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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 16/12/2018 12:20

The mother should be taking her child and au pair away with her, but she clearly isn't going away in business, probably having a holiday with a 'friend' where her own child isn't welcome. Where is the father in all this?
I'd be telling her that you think she's making a bad choice going away over Christmas without her child, but that you will more than welcome your niece and the au pair over Christmas whilst she's away. The au pair can help with all the children, your oldest child will have a playmate giving you more time with your baby, and your niece won't feel quite so abandoned.

MortyVicar · 16/12/2018 12:21

No one is saying the mother isn’t to blame but there is an opportunity to mitigate this bizarre and cruel decision which some people are saying they’d do and explaining why they couldn’t not do it.

The OP wouldn't be mitigating the decision, she'd be enabling it. The SiL has just assumed that she can do her own thing and the OP will sweep up the shittiness. Yes I feel incredibly sorry for the niece, but the SiL doesn't get to dictate to everyone else.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 12:25

@WilburforceRaven yes to assertiveness training I defo need it. Dh refrained from this because the few times he has voiced his opinion to her or questions her there is a kick off. I have also tried once before and it was a bit of a fight hence I decided to let dh deal with it. But all it’s not sitting right with me hence the post. I’ve told him to go have a proper talk. I

OliviaBenson · 16/12/2018 12:27

Sit down together with her op and be firm together. Are you scared of her?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 12:28

soontobe60 "but that you will more than welcome your niece and the au pair over Christmas whilst she's away."
But the OP has said she doesn't WANT to do that - at least not the au pair too. She has done it before and found it too much.

OliviaBenson · 16/12/2018 12:28

And if it kicks off so be it- this is all on her. She needs it laying out to her.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 12:30

Is she travelling to somewhere that could be dangerous for children?

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 16/12/2018 12:31

You also said upthread that there was of course more to all this than you've posted. Does any of that make a difference to your view?

Gitfeatures · 16/12/2018 12:37

Does SIL have full custody of your niece? What is the father's involvement?

This puts me in mind of those people who buy puppies from pet shops in the belief that they are 'rescuing' them, but in reality they are just enabling the cycle to continue. Saying no is horrendous when you think of the direct impact on that one individual, but you can't lose sight of the bigger picture.

The reality is that she is buggering off overseas without making provisions for her daughter. She will know full well that the au pair cannot be left in sole charge. Without your co-operation, the alternative is either cancelling her jolly, or emergency social care and the ensuing complications of SS involvement. She is counting on you following the script to enable her to avoid the fact that she is abandoning her child.

Has she always had such little regard for her own daughter? Why are you so afraid of her reaction?

LivingDeadGirlUK · 16/12/2018 12:38

Christmas really does funny things to people. If this thread was written in the summer holidays no one would be calling the OP unreasonable.

ohtheholidays · 16/12/2018 12:39

OP you haven't mentioned your OH's and SIL's parents in any of this,are they still around?if they are and they're on good terms with they're DD(your SIL)what do they think about all of this?

I can imagine if I'd tried doing something like this my parents would have thought I'd lost the plot and I wouldn't blame them?

I don't think enabling your SIL is going to be helpful to your Niece or your SIL's and nieces relationship,I think you both need to tell her No to any of her requests and she needs to cancel the flights and stay home with her young DD!

If she carried on pushing I'd honestly be looking into contacting SS,choosing to leave your only DC alone at Christmas is not normal and the fact that she thinks that her family should babysit not only her DC but also the au pair that's not normal behaviour and is she bollocks going over there for what she's told you,she's going for a holiday but in the real world when you have a young child you don't get to abandon them and go on a jolly and at Christmas of all times.

Pull on your big girl pants and stick by your OH and refuse to do what your SIL is demanding of you for even one day,she needs to grow up and look after her own child and put her first.

Zucker · 16/12/2018 12:42

Do you and your extended family actually celebrate Christmas OP? Will santa be coming for the children? Has the SIL organised this for her 5 year old?

Didiusfalco · 16/12/2018 12:44

You’re being too nice.

This is an outrageous request. You need to respond to it like an outrageous request.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 12:44

@OhDearGodLookAtThisMess not travelling somewhere dangerous no. The ‘more’ to this is that in the past I’ve tried to question her about certain things and it didn’t go down well but perhaps it my approach. Sigh. Last time dn stayed with us and sil went away she asked me not dh and dh felt he should have been asked so we agreed moving forward If she ever asked I would direct her to dh. I suggested the compromise of Xmas days as dh felt she was going on a jolly but because of the previous kickoffs he just thought that was the right thing to do. Hmm

Kikidelivers · 16/12/2018 12:46

Why did you change your user name OP?? Makes reading the thread a bugger.

If the SIL stays, will you invite over the Christmas?

One way of looking at this is that this little girl early has a very remote mother, who is prepared to do this, so from the little girl’s perspective - joining you and your family over Christmas may mean she actually gets a decent Christmas

Birdsgottafly · 16/12/2018 12:47

"If she carried on pushing I'd honestly be looking into contacting SS,choosing to leave your only DC alone at Christmas is not normal and the fact that she thinks that her family should babysit not only her DC but also the au pair that's not normal"

If SS will get involved in cases like this, it'll cause rumptions amongst the upper classes and the wealthy.

OP doesn't the child's Father ever want to see her over the Holidays? I think SIL is wrong and shouldn't be facilitated, but the child has two Parents and neither want her for Christmas, which is exceptionally sad.

themoomoo · 16/12/2018 12:54

If she carried on pushing I'd honestly be looking into contacting SS
slight over reaction

NotBeforeCoffee · 16/12/2018 12:54

I'd advise your SIL to start saving now for her daughters therapy, she'll need it in 10 years time. Save this thread as a starting point for the therapist

bevelino · 16/12/2018 12:55

I am unable to get past the mother leaving a 5 year old at Christmas. Also is the AP a paid employee? There appears to be way more to this story as most people would not be questioning having a 5 year old niece stay with them at Christmas if their mother was away, whatever the reason.

Milliy · 16/12/2018 13:02

OP sorry but your sister in law needs a reality check. You don't leave children alone without their Mum on Christmas Day. You just don't. I was left alone a lot and you grow up feeling unwanted. This is not about you it's about your SIL .

HeebieJeebies456 · 16/12/2018 13:02

The ‘more’ to this is that in the past I’ve tried to question her about certain things and it didn’t go down well but perhaps it my approach

It's not your - or any - 'approach' that's the problem which causes her 'blow out' reactions.....it's her sense of entitlement that she can do whatever she pleases and you all have to support her without question.
She doesn't want anybody to question her, she beleives she is above reproach.

It's pretty obvious that she's fucking off for 2 weeks of partying and catching up with her friends over there and having a childfree christmas.
The paperwork and mumbles about buying a ticket for her dc are just excuses - the father could have paid for dc ticket if it was ever an issue.
She's just a lying, selfish wanker who would rather leave her dc without either parent over christmas than allow the father to have her whilst she parties.

my OH says he believes she’s off on a jolly and isn’t prepared to enable her
He's right......you are enabling her if you give in to this 'request'.
You're a pushover OP, that's why she went to you first because she knows she can manipulate you into enabling her.
At least her brother can see right through her!

The more you keep giving in to her the more she will do this.
She has absolutely zero respect or consideration for you and your life - just expect you to jump and ask 'how high' whenever she issues her dictats.

Yabbers · 16/12/2018 13:04

coparenting as best they can because he lives overseas.

No they aren't. Co-Parenting as best they can would be bringing her daughter with her on this "vital" Christmas trip.

If it's just too hard for you to care for your niece for ten days then of course you should say so.

The girl deserves to be with someone who cares about her so presumably SIL will find someone else.

FuckingYuleLog · 16/12/2018 13:05

Yanbu imo. 10 days is a long time to host even for a family member ime let alone the au pair as well.
The mum needs to take her child with her (and the au pair if needed) and do something special on Christmas Day if she absolutely has to go away. They can make a holiday of it.

Yabbers · 16/12/2018 13:07

Hang on. Presumably this trip has been booked for a while, and I assume she is leaving in a day or two. Why has it taken so long to sort this out?

masterandmargarita · 16/12/2018 13:09

She sounds awful.

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