To say no to this request? Really need advice

[Mimibamz]

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

[melj1213]

Tbh as sad as I am for the OPs niece, I'm also really sad for the poor Au Pair.

I lived in Spain and was young when I had DD (20) and many of the kids in DDs nursery had English speaking au pairs the same age as I was so I made friends with a lot of them. I even hosted one or two over Christmas when they had come from countries where it was too far/expensive to fly home and the families they au paired for went away and the au pair didn't want to/wasnt asked to go.

This au pair is either being expected to spend 10 days in sole charge of a 5 year old over Christmas, which is above and beyond an AP contract; spend Christmas alone at SILs house while her charge is with the OP; stay with the OP at her house and be part of their Christmas whilst potentially feeling awkward at being somewhere she knows she isn't really wanted or there isn't room for her (a 5yo might be oblivious to the situation but the AP won't be) or make some other arrangement with just a weeks notice.

I know none of this is the OPs responsibility, much like the responsibility for her neice, but I do think it is still a sad state of affairs.

[Ycochyn]

I think all you negative posters should keep your anger for the mother of the child who is leaving her alone at Christmas!! Not the OP who is doing her best to help out

[Weezol]

OP, tell DH you agree that the answer is no.

You don't need to say anything to SIL. Let him deal with it, it's his sister

In the nicest way, you are the 'weak link' and SIL knows it. Keep right out of this - do not contact her, you'll undermine DH.

[WilburforceRaven]

Your h has had it with his pisstaking sister. You know this trip isn't necessary. You told the CF sister to take requests to your h because you have also had enough of her, but she showed no respect for either of you and came back to you with her demands and now you're telling your h to ask if the trip is necessary? Why not back him up here and tell him to tell her to go sling her hook? She's a monumental CF.

[SpringIsSprung1]

There 12 pages of sincere posts. The op hasn't been back ffs!

[anniehm]

It's reasonable to leave an au pair in sole charge for 10 days, the only options are for either them to stay or your sister not to go!

[melj1213]

@SpringIsSprung1 ... the op is @Mamadee15, she name changed after the OP and has posted throughout the thread... the latest of which is at the top of this page!

[SpringIsSprung1]

Oops, sorry!

[WilburforceRaven]

You cannot have chats with manipulative CFers, either. You have to tell them NO, via email/text or SM/PM. If they have requested it of you on the phone or in person you learn some comebacks to stall for time and/or assertiveness so you learn to tell them NO and then you text people like this back. 'We will not be able to provide childcare for you.' If she then calls or turns up you have to learn to tell her only 'This isn't up for discussion. We will not provide childcare. You need to make other arrangements' and repeat and repeat and repeat because CFers count on weak wet lettuces.

[Mamadee15]

@WilburforceRaven yes to me being more assertive. This is a struggle of mine outside of this post. I need to learn this. I’ve left it in dh’ hands.

[ElektraLOL]

I think your SIL is beyond awful leaving her 5 year old child behind at Christmas. I also can understand why you feel the way you do, OP because you've two young dc yourself. However, in your shoes I wouldn't have to think twice about having my niece stay with me because she's not otherwise going to feel secure. The au pair isn't her mum so the next best thing is her uncle, aunty and cousins.

[WilburforceRaven]

Yes, but you left him with this lilly-livered have a chat with her and see if it's necessary instead of just leaving it to him entirely even though you agree with him. If a woman posted on here that her husband didn't support her in a case like this he'd be roasted.

[Augusta2012]

I’m finding this really hard to follow because the OP name changed so her posts aren’t highlighted, so apologies if I’ve missed one.

Re the SIL. It doesn’t sound like she’s just going off on her jollies having a laugh and doing something which she thinks is more fun than Christmas with her kid. It sounds like dull admin.

I’m wondering if Xmas is actually the only time she can do this because otherwise she’d be losing money she couldn’t afford to or wouldn’t be able to take time off. That would especially make sense if she is self employed. Women who have come out of newly ended relationships often struggle to make ends meet. My DH is self employed and during the Xmas shut down a lot of boring stuff he can’t usually take time off for is sorted though fortunately not abroad.

In this situation I would take niece but get SIL to ask Au Pair if she wants a ticket home for the period or to spend it with friends/boyfriends locally and give a bonus to cover food and bills if she stays local.

I find it really hard to believe a Mum would dump her kid at Xmas just to sort out routine admin. Maybe there re dates for court filings have to be met or something.

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

OK, so your dh asks her if this trip to do admin and paperwork over Christmas is really necessary. She lies says yes it is.

Then what?

[tinstar]

OK, so your dh asks her if this trip to do admin and paperwork over Christmas is really necessary. She lies* says yes it is.

Then what?*

DH says, "why?"

[tinstar]

Augusta2012 - if you were in the situation you've described, wouldn't you take your dd with you?

[Augusta2012]

Depends, on a lot of countries she might well be risking coming back without her DD.

[Yabbers]

Christmas really does funny things to people. If this thread was written in the summer holidays no one would be calling the OP unreasonable.

You genuinely can’t see the difference between a ten day trip in summer and one that takes in Christmas, LivingDeadGirl?

You can’t see that a mother leaving her child over Christmas isn’t something a relative should step in to do something about? I wouldn’t feel terribly sorry for the 5 year old if it were July but feel awful to think of a child being left just with an au pair for what is one of the most magical times of the year and having an aunt and uncle who think including her in that magic is something they will do as a compromise but only for a few days because apparently one extra child is just too much hassle for them.

[ChocolateCard]

This is mental.

Not a true story, surely?

[Milliy]

Aunt and Uncle are not at fault here, at all. However you look at it it's an imposition to ask anyone else to take a child and au pair into there home over Christmas whilst the Mother goes on a jolly. This is all the Mothers fault, no one else's

[flumpybear]

Your SIL knows she's in the wrong and causes arguments to deflect this - don't fall for it! Tell your DH to tell her she's being a CF and seriously unreasonable to her poor little girl - what 5 year old gets left alone at Christmas

[longestlurkerever]

I sort of agree the Christmas angle has made everyone go a bit bonkers. It's not something I'd do in a million years because we celebrate Christmas and I've never been away from the DC longer than 2 nights but I am prepared to accept some people do things differently and Christmas isn't compulsory. Everything else is mad though. Who books 10 nights away before having a rock solid childcare plan?

[longestlurkerever]

I also don't get the attitude that pausing before hosting a niece for 19 days somehow makes the OP and ogre. I've never asked my dsis to take my DC for that long, nor her me, but if I did I think I'd realise it was a bit of an ask.

[Mummadeeze]

I wouldn’t be able to say no to having the niece (but would make it very clear that your SIL is not behaving like a good Mum). I would say no to the Au pair though - not your problem. Feel sorry for your niece.

[Mamadee15]

All your comments are very insightful and helpful. I will say this is not the first time sil had asked us to look after dn on short notice for reasons which we didn’t feel were important. We have helped out on those priors occasions though when we questioned it the first time it was a kick off (but we still did it). That’s part of why there was a hesitation this time. Like I also said I tend not to tell people what I want but rather ask and see if my want can be accommodated which I feel she didn’t do. I’ve also realised it’s not my place to question sil but to leave it off to hubby as I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Finally The comments that said they would do it without question are making me reflect on myself. Because I wouldnt do it on a whim unless it was an emergency. Self reflection going on here. Anyway DH will speak to SIL and they will sort it out I know