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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
Northernknickers · 16/12/2018 11:31

@BearFoxBear are you the SIL? Unbelievable that you are blaming/judging the OP here. 😮

Have my first ever Biscuit

Godowneasy · 16/12/2018 11:36

Does the au pair even know that sil is going away? And thatshe is expected to lok after the child on her own for 10 days?

Can the au pair be relied upon not to walk away from the situation altogether whilst sil is away? or shortly before she goes away?

Au pair is probably very young and won't relish being in this situation at Xmas. What is sil's back up plan if au pair was to suddenly leave?

Has sil bought presents for her daughter? And xmas food etc.

Sil is going on a holiday. She's lying to you too.

She's a cunt to not want to be with her 5 year old for Xmas. I'd be really concerned about her parenting the rest of the year if she can act like this at Xmas.

I don't get why you and DH are so concerned about being very forthright in telling her exactly how appalling her behaviour towards you and especially her daughter is?

I'd steal her passport personally. It's no less than she deserves,

Northernknickers · 16/12/2018 11:36

I also can't IMAGINE choosing to go away for 10 days over Christmas and leaving my FIVE YEAR OLD!!! Who even does that???

Not a chance in hell I'd facilitate that kind of lifestyle choice!! She could absolutely do this 'paperwork' another time!! Selfish woman!

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/12/2018 11:37

Isn't a child of this age whose mother has left her for Christmas likely to be quite distressed? I doubt it would just be a case of budging up and cooking a slightly bigger turkey.
If there was a genuine emergency I could understand it, but this seems like the mother fancies a bit of a holiday to me. I had more than my fair share of the in-laws kids being left with me so their parents didn't have to give a shit, and I wish that I'd stood up for myself sooner. If you do this, it won't be the last time and you may come to wish that you'd put your foot down earlier.

TheFaerieQueene · 16/12/2018 11:38

I’m a bit Hmm about this tbh.

Naveloranges · 16/12/2018 11:40

Irrespective of whether sil is wrong or right, I would happily welcome dn into my home for as long as necessary. I have regularly taken my niece and nephew on holiday, looked after them and had my niece to live with me for 12 months. It is not the fault of the child that she has two utterly selfish parents. I could not leave a member of my family alone at anytime of the year, least of all Christmas.

hellojim · 16/12/2018 11:44

Your SIL is being unfair to everyone involved and sounds incredibly selfish. I think she is trying to get around the legalities of not leaving your niece with the au pair full-time by putting them both up at yours. I feel sorry for the au pair being left in this strange situation.

GameofPhones · 16/12/2018 11:45

I would have the child, base the au pair at the other house but avail yourself of her services. Invite the au pair for Xmas days, get help from her. The au pair might appreciate having the other house to herself, but make sure she helps you out. Also make sure the SIL doesn't do anything like this again, if she can't be prevented from her actions this time.

babydreamer1 · 16/12/2018 11:45

I'm someone who hates a houseguest but think having DN there for the whole time would be the right thing to do if I'm honest. I wouldn't even count a niece as a guest. It breaks my heart that this poor little girl is so unwanted at Christmas, she is 5 and will be aware that you didn't want her there the whole time and probably feels incredibly sad to be left at Christmas. Yes it might put you and your routine out, but it's 10 days, over the holidays, when routine is thrown out anyway. You'll probably find that it's not as hard as you think it will be, as the two older ones will make their own fun and it might actually be fun for your 5YO to do Christmas things with another same aged child. Plan some nice things for them to do together, baking, crafts etc.

As for the Au Pair, she is not your problem, at all. You don't need to have her to stay, she is SILs employee and they can sort out what's fair between them, she should send her home but it's not your concern.

Give your poor little niece a special Christmas, none of this is her fault and she will likely be missing mummy and need your love and care. Think of what you would want for your DC if they were ever without you.

Cloglover · 16/12/2018 11:47

You are absolutely not unreasonable to not want to have your niece to stay for 10 days over Christmas. Effectively you will be responsible for her as the au pair legally isn't. My two are older than yours and not in the madness of the two young ones stage but I would not choose to have that level of responsibility even if it wasn't Christmas. Obviously if this was an emergency I imagine you'd do it in a heartbeat however hard it was. But this is no emergency. This is a completely unavoidable situation. Even if the sil couldn't go any other time she should take the child and the au pair with her. Turn it into a holiday. Her child and her au pair are her responsibility. It sounds like she wants a break from being a mum (which is understandable) but you you wouldn't do it over Christmas and expect someone else to make your child's Christmas magical. Does she have form for this sort of thing?

DishingOutDone · 16/12/2018 11:47

I feel sorry for you having a sister who behaves like this, everyone is disposable eh?! But even worse for your poor niece. What on earth did you say to your sister?

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 11:47

Why is your SIL going away? Has that been answered?

I would say no because I don’t have spare bedrooms for one person, let alone two.

Fairenuff · 16/12/2018 11:50

I am good to have my niece not the au pair. I would prefer she shortened her trip and it not be over Xmas. On a personal note Im struggle with getting a good routine set up for my 2 ds’ so if it’s not an emergency dn can stay but not 10days. Does this seem fair

Just be aware that she could agree to this but then just not come back early. Your dn will be with you and you will have no choice but to look after her until your SIL returns.

Are you sure she's not going to spend Christmas with a new lover? Can't see any other reason why she would go at that time and leave her dd behind.

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 11:57

Good point fairenuff.

I think the answer needs to be no. If Sil subsequently leaves dd with AP then the uncle may need to step in.

The DH has the measure of his sister, let him deal with it. It's rare that a DH is more sympathetic to his wife than other women on MN.

FilthyforFirth · 16/12/2018 11:57

Not sure if anyone has asked this, but what about your in laws? I.e. your neices grandparents? Are they not around? Could you split the time between you?

Not that I think you are being even slightly U. Your SIL is a piece of work. Who the hell does this to a 5 year old?

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 12:04

Thanks all. Following this thread. I’ve told dh to have a better conversation with sil. I always struggle with such requests because unless it’s an emergency I would not ask this of anyone family or not. I don’t think this is an emergency. I know she’s upset now since the convo with dh.should I say sth to her or no?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 12:06

Have you not read the overwhelming response on this thread?
YES, you should say this to her.

Fairenuff · 16/12/2018 12:08

Yes. Just talk to her and say parents do not usually leave their children at Christmas so why is it so imperative that she go at that time?

See what she says.

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 12:09

OP, tell DH you agree that the answer is no.

You don't need to say anything to SIL. Let him deal with it, it's his sister.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 12:10

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess I’m just asking if I should say something first before dh has the ‘conversation’ since she originally made this request to me and I told her to discuss with dh and the outcome is my original post.

tinstar · 16/12/2018 12:10

I think a conversation is in order. I feel I should let my sil how I feel without any judgement towards her.

Why on earth would you say that op?!!!! Of course you must let her see you're judging her!!!

Don't make the conversation about how it will impact on you. Make it about how it will impact on her dd. She clearly needs it spelt out what a crap mother she's being.

Make it a firm 'no' - because it's not fair on her dd. Don't enable her crap parenting. Of course you can always step in if it turns out she's gone anyway and left the two of them alone. But don't let her know that. She sounds vile.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 12:12

Maybe you should both speak to her at the same time. Agree your approach first and exactly what you are willing to off and then stick to your guns.

But it sounds as though you are nicer than her, so she will "win," as she will appeal to your better nature. Wither that or kick off so badly that you'll feel forced to give in.

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 12:13

she originally made this request to me

She knew her brother would say no, and rightly so. OP, get some backbone.

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 12:18

She's a shit mum. Your h needs to tell her she needs to step up and that he and you are not there to enable her to swan off as she likes, making demands on what you offer in terms of assistance with childcare, and won't be having them to stay over the Christmas season.

You both need to look at some assertiveness training because most peoples' reaction to this request would be 'What kind of parent fucks off for 10 days and leaves her child with a teenager?

Milliy · 16/12/2018 12:20

SIL is the unreasonable one here not OP. What sort of Mum goes off overseas at Christmas and leaves her daughter on her own anyway. She needs her Mum at Christmas to do the magic that Mums do. Sounds like SIL is going for a jolly more like. If this impacts in your family then that us unfair in you.