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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

OP posts:
EerieSilence · 16/12/2018 03:28

@BearFoxBear, are you seriously blaming the OP for not wanting to take care of another child and an au-pair during a very busy period which puts strain on the best of families?
What about the mother who fucks off to spend Christmas without her child? Unless it’s a matter of life and death, there’s no excuse. Don’t put any blame on the OP, it’s the SIL that behaves like a massive fucking twat.

civicxx · 16/12/2018 03:29

Don't see why everyone is making out OP is the potential bad one that doesn't care about her niece when her own mother is dumping her for 10 days over Christmas at the age of 5!!

Think your SIL needs to get her priorities in order.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 03:30

Thank you. I’m gaining better perspective from your responses and that’s y I came to ask. So.... though I don’t understand why or agree why SIL has to go away over Xmas i should think of my niece and do it for her.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:36

OP your sil is wrong to go away and leave her child over Christmas.

You are being expected to look after her and accommodate the au pair for 10 days and I don't think this is fair. In an emergency I would look after my nephews for however long it took. But your SIL doesn't necessarily need to go away for 10 days and over Christmas. She sounds very selfish and she has landed you in it.

I don't think the Au pair should be expected to look after the child for 10 days either, au pairs do light duties and child care not 24/7.

Can't quite understand he rude unpleasant responses you are getting either. Most of us don't expect to look after two extra people for ten days even if we are related to one of them.

"I guess in someways I don’t get why she has to go esp as it’s Christmas and I don’t think it’s that important to leave her. I don’t want to say this to SIL as I don’t want to cause more problems."

To be honest I would say it to her, or I would get your husband to talk to her as it is his sister. At the end of the day I would probably do it, because I care about my sisters' kids but I would be very pissed off about being expected to step in like this. You are not wrong to be pissed off but I do feel very sorry for the child.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 16/12/2018 03:37

I agree the mum is to blame, but you cane her looking for an excuse to say no hence the title and previous comments “To say no to this request? Really need advice”. I feel so sad for this child being so unloved :(

BearFoxBear · 16/12/2018 03:37

@EerieSilence Yes! It wouldn't even be a consideration for me tbh. Of course the SIL is being a complete bitch, but the problem has been framed not as "my poor niece, what a terrible mother she has", more like "ffs why should I have to get involved, I can't be arsed having people in my house." So yeah, I'm judging that. This is only one 5 year old and one adult we're talking about, hardly onerous.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:38

Can't quite believe how rude some people have been to you OP! Some people just like to judge.

SilverDoe · 16/12/2018 03:39

If they live really close by is there a reason the au pair has to be there 24/7? Could she not come round less often? This might be easier for you as it’s less awkward and would give the au pair some time to herself as well.

Your SIL has a lot to answer for.

kateandme · 16/12/2018 03:40

could you ask her if she could wait so she can spend chrismtas with her child! the poor thing who would do this.and why the need at this time of year.
I don't know what to suggest.id really want to help out my niece as it would feel right to leave her if she wasn't ok. but does she seem happy and settled and able to live loved usually when its just her and the au pair.only you know how their home situation is usually.this would make the decision clearer.or is this the first time mum ha left her so will need more support and loving.
and only you know how your managing and will manage at the moment.
sorry ive been no help.family is always hard when it comes to this stuff.
could you talk it through with her more.see if there is a different compromise.
why isn't she taking her?
where is her dad?

SilverDoe · 16/12/2018 03:40

No people don’t “like to judge”, people have literally explained why the post is so upsetting and it’s not the principle that she shouldn’t have to look after her niece. It’s very upsetting to read when you focus on the poor girl having no one who wants to look after her at Christmas.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:41

BearFoxBear looking after extra people especially for 10 days and especially at Christmas is onerous for some people. It's great you would not even have to think about having people in your home for 10 days but sometimes it is not easy. Especially as one of the kids is the same age as the niece. My kids are hard work, they can put up with house guests for a night or two and leave their beds for someone else. But longer than that and it would be hard. As I say, we would do it in an emergency if we had to, but I would not be happy to be put in this position. The SIL is taking the piss. But I do feel for the child.

EerieSilence · 16/12/2018 03:44

@BearFoxBear, pulling the “will noone think of the children” card is very dramatic and sentimental but it takes away attention from the fact that a mother is dumping her child on relatives for Christmas.
I would start with some pretty unpleasant discussion with the SIL on her parental responsibilities first. The OP shouldn’t be blamed for wanting to have nice Christmas without having to care for another child.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 03:44

@italiangreyhound thanks for the understanding. You put into words exactly how I feel and your response makes sense and makes sense. I will tell OH to talk to her about her reasoning behind going at this time particularly. I also get its kinda selfish of me to not want the responsibility but it’s how I feel 😕. I personally wouldn’t leave the kids over Xmas unless I had NO choice but I feel she does. I also try not to ask too much of people family or not as I know they have their own thing going. Hmmm. Whenever OH tries to question SIL it seems to turn into a fight but I guess it’s best to be honest and explain our perspective to her and find a happy medium

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:47

SilverDoe

Actually, I do people don’t “like to judge”. Very quick to assume the OP can accommodate two extra people for ten days. I know for a fact I would struggle to do that.

I am not sure that the OP she be the recipient of the feelings for people who find this so upsetting. I think it is upsetting the SIL is willing to do this at Christmas and leave her child for ten days. I think it is really cruel.

I cannot imagine doing this except in an extreme emergency.

I am not going to blame the OP for feeling that this has been put upon her.

"It’s very upsetting to read when you focus on the poor girl having no one who wants to look after her at Christmas." Of course it is upsetting but the person who should be addressing the upset is the one who has caused it.

Not sure where the dad is in all this. No one commented on the fact that the OP's husband is not keen to look after his niece.

Just people moaning at the OP because she doesn't want to do this. It just seems that people are very quick to want others to accommodate someone. I do feel for the child, this is very shit but it is not the fault of the OP.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:54

Mamadee15 good luck with this. It's very tough and I think also some people have different expectations of family and what people will do. Our family are not the kind who have people to stay for extended periods etc so it is very much outside my experience.

I just hope whatever happens you will all make the best of Christmas. I do also wonder if your SIL is a little 'not herself' (stressed whatever) to be even thinking of this. I just hope however it works out your niece will have a good time and be well cared for. If it does end up that she does come for the time, make the best of it, enjoy the fun bits and have a great time. I also feel for the au pair being away from home at Christmas. I hope it works it. Thanks

Tartyflette · 16/12/2018 03:54

Totally weird for your SIL to bugger off for 10 days over Christmas leaving her 5yr old. I would suspect she had a boyfriend she wanted to spend time or go on holiday with.
I'd suggest she gives the au pair a plane ticket so she can go to her home country and see her family for the holiday period while you have just your DN to stay with you.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:55

works out...

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 03:56

"I'd suggest she gives the au pair a plane ticket so she can go to her home country and see her family for the holiday period while you have just your DN to stay with you." That is a brilliant suggestion and might be easier.

floribunda18 · 16/12/2018 03:58

Yes, also why is the au pair not going home for Christmas? Surely she would be with her own family for the holidays, or at least some of the period.

Jent13c · 16/12/2018 04:00

If it were me I would ask SIL to send au pair home for Christmas and take niece in for 10 days. Alternatively au pair could stay at SILs house and come over and do childcare for a bit to help you out during the day but then I would worry about the poor girl being on her own unless she has made some friends here. I love my niece and wouldnt want her without close family on Christmas but I cant judge you because my SIL is an excellent mother who would certainly not be going away anywhere over Christmas without her kids unless it was life or death.
For what it's worth I can understand not wanting a stranger in your home for 10 days.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 04:00

@tartyflette it is very weird to be also that she would not plan her trip around a time when she can take my niece and when it’s not Christmas. She is separated from my nieces dad. He lives abroad. I struggle with expectations and what the right thing to do is because I would not ask this of someone else and when it’s asked of me I don’t know what to do. I think the adult thing to do is speak frankly with my SIL. I can not accommodate the au pair but will take my niece so long as she doesn’t stay too long. I think this is fair

SilverDoe · 16/12/2018 04:01

People aren’t being forthright with their opinions because they enjoy giving the OP a beating, it’s an emotive issue.

No one is saying the OP is being selfish, it’s more the attitude and not prioritising the DN’s feelings despite a really shitty situation for the DN.

No one is saying the mother isn’t to blame but there is an opportunity to mitigate this bizarre and cruel decision which some people are saying they’d do and explaining why they couldn’t not do it.

Also the OP said that the SIL was apparently going overseas to deal with her separation with her partner who lives overseas so I assume that’s where he is.

TBH I don’t think the OP is being unreasonable as such, but at the same time I just couldn’t let a 5 year old go through that and as that was what the OP asked, some people have responded in kind.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 04:02

And when I say too long I mean my sil. I’m happy for her to go away if she needs
To but my family needs are also
Important

SilverDoe · 16/12/2018 04:04

OP it’s a shitty situation all round and I hope you can convince your SIL to realise how selfish to everyone involved she is being. If her ex is overseas why can’t she take her DD to see her dad? It’s just shocking really.

Italiangreyhound · 16/12/2018 04:07

"TBH I don’t think the OP is being unreasonable as such, but at the same time I just couldn’t let a 5 year old go through that and as that was what the OP asked, some people have responded in kind." Yes, I see that and I do agree.