To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

I just don't understand the logic of 'tradition' in the addressing stakes.

If Miss/Ms Agatha Crumpnugget marries Mr Tobias Oojamaflip, it seems ridiculous to assume that she is henceforth going to be Tobias Oojamaflip too, and not Agatha - which is the convention that prevails with the 'correct' or 'traditional' form of address.

I don't see how it is rude, upsetting to a spouse or in any way inconvenient to wish to be addressed as Ms Agatha Crumpnugget after marriage.

I have found it interesting to see how so many of my friends took their husbands names on marriage, rather than keeping the one they'd had for many years.

I respect people who change their names and call them by what they've chosen. I don't respect the idea that women are weird or choosing not to is weird but I'd call you by what you asked me to.

A lot of people don't respect that choice and insist on calling women who have chosen to keep their own name by their husbands name though which is what people get annoyed about. A lot of people think it shouldn't matter and wanting to be called by our correct name a fuss.

@bollockingbaubles well I find it weird when women keep their own surname after marriage, but I wouldn't say so and I'd respect their wishes to want to stay separate named. And write their cards accordingly.

I must admit my first thought when a friend changes her surname is "jesus, why?" but heck, their names, their choices. Do what makes you happy.

I was a bit the same about the children's surnames - had it been only his surname, I'd have felt like a brood mare for someone else's family tree, (hopelessly mixed metaphors there.) I was the one being pregnant, I figured my part in the baby's heritage was at least as important as his part.

We did discuss choosing a new surname for us both, but he thought his Dad would be hurt.

Clunky though it is, I'm Ms Stroppy, he's Mr Hisname, kids are Hisname-Stroppy. Should they pair up with people they'll make their own choices about their names. Or choose new ones.

When I was about 40, my mum said she really regretted changing her surname when she got married as a kid of 19, but she didn't know back then it was an option.

well I find it weird when women keep their own surname after marriage

Out of interest, why do you find it wierd?

I found it more of a default. My name didn’t actually change on marriage unless I actively went about waving my marriage cert at banks etc and formally told everyone I’d changed my name.

If you don’t do that, nothing happens. You can still carry on using your passport, bank accounts and whatnot in your name and no one comments.

For me, all you’re doing is telling everyone you know you got married. Why the need to do so? It makes bog all difference to me whether someone is married or not...

One of my friends had a maiden name that is a synonym for "horrible" or "disgusting" and also had alliteration with her first name (think "Nicola Nasty"). Even the most "keep your name and refuse to be subjugated" amongst our friends knew not to say anything when this girl changed her surname upon marriage!

I never understand why women with dodgy surnames keep them until they get married! If you're called something embarrassing or it's the name of your dad who fucked off when you were a baby or something, it makes total sense not to want it. But the average age for a woman at first marriage now is about 30. That's 12 years choosing to go through life as Katie Clunge or whatever, and you can change it for free as soon as you're 18! No way would I be doing that.

I have this now. We got married two months ago. I love my surname and my connection to my family (who aren’t from this country). I also hate that I’m expected to spend my time and money changing my name when my husband doesn’t have to do anything! I have kept my name but most of the cards are addressed to ‘zoomiehusband’sname’ which is so annoying! Even the card from my mum!! I think it’s really rude. Some friends have addressed cards to Zoomie and Husband. That’s perfect!
He still thinks any children should just have his surname but that’s for a different thread!

I feel a bit bad now - I address Christmas cards to the "man's name family", even in two cases where the wives didn't change their names. To be fair, they didn't change their names for work reasons, rather than strong personal reasons, and their kids have the man's name, so I reckon if the majority are called Smith, then I don't want to write "the Smith family and Jane Banks" like she is their nanny or something

I am genuinely sorry if it's offensive to do it - it's part laziness and part humour - I am notoriously feminist, so I hope they don't hate it

@GrabEmByThePatriarchy, I've asked her before actually.

1. Because she didn't want to upset her parents. The worst bullying was probably at secondary school and she couldn't change that, so she just figured she'd wait for a legit reason.

2. It made her column stand out on the student paper and she thinks it got her her first jobs because it was memorable.

3. Because everyone would know WHY she changed it and what from so it wouldn't really change much. Especially after she'd toughed it out as a teen. In her words "like putting concealer on the remains of a spot, after you squeezed it.

Personally, I would have changed it. Someone else at uni had always used her middle name and dropped the surname she started uni with in favour of her mums maiden name in 2nd year. Another awkward surname, and one that she would've changed for work anyway given that she's now a secondary teacher and "Miss Dick" wouldn't be a great name. No one cared or commented but horses for courses.

Haven't read the thread but ready to bet you have posters coming on saying sister is correct, you ARE Mrs DHname by page 2.

It annoys me when businesses etc assume that you are married. I live with DM who has the same surname as me. I am Miss Aussie; she is Mrs Aussie.

Some company rings up. "Can I speak to Mrs Aussie" I hand the phone over to DM. After a brief conversation, she says "They want you"

I ask the caller "Why don't you just ask for MyFirstName Aussie? It would avoid all this confusion.

I hate titles. I have two; neither of which I use. I accept people using theirs when everyone else is being addressed by a title eg school parents' evening "Mrs Jones" "Actually I'm Dr Jones" but I do find it annoying when people introduce themselves by their title in a social setting.

In a hospital for example it's fine for someone to say "I'm Dr John Smith" but if you met the same person socially and he introduced himself the same way, I would think he was a bit up himself.

It reminded me of when there was an alumni University Challenge. Mary Archer introduced herself as such, despite having a choice of three titles. Unlike some of her team who insisted on saying "I'm Dr Firstname Lastname" Mary is a class act.

There’s a word we use for things that are described as or considered ‘weird’ only when practised by one sex and are just fine practised by the other sex, that don’t involve biology....

(My point being that I’ll call you whatever you like, but not all views deserve respect. If your views are sexist - ‘women keeping their own name is weird, but it’s fine for men’ - then those views don’t deserve any respect.)

@DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy I would just address those cards as "The Smith and Banks Family".

Lots of people smash our surnames together.

So the “Smanks Family” rather than Smith and Banks. I guess it saves ink. 😂

I think it is something to do with marriage (misguidedly) still being seen as the pinnacle of achievement for women

That's exactly why its so fucking insulting.

I'm not so offended when it's people who don't know me well, but every Xmas and birthday DM sends me a card addressed to Mrs DHSurname instead of Dr Willmott and it makes me so because I know she does it deliberately. Arrgh.

And DM claims she 'forgets' but if she really forgot my current name she would call me Miss Firstname Maidenname, the name I has throughout my childhood, not someone else's name that had never been mine

but how far would this hyphenation have to extend? The next generation would then have two lots of hyphenated names to further hyphenate, which is bloody ridiculous.

Why are people in 2018 so hard of thinking that this ^ always features in these threads?

I got married 35 years ago - back in the olden days - and I kept my own name. Shock, horror. ILs were outraged. We double-barreled when the first child came along, but only because I had looked into it and at the time - it may or may not have changed - the law said you could call your child whatever you liked, but, if the parents disagreed then for married couples the father's wishes take precedence. (for unmarried then the mother's wishes took precedence.)

Not wanting my children to have a different surname to me we all db as Myname-Hisname.

It took about 10 years for the PIL to use the right name and another 5 or so for the BILs. Aunt in law still calls us Mr and Mrs DH initial surname. In the meantime DH is known at work as just Mr Myname. I am also known at work as Mrs Myname. Our DC are adults and use different versions of the name. Just one is married so far. DIL chose to drop her name and took on his name but just calls herself Mrs Hisname. DGD has the db version.

Adults keeping own name and dbing any children is the way forward IMO.

The children then share a name with each of their parents. If parents separate they still keep their own original name, if they remarry, still no adults change their names, any more children db their parents names. This way all children share one name with each parent and at least one name with any siblings.

For the next generation parents with double barrelled names don't change their names on marrage and just hand one name each down to and children they might have.

There you go, sorted this name business out for you. As for titles, Miss/Mr etc, not needed at all, we could just do without them, first name, last names, that's all.

I don't get people who do what OP describes on purpose, fully knowing it is not your name. Whoever they are, Mum or aunt, if you are that pissed off, just write on the envelope "not known at the address, return to sender" and dump back into the post box.
If you are bothering to send them cards, print a sticker inside each along the lines of "please kindly note that our names are not Mr&Mrs Husband's surname, but ... [insert yours]".

But seriously, if there is so little respect, I'd limit my dealings with these people.

Seems a shame her parents didn't use a modicum of sense and use the mother's name for the kids DSHathaway. Men seem to think differently about their embarrassing names than women though.

(My point being that I’ll call you whatever you like, but not all views deserve respect. If your views are sexist - ‘women keeping their own name is weird, but it’s fine for men’ - then those views don’t deserve any respect.)

Correct.

Mens names are always nicer and easier to spell than their future wives /nods sagely.

It’s the main reason women don’t keep their own names. Nothing to do with patriachy.

(My own brain goes into some wierd swirly logistical black hole when I try and think about how this would work in reality. If a brother and sister have the same name, the fact that it simply cannot be possible for every male to have a nicer name.... so i just accept it must be true

Oh and I don't have the same name as my children and :shockhorror: I like it that way.

It shifts a lot of the wifework onto dh as the kids brownie groups etc work through facebook groups- they automatically contact him as they can’t find me

“Mens names are always nicer and easier to spell than their future wives /nods sagely.“

Except when they are much more interesting and distinctive.......

@GrabEm- family hail from somewhere pretty sleepy, I doubt it really crossed any minds. Mum changed her surname to "Nasty" and called daughter "Nasty" so that Mum, Dad, kid all have the same- which is fair enough if unfortunate. It's the alliteration that gets me. When I met my friend, she shortened her first name so she was "Nicky Nasty". My ex thought I was taking the mick when he first saw her surname in my phone, no one could really be called that!! Her mum's second choice was a name similar to "Stacey". Nothing wrong with that name per se, but "Stacey Nasty" sounds a bit like a drag queen.