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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
HisBetterHalf · 16/12/2018 10:46

She's only 5 and wont be with her mum for christmas? Think you and SIL are downright unreasonable

HolesinTheSoles · 16/12/2018 10:48

SiL is clearly a useless mum and the au pair is absolutely not meant to be providing 24 hour childcare! Ridiculous. I probably would take niece because Sil clearly will just do what she wants to do regardless and I'd want to help my poor niece. I'd have no reservations about telling SiL exactly what I thought of her though.

Feefeetrixabelle · 16/12/2018 10:51

I would say dn can stay for the 10 days. It’s christmas. Routine setting doesn’t really work there. And either the au pair goes home, stays with her friends/travels or she can come and care for the three children for 2 hours a day which will give you some time to crack on with things. And I would invite the au pair to stay Christmas Eve and day if she stays too.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 10:52

If you go in to this conversation sounding remotely wishy-washy, you will end up doing the lot.
Your starting point needs to be No. Not at all. Cancel trip and rearrange for another time.
Then maybe concede a tiny bit.

AlpacaPicnic · 16/12/2018 10:53

Looking after an extra 5 yo for ten days is a tough call for most people , let alone a 5yo at Christmas who is missing her mum, and may well be tearful, emotional, might tantrum because she doesn't understand what's going on. Poor little girl. Your SIL is behaving appallingly and passing the buck to you.

llangennith · 16/12/2018 10:53

I love all the children in our extended family but really would prefer not to have to look after them for a ten day period over Christmas. That's really intruding on family time.
You do need to have a straight-talking conversation with your SIL and ask her if she truly thinks it's ok to abandon her DD for Christmas. And find out the real reason for the 10 day trip.
If it's all done and dusted then tell her to send the au pair home and make this a lovely Christmas for your DN as well as your own DC.
Your SIL has put you in a horrible position.

Aneira11 · 16/12/2018 10:55

In your situation, I would invite the niece to stay, but not the au pair. That’s a much bigger imposition to have a stranger/adult in your house when you have to converse and include them in meals/sitting around in the evening etc. That sounds like a much bigger effort than another little one (assuming she isn’t a difficult/badly behaved child).

madcatladyforever · 16/12/2018 10:56

I would just do it without the au pair. I know kids are exhausting but I just couldn't leave a 5 year old like that with an au pair especially over xmas even if you are having her over for actual xmas.
10 days won't kill you.

Blackness78 · 16/12/2018 11:00

Why can't you and your husband talk to SIL about how you really feel? I think once this is tackled, you may be able to deal with other issues with her.

I don't think you came across as not wanting your niece around, I think it's more the fact that you have your own family and it isn't always easy to take on two extra people, especially at such short notice. I understand that.

Please, go to the source.

notapizzaeater · 16/12/2018 11:00

Wow, I can't think of any mum who would leave a 5 yr old at Christmas and I know a few bad ones. I'd be questioning her about how she is going to be doing the business when everywhere will be shut.

Blackness78 · 16/12/2018 11:02

Your SIL is behaving appallingly and passing the buck to you

This, with Christmas bells on.

Chloe84 · 16/12/2018 11:04

On a personal note Im struggle with getting a good routine set up for my 2 ds’ so if it’s not an emergency dn can stay but not 10days. Does this seem fair

That's more than fair OP.

But I would let DH say no, don't get involved. If SIL is otherwise a decent mum, she'll either take her dd with her or cancel the trip.

If relations are amicable with her ex, do you know why she doesn't want to drop dd off at ex's? Is it mainly the cost of dd's plane ticket do you think? If she's not willing to pay for a ticket for dd, is that also tye reason why she won't send au pair home for Christmas?

PuppyMonkey · 16/12/2018 11:05

Blimey OP, I think showing your SIL your true feelings with as much judgement as feasibly possible is the very least she can expect, WTF is she thinking leaving her child to go off on a jolly? This is the saddest thread I've read in ages.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 16/12/2018 11:07

. I am good to have my niece not the au pair. I would prefer she shortened her trip and it not be over Xmas. On a personal note Im struggle with getting a good routine set up for my 2 ds’ so if it’s not an emergency dn can stay but not 10days. Does this seem fair?

Not for the au pair no. I think you should demand (yes demand) she flies the au pair home for the duration (assuming she would like to go home of course).

Emus · 16/12/2018 11:11

If I've read this correctly, your SIL booked flights away over Christmas THEN asked you to look after your DN and the AP whilst she's away. Your DH told her no. You think she's going to go anyway and leave DN and the OP at her house?

If this is the case then I personally wouldn't worry about fallout (even though it's horrible). Your DN should be the one that's being looked out for and her mother needs telling that what she's doing (assuming it is a jolly she's booked) is unacceptable over Christmas. My 5 year old is SO excited for Christmas this year - I cannot imagine intentionally leaving him.

If she does go and leave her, you will soon hear about it and can step in, but I would think SS would take a very dim view of that and should be informed. Your SIL needs a rocket up her arse I'm afraid.

Thanks for you and your poor DN.

zen1 · 16/12/2018 11:13

If you say no, will your SIL bugger off anyway leaving her DD with the au pair?

blackteasplease · 16/12/2018 11:18

Why not have you niece to stay throughout and say the au pair can stay over Christmas and have her pop in to help with the kids when you need help.on the other days?

When we had au pairs they would have been pleased to have the house to themselves foe a bit. Does SIL not trust the au pair? Bit mad to trust her with the kids if so!

RoboticSealpup · 16/12/2018 11:25

WTF? Your SIL is fucking off over Christmas, leaving her 5-year old for ten days in the care of an unqualified teenager? (That's what an au pair usually is.) And now she's making this your problem, and you get to be the bad guy? Seriously, I take my hat off to this Cheeky Fucker. What an asshole

Bluesmartiesarebest · 16/12/2018 11:25

I think you should just say no to all of the request. Your SIL is a terrible mother to think of leaving her child over Christmas for 10 days. Why can’t she take your Dn with her?

WhendoIgetadayoff · 16/12/2018 11:26

Your SIL is a nightmare but having third child over Christmas might be fun and cousins will get to play. Au pair can help out with all children or baby giving you more time with older ones or to yourself.
I wouldn’t hesitate to take your niece as her mum sounds awful going away but my SIL would know exactly what I thought. I’d make it big exciting time for cousins. If she lived abroad you’d maybe have them landing in you for this long over festive period anyway. Also may have missed it but any in laws in hand to help?

Neolara · 16/12/2018 11:27

Well this is obviously terrible behaviour from your aunt and it would give me the rage. However, I wouldn't say anything in the last few weeks your nan has. A family bust up would be awful for your grandpa and mum at this point.

Neolara · 16/12/2018 11:27

Sorry. Posted on wrong thread by accident.

RoboticSealpup · 16/12/2018 11:28

Why is everyone ignoring the fact that you can't leave an au pair in charge of a child 24/7 for ten days??? You just can't!!!

WhendoIgetadayoff · 16/12/2018 11:29

Also I wouldn’t have au pair living in, just coming round to help look after kids in holidays as arranged eg to take the 5yr olds out for afternoon or something

RoboticSealpup · 16/12/2018 11:30

SIL is totally nuts for even considering doing this.