To say no to this request? Really need advice

[Mimibamz]

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

[TheMaddHugger]

@Mimibamz Wondering if we can have an update Please ((Hugs))🌻

[Cloglover]

OP, don't be hard on yourself for not wanting DN for such a long period of time. You've got a lot on your hands with your own children already - so it's not like you're going to be spending quality time with them - it's just going to be a lot of extra hard work.

[calpop]

Did she go? I hope she got caught up in the Gatwick closures if she did Horrible woman.

Is she from a culture that doesnt celebrate Christmas?

[MadameGerbil]

Not sure what age the au-pair is but if they are under 18 and without adult in loco parentis supervision by SIL, would that also be a case for SS? (not the OPs problem though).

[jetSTAR]

What happened OP?

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

No adult should feel pressured into doing something unreasonable to avoid another adult “kicking off”. That’s bullying and coercion, pure and simple. Does your husband’s sister often have such tantrums in order to get her own way?

I think she wins the prize for the most selfish mother on MN 2018.

[Butterflysprinkles]

How can a parent leave their child on christmas day 😢

[AWishForWingsThatWork]

She might be 'well looked after with mum', but emotionally? I doubt it if she's lying so she can go on a jolly and leave her 5 year old behind for Christmas.

For Christmas. A family holiday.

Poor kid.

[FuckingYuleLog]

Well if your dh says no he’ll be doing his niece a favour imo. She can spend Christmas in her own home with her mum.

[Mamadee15]

@FuckingYuleLog she is well looked after with mum. There’s no need for child services. Just think she wanted to go on a jolly and wanted us to look after dn while she was off but didn’t know how to say it was a jolly so made up the ‘paperwork’. In any case I don’t believe she will leave them. Ive left it to dh to discuss with sil.

[FuckingYuleLog]

Unless there is anyone else willing to take a child and au pair for 10 days over Christmas (unlikely) then the mum will have to take her child with her or stay home and delay the important paperwork. Surely there’s nothing that important. What would happen if she was taken I’ll? She’d have to delay.
The op or anyone else stepping in to take her child is just enabling her mums selfish parenting. Providing that the child is well looked after when the mum is with her then I think the op needs to stop letting her duck out of her responsibilities. If she isn’t otherwise well cared for then I’d be speaking to children’s services for advice.

[DistanceCall]

That's good, then.

[Mamadee15]

@Distancecall
I don’t believe she will abandon her. We / dh should have had a proper talk with her when she made the request because in his mind she was not being honest about her reasons for going tho he didn’t say this. This was our fault. He didn’t want to deal with her kicking off as has happened previously. Nonetheless I’ve told him to have the conversation so that we can do what’s best for dn.

[DistanceCall]

This isn't the issue is it. The issue is the mother abandoning her child of 5 to go off in a jolly.

That is the underlying issue, yes. But in the short term, there is the question of what to do with a little girl who is about to be dumped by her mother.

Of course the OP's husband needs to have a serious talk with his sister and things needs to change. But meanwhile, I think they should take his niece in, because it sounds like she has nowhere else to go.

[Mamadee15]

All your comments are very insightful and helpful. I will say this is not the first time sil had asked us to look after dn on short notice for reasons which we didn’t feel were important. We have helped out on those priors occasions though when we questioned it the first time it was a kick off (but we still did it). That’s part of why there was a hesitation this time. Like I also said I tend not to tell people what I want but rather ask and see if my want can be accommodated which I feel she didn’t do. I’ve also realised it’s not my place to question sil but to leave it off to hubby as I don’t want to say the wrong thing. Finally The comments that said they would do it without question are making me reflect on myself. Because I wouldnt do it on a whim unless it was an emergency. Self reflection going on here. Anyway DH will speak to SIL and they will sort it out I know

[Mummadeeze]

I wouldn’t be able to say no to having the niece (but would make it very clear that your SIL is not behaving like a good Mum). I would say no to the Au pair though - not your problem. Feel sorry for your niece.

[longestlurkerever]

I also don't get the attitude that pausing before hosting a niece for 19 days somehow makes the OP and ogre. I've never asked my dsis to take my DC for that long, nor her me, but if I did I think I'd realise it was a bit of an ask.

[longestlurkerever]

I sort of agree the Christmas angle has made everyone go a bit bonkers. It's not something I'd do in a million years because we celebrate Christmas and I've never been away from the DC longer than 2 nights but I am prepared to accept some people do things differently and Christmas isn't compulsory. Everything else is mad though. Who books 10 nights away before having a rock solid childcare plan?

[flumpybear]

Your SIL knows she's in the wrong and causes arguments to deflect this - don't fall for it! Tell your DH to tell her she's being a CF and seriously unreasonable to her poor little girl - what 5 year old gets left alone at Christmas

[Milliy]

Aunt and Uncle are not at fault here, at all. However you look at it it's an imposition to ask anyone else to take a child and au pair into there home over Christmas whilst the Mother goes on a jolly. This is all the Mothers fault, no one else's

[ChocolateCard]

This is mental.

Not a true story, surely?

[Yabbers]

Christmas really does funny things to people. If this thread was written in the summer holidays no one would be calling the OP unreasonable.

You genuinely can’t see the difference between a ten day trip in summer and one that takes in Christmas, LivingDeadGirl?

You can’t see that a mother leaving her child over Christmas isn’t something a relative should step in to do something about? I wouldn’t feel terribly sorry for the 5 year old if it were July but feel awful to think of a child being left just with an au pair for what is one of the most magical times of the year and having an aunt and uncle who think including her in that magic is something they will do as a compromise but only for a few days because apparently one extra child is just too much hassle for them.

[Augusta2012]

Depends, on a lot of countries she might well be risking coming back without her DD.

[tinstar]

Augusta2012 - if you were in the situation you've described, wouldn't you take your dd with you?

[tinstar]

OK, so your dh asks her if this trip to do admin and paperwork over Christmas is really necessary. She lies* says yes it is.

Then what?*

DH says, "why?"