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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

288 replies

DeeOK · 16/12/2018 19:57

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 16/12/2018 22:27

My sister told me I was 'disgusting' for not taking DH's surname and lots of my family said what's the point of getting married. Some don't believe it's legal and send cards and cheques I can't cash for the children with dh's surname on. It's totally odd. They seem to think my name is double barrelled with DH as I must legally have to have his name somewhere and the children must legally have to be just DH's name. No matter how many times I have told them DH is his name. I am mine and the kids have both.

Having said that I had a bizarre conversation with our car insurance people when they called last week and said only dh and his married partner was covered for some legal cover in an accident and altho I was a named driver I wouldn't be. I kept saying but I am also his married partner and they were saying I wasn't because we had different names Confused

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 22:30

I've spoken to her LOADS of times, each time she reacts as if she had no idea / thought it was "just for work"/ whatever. And she doesn't just write to the "DHname" family, she writes to Mr and Mrs DHname, and to my 1st name, his 1st name, his surname....

OP posts:
Weathermonger · 16/12/2018 22:32

Maybe I'm old school, but I honestly don't understand the fuss about a name. However my SIL kept her name, and I always acknowledged it on cards. Now they have kids I address anything to the Smith/Jones Family. My kids names are misspelt all the time (ie: Ann vs Anne), but I acknowledge the fact people were kind enough to send a card, not dwell on the spelling.

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 22:32

MrsKoala that's appalling

OP posts:
celtiethree · 16/12/2018 22:34

Every card we have received this year has been addressed to Mr & Mrs DH name. Married for 17 years and sent many cheques back but it’s still too much effort to remember that I’ve never used his name and actually write my name.

Sugarformyhoney · 16/12/2018 22:34

My dp mum always addresses cards as Mr & Mrs ‘S Honey’. Drives me up the wall- I’ve neither morphed into my partner nor even married him 😡

Waddsup12 · 16/12/2018 22:36

"The just for work" thing drives me potty too. Christmas cards give me the rage...

People really do like to show their displeasure. Happily, my DH doesn't share their attitude.

Ceilingrose · 16/12/2018 22:37

I have this and it annoys me too. There's not much you can do, other than ignore it.

Tottie · 16/12/2018 22:38

I understand your frustration DeeOk. I get annoyed at being referred to as Mrs hisname. And more so as Mr and Mrs hisfullname! We've been together for over 20 years but aren't married. I changed my surname by Deed poll to hisname about 5 years ago and since doing so a lot of correspondence I now receive refers to me as Mrs, even though I use the title Ms. It's nobody else's business what my marital status is but when I sign myself as Ms hisname they should respect that and use my chosen title when replying. Really grates my cheese and no YANBU!

BlueJay1 · 16/12/2018 22:39

Didn't change my name either.

Kikithewitch · 16/12/2018 22:39

I have it the other way. When my GM died she left me some money in her will and it was made out in my maiden name. I’ve been married 13 years and did change my name.

Jux · 16/12/2018 22:41

Your sister's an idiot. She's probably hoping to get a rise out of you; I would never mention it again.

(There isn't a 'reply' facility on MN. If you are addressinga particular poster, what people normally do is embolden their name.)

BoswellandForshort · 16/12/2018 22:42

I kept my name but my SIL addresses every single Christmas card to Mr & Mrs Forshort even though she’s been repeatedly corrected. She’s obviously doing it to make some sort of statement. Drives me up the wall.

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 22:44

Thanks Jux, not posted much before, I'm more used to Twitter

OP posts:
MrsKoala · 16/12/2018 22:45

What annoys me more is the misspelling of dh's first name. He has a very common first name that can be spelled 2 ways - both ways equally common. Regardless of how often I write his name in cards the next one we get it's still the fucking wrong version. I'm slowly losing the battle with myself to be the bigger person and I reckon in a year or 2 i'm going to be purposely spelling everyone's name wrong on purpose!

Nearthebig40 · 16/12/2018 22:47

Ugh I get this so sympathise! Half my family, all my in laws and 2 of my friends. Pisses me right off. We’ve been married years so I’ve given up telling them now.
I try and chuck cards in the bin if they have the wrong name on but dh thinks I’m being mean Grin

twoshedsjackson · 16/12/2018 22:52

Presumably your MIL is known as "MrsDH'sSurname" (unless she struck a blow for feminism back in the day when she married DFIL); you could have some fun forwarding cards "addressed to her" if she's prepared to go along with the joke.
Then, instead of telling your boneheaded DS that she got your title wrong, tell her that she sent a card meant for your MIL to your address by mistake, and you've helpfully forwarded it.....even spelling out MIL's correct address as an act of kindness.

ReflectentMonatomism · 16/12/2018 22:53

My sister told me I was 'disgusting' for not taking DH's surname and lots of my family said what's the point of getting married.

Let's hope they never meet the Queen, then.

JassyRadlett · 16/12/2018 22:56

My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember.

Bollocks to the ‘older generation’. My grandmother was 92 when she died and always took the effort to get my husband’s name, my name and my kids’ names right (three different last names). Because she was polite and gave a shit about how we felt.

Is your sister married? I’d address all future post to Mr and Mrs HerMaidenName from now on.

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 22:59

Is your sister married? I’d address all future post to Mr and Mrs HerMaidenName from now on.
*
She's married for a 2nd time... never once have I got her name wrong but that is tempting

OP posts:
grumpy4squash · 16/12/2018 23:00

I am exactly the same, married at 30, 20 years ago. DHs entire family refused to know me by anything other than DH surname, but my family seem to have joined in. My parents, my aunts, most of my cousins. The only person who doesn't is my sister.

It's not difficult.

DH is DH surname. I am Grumpy surname
The DC have DH surname; I have a different surname to the DC
If school calls me Mrs DH Surname, that's fine and a reasonable guess; I can engage with that.
But I still get lots of "but you're Mrs DH Surname really, aren't you?". No I am not.

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 23:02

twoshedsjackson it's my DS not my Lil although my MiL definitely calls me by my DH's surname too!

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 16/12/2018 23:03

My ex’s parents always did that. I always let it slide though what was more annoying was that they always sent me a cheque (£30) for my birthday in the name of ‘Mrs Lelly ex’s surname’. I could never cash it as I didn’t have a bank account in that name.

ImportantWater · 16/12/2018 23:04

Ha! My mum also thought that “legally” my surname was now DHs name, and it was just some feminist whim of mine to ask people to call me by my maiden name. In fact there was a time when the family needed someone without their surname to sign something and she was all “Oh Water can do it because she is Mrs DhSurname.”

But I have to say I find it funny rather than anything else. My parents have three daughters, two married and one in a long term relationship, and not one of us has changed our name. While I am Ms Maidenname still, it doesn’t bother me to get cards addressed to Mrs Maidenname, Mrs DH Name or Ms DH Name, all of which are wrong. Cheques would be annoying though. The kids school falls over themselves to get it right and they never manage it - they have finally settled on Miss Maidenname, which is close enough I suppose..

Original poster
DeeOK · 16/12/2018 23:05

If school calls me Mrs DH Surname, that's fine and a reasonable guess; I can engage with that.
Funnily enough my DD's school NEVER get it wrong.... Hmm

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