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AIBU?

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Original poster

To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

288 replies

DeeOK · 16/12/2018 19:57

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 17/12/2018 09:20

Is being 'individual' that important to them that they have to make things more complicated and difficult for people around them?

I guess it must be quite hard to find things so complicated and difficult when the majority of people find them so simple and easy.

Original poster
DeeOK · 17/12/2018 09:22

Salem I'd really like you to answer why you think others should respect your choices when you don't respect theirs

OP posts:
Hisaishi · 17/12/2018 09:23

Hisaishi Yes imo they must have a very shallow and immature life if something as petty and absurd as this is that important. It is just SO stupid

Well don't put words in my mouth, I never said it was stupid or petty or absurd. I find your opinions about convention or whatever twice as silly tbh.

As for people being proud to take their husband's surname. Just fucking wow. The 1950s are over, you know, right?

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:24

@DeeOK You don't write first names on an envelope without a surname. So you need a surname of some type. I am saying that there is a proper way of doing things, and being official and doing things properly is more important than someone's silly feelings born out of immaturity and a need for validation/attention. Since when are silly feelings like that more important than how you do something properly?
To be honest, I would question anyone's love for their husband if family/friends refusal to bend to their need to not follow normalcy is soooo important. There are far more important things in life. If being addressed by the surname of the man you purport to love upsets you that much, if I were a male and a husband, I would be hurt. So why don't husband's feelings matter in this? It just boils down to selfishness and grandstanding. I used to have views you did (and most of my friends did too at school) as a teenager, but when I grew up, met the man I married, silly things like that no longer mattered. It all seemed so immature and childish. To me, anyway. Neither me or my friends ended up keeping their own names. I guess as I said, we grew out of that teenage idealistic, attention-seeking need for validation and individual phase. I know some who didn't change their names, but when it all boiled down to it, the fact is most of us did change our names. It is funny what seems so important when you are a rebel teenager thinking you are a feminist who can change the world. There are far more important things in adult life, far more worthwhile causes and hills to die on. This in retrospect seems so shallow and childish.

Original poster
DeeOK · 17/12/2018 09:26

Ah you're a troll, OK, have fun!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 09:27

Salem-what donyoubdobabout unmarried couples?

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 09:27

*do about

whatswithtodaytoday · 17/12/2018 09:27

Salem How sad that your husband isn't PROUD enough to have married you that he changed his name Hmm

Original poster
DeeOK · 17/12/2018 09:28

You don't write first names on an envelope without a surname 😂
The world would collapse

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 09:30

Incidentally, I am always fascinated by people giving leeway to "older, more traditional people".

Older people today were young in the 1960s. Not exactly a time of rigid old school conformity!

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:31

@DeeOK No, I am not a troll. Simply because I have a different opinion to you, doesn't make me a troll. This is yet more evidence of immaturity.

And, what is wrong with what I said re needing a surname on an envelope? I am sure your local postal authority will confirm what I said. Many letters with only a first name go to the dead letter office. Strange, I know since you'd think the house/post box number would be enough, but, there you go, you do need a surname on it. Unless rules have changed within the last 5 years.

Marychristmastome · 17/12/2018 09:33

@salemblackcat4

  1. It's normality, not normalcy (if we're concerned about etiquette and being right).
  2. Uh, yes, you can write first names only on an envelope. The sky doesn't fall in, honestly.

After 25 years of marriage and not changing my name, my family have finally got it (following a highly-liked Facebook post last year when I gently mocked those still living in the 1950s who didn't get that I hadn't changed my name, in common with virtually all women in my profession).
All this year's Christmas cards either have first names or correct surnames.

Bekabeech · 17/12/2018 09:34

My FIL (died in his 90s) always used my name correctly (and he didn't approve but accepted it graciously).
My SIL who sees herself as a feminist and was fine at first "forgets" all the time, and annoyingly got her DD to use the wrong name on place settings etc. at their weddings (one of her son-in-laws even apologised).
So it's not an age thing. If it was may family I would make a fuss - but I'm like that. It is deliberate though - my Mum had the reverse when some relatives refused to use her married name, it was as if they were refusing to acknowledge her marriage. Families!

ConkerGame · 17/12/2018 09:35

@salem I’m sorry to say that your husband probably doesn’t love you and isn’t proud of you Sad

Clearly if he was, he would’ve taken your surname.

Davespecifico · 17/12/2018 09:36

I can imagine what runs through their heads as they address your card. It's not entirely conscious, a sort if semi conscious callousness; an idea that your decision about your name isn't that serious and they know best.
It's something you'll never be able to train them out of. Put it out if your mind. Or another way to think if it is to imagine how odd it would be if they did actually decide to address you as you want.

Hisaishi · 17/12/2018 09:36

Really, Salem ? I highly doubt that. It might be the rule, in practice, if they have the address, they'll just deliver it as usual.

The reason you are coming off as a troll is because you just repeat insults and act like you're the sole arbiter of maturity on this thread because you GASP changed your last name.

You claim to not be a troll just because you have a different opinion, but happy enough to call other posters silly and immature and attention seeking because they have a different opinion.

I don't think you're a troll for what it's worth, I just think you're likely a bit bored and a bit daft.

elQuintoConyo · 17/12/2018 09:38

I'm PROUD to have married DH but no way in hell was i going to take his surname. My surname is my surname. Obviously, being my womanly surname, it gets pronounced and spelled wrong whereas DH's is easier to pronounce and very easy to spell. But his is hilarious and i really could not see myself as Mary Booby (not far off!)

Our child is Keith Conyo Booby, no hyphen, no disappearing 1st surname. He doesn't have a middle name. Just Keith Conyo Booby on everything.

I don't mind what is addressed on such things as Christmas envelopes, but official documents get returned with red marker pen Grin

Salem do you think you are Doing Woman better than the rest of us? When my friends get married i ask them what their surname decision is, then note it in my address book and find it really quite simple to copy words from one place to another. If i end up writing: Mr P.I.Staker and Ms M. Christmas then so be it, that's they're bloody names!

Or is using so much ink environmentally damaging?

elQuintoConyo · 17/12/2018 09:38

...that's their names

GoGrinddamnit!

SalemBlackCat4 · 17/12/2018 09:40

@Hisaishi I don't believe I've made any insults, if you and others choose to take it that way, this isn't my fault. In fact, I used I feel in those posts, on purpose to denote my views, my feelings on the matter.
I was quite careful to do so, so as to avoid that accusation. Also I said behaviour is silly, immature, attention seeking, I haven't said that someone is. There is a difference.

reallyanotherone · 17/12/2018 09:42

I would much rather a card arrived addressed to “janet and john” than mr and mrs dhname.

Salem, do you extend your attitude to the rest of your life? Do you vote? It would be easier not to and after all men voted on behalf of their families for centuries. No need to complicate things by canvassing womens opinions too. After all, them having an opinion on what their own names should be is wrong in your view...

Perhaps we should go back to the “proper” ways when women were chattels, and changing their name reflected them now belonging to their husband?

BertrandRussell · 17/12/2018 09:44

Salem- what about unmarried couples?

Original poster
DeeOK · 17/12/2018 09:45

I am sure your local postal authority will confirm what I said. Many letters with only a first name go to the dead letter office. Strange, I know since you'd think the house/post box number would be enough, but, there you go, you do need a surname on it. Unless rules have changed within the last 5 years
Salem half the letters I get are addressed to The Occupier. My surname is not Occupier any more than it is my husband's.
And if you're not a troll perhaps you should stop behaving like one (condescending, hostile, rude etc)
Or consider why the vast majority of people on here disagree with you? Is your life always like this? Maybe you're not always right?

OP posts:
reallyanotherone · 17/12/2018 09:45

@Hisaishi I don't believe I've made any insults

I find refusing to address me by name, instead insisting on using someone elses name, reducing me to an extension of that person pretty insulting, tbh.

HoustonBess · 17/12/2018 09:46

Lols, I changed my first name way before marriage (was called two different names growing up, opted for non-official one as an adult) then kept my second name on marriage and have always been a Ms.

I get cards to Mrs (nope) old first name (nope) DH's second name (nope). I find it amusing rather than that annoying really - sending a card is a mark of respect, not bothering to use the right name is a mark of disrespect, overall it's a neutral outcome for the price of a stamp!

Laureline · 17/12/2018 09:46

Salem - if the Spanish can manage two surnames, surely other countries can too...

My FIL is from Spain, and he finds it perfectly normal that his granddaughters have both names (father mother)

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