To resent it when my family refuses to use my surname?

[DeeOK]

I got married 18 years ago but it never occurred to me to change my name. I was 32 and my surname was too much a part of who I am. I have never, ever, criticised or judged anyone for changing their names - I respect their choice but expect them to respect mine too. This has not been a problem except in my own family. My mum and an aunt consistently "forget" my name is not the same as my DH's. I can accept this to an extent as they are of an older generation, but what upsets me is one of my sisters who will not remember. I just got a card from her addressed to the "xx" family (my DH's name).
I've spoken to her loads of times and each time she reacts as if it's new information. She says "but legally it is your name isn't it?" - even though this is entirely untrue- your name does not automatically change when you get married, if you don't want it to you just carry on as before. She's well educated and would consider herself a feminist, I just do not understand why she won't respect my wishes? And if I mention it in a family get together I'm made to feel I'm making a fuss about nothing. Thankfully my eldest sister also kept her name and feels the same as me. I have a 3rd sister who doesn't want to get involved.
It's really getting me down, especially with Christmas coming up!

Really? The majority of people do it. Most of those people are male. Does being male reduce the weirdness?

Wish Mumsnet had a "Like button

Lots of people smash our surnames together. So the “Smanks Family” rather than Smith and Banks. I guess it saves ink

I love this idea

The legal position in this country is that the default is "Do Nothing".

So to actually change your name you have to Do Something. So the default is women keeping names.

In my daughter's class at school at least half the mums have different surnames to their partners. Some might not be married of course but I think the idea that it's "the norm" to change your name is no longer true

Your family are being deliberately rude. You don't "forget" that something hasn't changed. That's not how memory works. Forgetting would mean defaulting to your maiden name.

When we got married, I took Mrs, but kept my surname. When we get back from holiday next month, DH is changing his name to mine, so when the baby is born in April, we'll be the Moon family.

I offered to double barrel or mesh or surnames, but he offered to take mine because he's awesome. And he's better at admin...

There are family friends who've sent cards to Mr and Mrs DHname this year. I find it mildly irritating, but also amusing to think how they'll cope when DH changes his name. I think I'd find it more annoying if it carried on forever, but DH already talks about returning them to sender, so I think he'll nip it in the bud!

DH already talks about returning them to sender

The first thing which is bad is that women are treated as not being entitled to choose their own form of address: "I'm going to send you cards based on how I think you should be addressed, ignoring what you have told me".

The second thing, compounding the first, is that (a) your husband will not have the nervousness articulated in this thread about correcting people and (b) people will listen, because misnaming a man isn't going to be as easy to sweep away.

Yes, if men want to be called by their actual names it magically becomes not weird, trivial or objectionable. One of those remarkable wee coincidences.

Yep. You're absolutely right @ReflectentMonatomism. To his credit, he does realise that too.

BloodyDisgrace you are right.

I eventually cured my mother of addressing me as Mrs Husbandfirstname Husbandsurname by telling her that I was going to put any further items addressed like that straight into the recycling without opening them, because if they were addressed to the wrong name then they were clearly junk mail.

Turns out she can manage to call me by my own name after all

My in laws had no problem using my name. When I moved away, my own parents (older and my mother fancied herself as knowing "etiquette") used to send me post addressed to Mrs Dhname Dhsurname. Eventually I told them it was safer to send me parcels at work and if they sent them there using that name, they'd be returned to them as that person didn't exist and nor did Mrs Myname Dhsurname. They got it eventually.

Can't fathom how it could be seen as weird to continue using the name you were given at birth. Life must be a rollercoaster of shock and surprise for someone who finds that weird.

Can't fathom how it could be seen as weird to continue using the name you were given at birth. Life must be a rollercoaster of shock and surprise for someone who finds that weird.

I would be willing to bet significant amounts of money, oh, OK, a fiver, that at least 90% of people who make a fuss about outdated ideas of "etiquette" have not enjoyed extensive education, travel or careers. And spend a lot of their time harrumphing about young people, foreigners and all music recorded after 1960.

@JingsMahBucket That's a good tip, thanks

@DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy you're very welcome. :)