Espinosa.

It’s really not that complicated.

Hisaishi · 17/12/2018 10:03

"@Hisaishi Sigh. Whatever you think. So if you tell your child who is mucking up 'don't be silly', you are calling them silly, instead of don't be silly? Really? hmm I don't think so. Nice try though."

Oh sorry darling, I didn't realise you were a child.

Addressing someone you personally know is not the same as addressing someone you've never met who is on the internet.

Sorry that you don't seem to understand the basically level of critical thought to grasp that.

Laureline · 17/12/2018 10:06

Posted too soon - it’s not complicated but maybe it’s also a question of time. I know there are the same kind of debates in France.

GrabEmByThePatriarchy · 17/12/2018 10:06

It's important to you. Its not important to them. They forget. Get over it.

Forget my arse. It's important enough to them to consistently get it wrong despite at least one member having been corrected on multiple occasions. If they weren't bothered about surnames, there'd be no real reason for them to be on there in the first place, and if it's important enough to include then it's important enough to get right.

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 10:06

@Hisaishi With that reply you displayed no critical thought in response to what I said, you wonder why I think your behaviour is immature.... Hmm

You aren't covering yourself in glory by refusing to discuss points raised and acting as you are. Au contraire, you are proving my point about the immaturity of it all.

Hisaishi · 17/12/2018 10:07

salem well, actually, first off you were cheering me from the sidelines and saying how much you agreed with me, so touche.

Sowwy I'm not mature enough for ya. Humphy bumphy.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/12/2018 10:07

My mum was weirdly very pissed off that I didnt change my name, she seemed to take it personally. I wonder if its because she feels defensive that she changed hers, as not doing so wasnt really an option. Or she is jealous that she felt she had to change hers..... she wont talk about it. She will sat things like "Whats your actual name again?!" in a passive aggressive way and I will always reply "You should know, you chose my first name and my surname is the same as yours" which winds her up :o

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 10:16

@Hisaishi When did I ever 'first off you were cheering me from the sidelines and saying how much you agreed with me'? I went back to my first post to you in this thread and at no stage did I ever say I agreed with you, let alone 'cheering' you on from the sidelines. It appears you are really losing it? Or have the wrong person.

JassyRadlett · 17/12/2018 10:22

^It's important to you. Its not important to them. They forget. Get over it.

The thing is, if I care about someone, I take time over things that are important to them. To do anything else is a sign that I do not value them very much.

Reflecting on the thread, I wonder if posters like salem are making an important, if unintentional, point about the need to be kind, understanding and charitable towards those who aren’t very bright and as a result are very rigid and inflexible in their thinking and approach to life, which can come across to others as rudeness or thoughtlessness.

81Byerley · 17/12/2018 10:23

My son and his partner have 4 children but are not married. I always address post to The (son's surname) family, or to them as a couple I put her first name and son's full name. ( Susan, and John Smith) Am I wrong? Also when addressing a letter to my Goddaughter who is married but uses her maiden name, I use her maiden name, but when writing to both of them I put Mr and Mrs husband's name.

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 10:36

"Also when addressing a letter to my Goddaughter who is married but uses her maiden name, I use her maiden name, but when writing to both of them I put Mr and Mrs husband's name."
Why would you be so incredibly rude?

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2018 10:37

It's important to you. Its not important to them. They forget. Get over it

If I’m not important enough to a person that they can’t even be bothered to learn and remember my name, they are not someone I want in my life.

I know all my friends names. If i don’t know their name Why would i be sending them christmas and birthday cards.

Anything not addressed to me or dh goes in the bin, unopened. Sometimes i might pass mail addressed to mil “mrs dhname” to her.