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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
Milliy · 16/12/2018 13:10

Leaving her with you isn't even co-parenting. It is hard having others to stay over Christmas. In some ways your own children would miss out on your undivided attention as you will be trying your hardest to make sure niece and carer have a lovely time. It changes family dynamics having others in our homes no matter how it's done.

DistanceCall · 16/12/2018 13:15

I think you should have your niece over for the entire 10 days. She's your niece, FFS, and she's only 5. The au pair can manage on her own.

puddlesplashing · 16/12/2018 13:21

So is the SIL leaving any presents for her ? This is so sad.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/12/2018 13:23

I'd probably leave it to DH to handle, unless I felt the two of us could reach a common decision and present a united front to SiL. But I do think I'd be asking her what on earth DN's father thinks of it all and why he's not insisting she bring his daughter to visit him at Xmas. That's the real part of it that makes me think she's off on a jolly.

What do you think will happen if you and DH give an absolute 'no'? Will she cancel or go off and leave DN and Au Pair alone in her home for 10 days? Because if you think she'd go anyway, you and DH probably need to discuss what (if anything) you'll do in that situation.

Just out of curiosity, where are DH/SiL's parents in all this? If SiL were my daughter, I'd be having quite a lot to say about her leaving her DD at Xmas!!

tinstar · 16/12/2018 13:25

Distancecall - posters are trying to get the op to address the much bigger issue of her SIL's attitude to her dd. Having the niece stay just enables what is clearly very crap parenting.

I'm sure if the SIL was on an emergency dash to a sick relative the op wouldn't think twice about stepping in. But she's not. She's 'going to sort out some paperwork' which can apparently only be done over Xmas Hmm and means she can't take her dd with her HmmHmm

Milliy · 16/12/2018 13:28

DistanceCall seriously. This isn't the issue is it. The issue is the mother abandoning her child of 5 to go off in a jolly.

Holidayshopping · 16/12/2018 13:34

Your SIL sounds horrendous-don’t enable her selfish behaviour.

Dotty1970 · 16/12/2018 13:36

Why is everyone giving op a hard time! Can't believe some people.
This isn't op's responsibility to feel bad is the mothers!
I wouldn't want anyone else staying either for this long! It's just added strain for op.
Why doesn't this mother take the child and ou pair with her!
So making op feel bad she obviously loves her niece.

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 14:09

I do t think it will matter what you say. She is going to go. I absolutely understand why your DH is not prepared to facilitate this. He’s probably incredibly angry at her lack of emotion towards a 5 year old abandoned at Xmas.
As I said I think she will go anyway and leave the AP in charge (which is awful), question then becomes whether you as a family have DN because you are decent people and she is only tiny. I feel so sorry for your DN what a fucking selfish awful mother she has.
You aren’t being selfish by not wanting to host for 10 days, Xmas is such a special time for families and I’m sure it’s inconceivable to you that a mum would choose to leave their child. I think though you we’ll end up with DN because neither of you will leave her with an employee as her only company at Christmas.

What a bitch your sil is Shock

Zofloramummy · 16/12/2018 14:10

Will not we’ll

jacks11 · 16/12/2018 14:23

I think the OP is unfairly being made out to be the villain here. It is not unreasonable to not want an au pair and another child to look after for 10 days over christmas, especially when you have 2 small children. It can be exhausting having guests (particularly the au pair- essentially a stranger to OP) for prolonged periods and Christmas can be a busy time. It's fine to feel you could do it without a second thought- it's great that you would take it in your stride and not bat an eyelid or resent being put in that position by someone else's decision. But it's very understandable that other people may not feel the same and would not agree to do it.

The one being unreasonable is the child's mother, not OP. OP should not be emotionally guilt tripped into doing something like this- it is a huge imposition (the fact it is her niece does not mean it isn't an imposition) and not an emergency situation. Therefore, OP should not automatically have to agree to the request. Why on earth should she just roll over and do as SIL demands? Maybe if OP says "no", SIL will make alternative plans which do not mean leaving her young daughter over the christmas period.

It may not be the au pairs job to do 24/7 childcare but how is that OP's issue? It's a matter between the OP's SIL and the au pair, if au pair happy to do that (and presumably be compensated accordingly) then it is up to OPs SIL if she is happy with that. OP has agreed to have both for 3 days christmas eve to boxing day. Again, if the child's mother is not happy with that arrangement then it is up to her to rearrange her trip or look at more appropriate childcare options.

QwertyLou · 16/12/2018 14:24

OP, your SIL is wrong to put this on you with so little notice. She is BU! A stern talk is definitely in order.

Can she think of others who might be available to care for her DD?

Last year a friend’s child came to stay for a week (on 2 hours’ notice Shock DS (of similar age) loved it.

Does DD have any good friends whose moms wouldn’t mind an extra body?

(Disclaimer: i’m not in the UK and this might not be appropriate there)

pombal · 16/12/2018 14:31

If the au pair can help with child care for both 5 year olds, help around the house, it might not be too bad.

CottonSock · 16/12/2018 14:33

I can't imagine a circumstance other than death of a close relative that would make this request anywhere near reasonable. Or did I miss something and the family don't celebrate Christmas? I have a 5 year old myself and it would break her heart.
Do not enable this shit!

Fairenuff · 16/12/2018 14:43

I bet the au pair wants to go home for Christmas and your SIL wouldn't let her.

AmericanEskimoDoge · 16/12/2018 14:59

It's SIL who's to blame, here, and it's ridiculous to expect OP's family to sacrifice so much of their own family's enjoyment of the holiday without even a shrug.

They've already said that the niece will be with the family for Christmas (three days of it!); but they've also already experienced a longer stay and know how uncomfortable and stressful it was last time. Don't they deserve some relaxation, too?

Your compromise seems generous enough. SIL needs to sort out her priorities and stop expecting that you'll happily accommodate her entitled, selfish behavior.

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 15:16

Your SIL is a manipulative bitch because she knows you're weak, so she goes to you and not her brother and tries to 'kick off' with him. You know what, you need to let her kick off and still not enable her to swan off on jollies and then have the temerity to demand you do the childcare on her terms. There's no other way to stop it than to say NO and mean it firmly because her request is utter bullshit. And yes, it's sad for the little girl and she's using the au pair (and no, you definitely shouldn't host the au pair with an eye to taking advantage of her by forcing her to do further childcare for your kid, too) but all you can do is stop enabling her by using her.

So one of you needs to just message her and not engage with her face-to-face or on the phone and cut the compromises: 'NO. We will not provide childcare over the Christmas season. You need to take responsibility for your' child. If you just to swan off abroad and nto take your child, then you arrange childcare. This isn't up for further discussion. We are not here to assuage your conscience about continually abandoning your daughter by enabling you with childcare upon demand. Goodbye.'

And accept there will be consequences, but that they are worth it rather than continually being used to facilitate her.

SirVixofVixHall · 16/12/2018 16:02

Having a five year old cousin to stay when you have a five year old might actually make life easier, as they will play together, leaving you to get on with things when your baby is asleep. Having the au pair is harder, but she also might be a huge help. I would be delighted to have a small cousin to stay but i would find a total stranger harder. However if i had enough room, and the total stranger was going to help out some of the time with childcare, then maybe there would be benefits as well as negatives.
If you do say yes, then either agree that the au pair is going to help out some of the time , or that she gets to go home for the ten days and you just have small cousin.
I totally agree that leaving a five year old at Christmas is really crap.
But not welcoming a five year old relation at Christmas is also not very kind.

Wonderbag · 16/12/2018 16:13

Has the SIL sorted presents from Santa?

WilburforceRaven · 16/12/2018 16:38

But not welcoming a five year old relation at Christmas is also not very kind.

It's also not kind to your own child if they don't get along and it's certainly not kind of her mother to ditch her and demand the OP and her husband provide childcare for her, or to expect it from an au pair who was hired to only care for one child.

RoboticSealpup · 16/12/2018 18:21

An au pair is not even an employee, they only get pocket money and are only supposed to help with light housework, school drop-of and pick-up and babysitting. Not nannying 24 hours a day. Leaving your child alone with an au pair for ten days sounds like it warrants social services involvement.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 18:51

I don’t think she will leave DN with the au pair alone though I haven’t spoken to her yet to find out wat she has decided. I have told OH to have a chat and find out if this trip is really necessary.

Stufftheturkeysholewithholly · 16/12/2018 19:05

Your SIL in an entitled selfish bitch. I would be telling her in no uncertain terms that she needs to cancel her holiday or bring her own child with her. You cannot outsource parenting like this especially over christmas. What and who is more important than spending christmas with her own child? Baffling, the entire thing is baffling.

I would not call SS about it obviously but i would possibly mention SS to her in order to see if she would cop on to herself.

Poor kid.

Gitfeatures · 16/12/2018 19:08

I have told OH to have a chat and find out if this trip is really necessary.

What, in your mind, would necessitate a mother pre-planning a 10 day overseas trip over xmas, without her child and failing to secure appropriate childcare provision to boot?

You know it's not necessary - why are you dancing around this very evident point?

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 19:13

@Gitfeatures agree with you. The last time I questioned sil about sth it turned into an argument. I promised myself I would try to keep a distance in order to avoid conflict. Hence why I also told dh to sort out this request with her.

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