To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

“She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - “ you can be “Well educated “and thick, apparently

Etiquette wise, I tend to towards addressing people by their actual names. That seems very simple.

I suggest you address her by her first husband's surname, until she desists.

While I defend anyone's right to call themselves whatever they want it don't see how keeping your maiden name is a blow for feminusm if that is your father's surname handed down through generations of patriarchy. The Icelandic model where a woman's surname is either Mother's First name or Father's First name +dottir is better.

For example Emmasdottir or Margretsdottir.

While I defend anyone's right to call themselves whatever they want it don't see how keeping your maiden name is a blow for feminusm if that is your father's surname handed down through generations of patriarchy. The Icelandic model where a woman's surname is either Mother's First name or Father's First name +dottir is better

But if you have no icelandic heritage it’s a bit barking to do that, and we have no british equivalent, unless we start with “susiesson” or “susiesdaughter”

I kept my name for various reasons- mostly i didn’t want my identity to be subsumed by dh’s- using his name, being known as his wife. The origins of my name are less important.

I am dr my name. Been married for 20 years and never changed my name, or used mrs, if a title is unavoidable. I get fucking birthday cards addessed to “mrs x dhsname”

It’s just rude. It says people think my marital status is more important than my hard earned education and achievements. That it is more important that people know i am married to dh than my own identity.

Assuming they're married, call them by their maiden names.

glamorousgran This comes up on every single one of these threads. It might be my dad's surname but it's also mine, that I've had since I was born. It's not about where it came from. No one expected DH to up and change his name just because he got married. Why on earth would I do it after living nearly 15 years of my adult life as Ms Blankets?

Anyway what I never understand is why some people are so vile about this, like you've walked up and slapped them in the face with your name. A bit of confusion I can understand from people who come from very socially conservative backgrounds, but some of the stories on this thread sound like actual rage. Do they feel like we're doing it AT them? Are they jealous somehow? I don't get it.

@Purplehairdontcare Lonica is right, I was going to ask the same thing. 'Mr H Hisname and Ms A Hername' is a lot to write on an envelope. I too, would just write Mr & Mrs Surname. It is just a lot quicker, shorter and neater. Aint no one got time for all that elongated bs.

SalemBlackCat “too, would just write Mr & Mrs Surname. It is just a lot quicker, shorter and neater. Aint no one got time for all that elongated bs.” and whose surname would you use? His or hers? If his, maybe they ain’t got time for your sexist bs anyway. Why even send a card to someone you respect so little as to call them by the wrong name?

Salem but don’t you think it’s rude to call someone the wrong name? Eg, you wouldn’t decide you couldn’t be bothered writing out “Elizabeth” and so address her as “Ann”, would you?

Tbh, I can't get worked up by a surname. Apart from being a useful way of identifying a family unit, what is the point of a surname? I don't give a toss whether the surname was originally the father's name, the mother's name, or is a name they both made up because they like it. But keeping separate surnames just seems designed to trip people up - albeit it is definitely offensive if those tripped up by it are supposd to be your nearest and dearest!

MIL sent my birthday cards to Mrs ‘his name’ ‘his surname’ which understandably he opened as it was only one letter off his name and nothing like mine.

Eventually I wrote ‘nobody of this name at this address’ on the envelope and stuck it back in the post box. Apparently that was the year she’d put cash in the card. If she had that was a first!

@HammerHorror "I think it's a etiquette thing like the PP who can't think how to address an envelope... I think people have no idea how to address an envelope to two people!"

I think that's it. We're taught in business/typing how to address an envelope. Addressing as to Mr John Doe and Miss Jayne Blogs lengthy word salad maybe too long to fit on an envelope wasn't actually thought of nor did it occur to any course writers. There are proper ways of addressing an envelope, and until only the last 20 years it served society well. Now, all of a sudden it is wrong. Bullshit! I really do wonder how important this hill to die on is for some people, it seems petty, immature and juvenile. I think many, like me, love their husband and are PROUD to take their name, I feel it is especially important when you have children, for a family all to have the one name.

Oh, and don't get me on this double-barrel surnames for kids bs. In another 20-30 years time we'll have adults named Jane Doe-Blogs or John Watson-Doe. So an envelope could look like this:
Mr Johnathan Watson-Doe and Miss/Ms Jane Doe-Blogs. Any children will then have their envelope (with their spouse as):
Mr Braeydan Blogs-Watson-Doe and Ms Taylah Wicks-Wilson-Robbins.
And then offspring Wicks-Wilson-Robbins-Blogs-Watson Doe and partner Smith-Jones-Jackson-Richardson-Chin A word salad and absolutely ridiculous! This pretentious wanky bs needs to really stop. Or else we'll have forms and envelopes a metre long. I don't think people even really think about things like this when they are advocating their need to be an 'individual' for the sake of it.

To the Doe family or Mr and Mrs Doe is simply SO much easier, certainly fits on the envelope unlike the double-barreled word salads. It is easier to remember (don't have to remember the individual surnames of both parties), quicker, much neater. Sorry, NOT sorry! I would either address an envelope to The Doe Family OR to the surname of only ONE of the people. Too bad if people don't like it, sorry, not sorry, not changing at all on that. What do people think (the rhetorical) I am? That I have time to remember every single male and female's surname or double-barreled surname? Beep that for a joke. No. I don't have 2 months to remember/write out all that word salad on an envelope. Don't like it too bad, should have thought of it before wanting to make a fuss over not wanting your partner's surname. That's how I am doing it, and that's all there is to it!

You don’t get to decide whether someone’s name is bullshit Salem. Fuck off with deciding you’re the expert on naming.

If you call Emma Bloggs by the ridiculous name Mrs Michael Jenkins because it suits your idiocy, you’re a knob.

My DH’s family did this for the first Xmas after we were married. I knocked it on the head immediately by sending it back saying ‘not at this address - return to sender’. When they rang to say it had come back and did they have the right address I said yes, but wrong name .

So many ways to go with this.
Call them another name and when they ask wtf just say as they insist on calling you the incorrect name you will return the favour.
Pin a sign to yourself with your name and when they ask wtf just say they seem to be confused and have so much trouble with it this seems the best solution to ‘assist them’.
So many possibilities.

I couldn't get pissed off about this, personally.

I didn't change my name either, I've never really checked envelopes/cards etc to see if anyone wrote my name right.

I definitely wouldn't be cutting them out/sitting them down. It's just a bit whatever to me.

BeanBagLady Yes, I am a woman who is sexist. It can't just be that protocol, order, simplicity and being sensible rather than immature is important to me. If it was a girlfriend and I was sending a Christmas card, I would either address it to her separately, .eg Kelly Brown, or to Mr and Mrs White. If I had to worry about the individual surname of BOTH people just for a bloody card, I would simply address it to the person I was closest to e.g Kelly Brown on the envelope, and inside the card I would write To Kelly, Chris and children (or To Kelly, Chris and family).

It is very simple and has served us well for decades/centuries. It is uncomplicated and easier than having to keep track of 2, maybe 3 surnames for one household.

BlessedMango No one is talking about the first name. Only the surname.

IncyWincyGrownUp I happen to think that if you chose to give yourself 3 double-barreled surnames, out of your own idiocy and need for attention, then that makes that person the knob, and I don't have to entertain their childish idiocy. It is either to Mr and Mrs OR to Ms ......... (insert surname). One or the other. If you choose to be an attention-seeking person who needs validation by seeking to go against seamless tradition just for the sake of being 'different' then you're the knob and should expect to be treated with disdain. If you do that, you've got to expect it. So that's not my fault.

Hisaishi Yes imo they must have a very shallow and immature life if something as petty and absurd as this is that important. It is just SO stupid! Life is complicated enough, why do people these days go out of their way to further complicate things? Is being 'individual' that important to them that they have to make things more complicated and difficult for people around them? Give us a break with this self-indulgent, immature nonsense.

@salem, before “mr and Mrs doe” got married but when they were cohabiting, did you manage to write “mr doe and miss smith” or has your laziness just kicked in since they married?

Well there you have it: I have never changed my name, you would deliberately call me by my DH’s name to save yourself bother because you think I am a knob.

So why even send me a card?

Especially as the ‘knob’ judgement is mutual

I think many, like me, love their husband and are PROUD to take their name, I feel it is especially important when you have children, for a family all to have the one name
Salem that is your choice and I'd respect that -why do you think you don't have to respect other people's choices? Because you don't have an extra 3 seconds? It's just as easy to write just people's 1st names, why not do that? You're basically saying convention is more important than people's feelings.
And the implication that you love your husband more because you took his name. .. you know what you can do with that

@OnceUponAGiraffe As I said before, I would address the card to my friend ONLY in that circumstances, rather than friend and her partner.

I think many, like me, love their husband and are PROUD to take their name, I feel it is especially important when you have children, for a family all to have the one name.

But some of us are ATTACHED to the name we had all of our lives and view it as part of our IDENTITY. It may also cause all sorts of professional kerfuffle because some people have professional registrations under our own names and it’s a complete pain in the arse to change this. It’s probably hard for you to understand but many of us actually forged ahead with our lives and even careers to make us feel PROUD instead of sitting on some display shelf and waiting for a man to come along so we could feel pride. Mind blowing, I know.

You would also drop down dead with my family nomenclature. DH has his surname. I have mine. Kids have something different. We didn’t want to double barrel, some names just don’t go together. So we took the letters from both names and came up with a really nice one. Kids love their name. It’s THEIR name. They think it’s special as it’s the result of effort to get something that sounds great, not just a brainless regurgitation of one if ours. It’s never been a problem in regards to anyone identifying us as a family unit but then again if someone has grave difficulties in figuring out how to address envelopes to people I guess it may be a challenge but then such people already have so many challenges in life.

Quite simply people address our family mail as X, Y and Z family or X/Y/Z family. Not difficult and funnily it’s never NOT fitted onto an envelope.