To say no to this request? Really need advice

[Mimibamz]

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

[Italiangreyhound]

I guess also depends where the dad is and whether taking the child would be sensible/custody disputes or whatever. It's an odd decision not to take child but there might be a reason, IYSWIM.

[Mamadee15]

@silverdoe thank you. It is very strange to me. Because my nieces dad lives where she is travelling to and so she could take her. She did comment that ticket prices were expensive. However, I believe she could reschedule for a time when tickets aren’t so expensive and it’s not Christmas. I was nervous to have a frank conversation with her because I didn’t want to make the situation worse. But it seems that’s the right thing to do.

[Whyarealltheusernamestaken]

I feel so bad for this child with no one wanting her long term 😢

[Jamiefraserskilt]

If your sister could wait until your eldest and her cousin are back in school and spend Christmas with her daughter, that would mean less stress. I seriously wonder why anyone would choose to miss an important holiday like Christmas to go away on business. Anyone else here think this is a joliday? After the rush is over, flights will be cheaper and lawyers offices open for the week as opposed to closing for a few days. All very odd
If the situation cannot be changed, an extra pair of hands around the house would be helpful in my mind. She could work for you like she works for your sister.
Leaving wee one over this time is not really what loving families do. Christmas is all about the anticipation and excitement at that age.

[Mamadee15]

@Jamiefraserskilt I agree with all you have said. I will speak to OH to have a better conversation with SIL. I do not think she has to go over this period but if she does then we should have a frank conversation and make a plan where DN is happy and it works out for us all. There is no custody issue with DN’s dad. He was just here for a visit. They have decided not to be together but are coparenting as best they can because he lives overseas.

[Italiangreyhound]

OP I think you are thinking of her niece but sometimes we need to get our own issues out in the open before we can see how others will be impacted. I know why you say you don't want to make it worse by talking to her but really it sounds like your own dh is leaving it all to you. He needs to step up and get involved, IMHO.

To be honest if she is getting divorced I can see why she may not want to take her child to the other country.

[Italiangreyhound]

Cross posted, sorry, even if no custody issues I can still see why she would perhaps choose not to take her child but the timing is the odd thing. Anyway, off to bed. Good luck.

[Mamadee15]

All noted. I guess we have to find a way of talking to her to find out why exactly she feels she has to go at this time. If she’s saying she has no choice then we have to respect that and do what’s best for DN. I do struggle to believe that leaving over this period is the only answer.

[Aquamarine1029]

Your SIL is a horrible mother. Full stop.

[Fannyfanakerpants]

It is way bayond the au pair's remit to look after a 5 year old full time for 10 days and if the agency found out then your sister would be in a lot of trouble. The poor au pair should also really be going home for Christmas. The poor girl will only be going herself. So really you need to have your nice, on her own for 10 days or pull up your big girl pants and tell your sil how unacceptable it is to leave a 5 year old at Christmas. Poor child. I can't imagine telling my 5 year old that anything was more important over Christmas.

[Mamadee15]

@Aquamarine1029 I wouldn’t say that. I just think she’s either not prioritising. I’m just not understanding why she’s choosing to go at this time. I’m still thinking of how to go about talking to her or getting Dh to talk to her frankly. If it don’t say anything she’ll think I don’t care but I’m trying to get dh to talk to her since she’s his sis. I may come off the wrong way. He simply doesn’t believe she has to go and thinks she’s going on a “joliday” as someone else put it so he doesn’t want to delve further into it.

[Mamadee15]

@Fannyfanakerpants yes to all you have said. Do you think it’s in my place to tell my sil that she shouldn’t be going away over Xmas. I just don’t want a blow up. I really do need to put my big girl pants up.

[Catren]

As other posters have said I think your sil is ridiculous for doing this and asking you to pick up the fall out. But thinking of your niece, I think it would be the right thing to do to take her the full 10 days. Won't your 5yo be happy to have a buddy to play with over that time? I'd be sad to leave her even if it is entirely sils fault

[treesup]

Wow,

Well for what it's worth I think your being lovely and quiet considerate.

I cannot for the life of me think of one reason I wouldn't be with my children on Christmas Day, SIL sounds selfish and heartless.

In your shoes I couldn't have the au pair stay, can't be assed with the uncomfortable small talk, pleasantries.

However I would love the chance to care for this 5 year old, to give some love and stability to her, esp at this time of year. She will easily fit into your routine.

[BigChocFrenzy]

She's not seeing lawyers or settling business over Christmas - they'll all be closed for the holidays

So she should cut out her Christmas jolly abroad and stay with her DD, then deal with her business
Even then, why leave her child ?

Even after the holidays, it's very inconvenient & awkward being lumbered with an unknown adult - do you even have 2 spare rooms for her and the child ?

So, if she is too mean to fork out for her child's flight, you could offer to take the child afterwards, but the au pair is her responsibility to deal with.

[Mamadee15]

@treesup @Catren thank you. I take on board what you are saying. I also don’t see myself leaving the kids over Xmas for any reason. I take on board that I should consider my nieces feelings and not my sil actions. I do feel I need to have a conversation with her though I tried to avoid it by having dh deal with the situation though I think it’s made it worse. How do you suggest I talk to her and what do I say without causing conflict.

[flumpybear]

Surely it's better for your SIL to travel with her DD and au pair then the child sees her dad (assuming here the bloke is her dad??) mum does what she needs to do and at oair can look after the child then when SIL isn't working she can see her own child and care for her
Unless she's just having a cheeky holiday without her child ... over Christmas

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Alfie
Dfod. Op doesn’t sound like a heartless waste of space.

What an odd situation. I definitely think your dh needs a proper conversation with your sil. How awful to leave your child at Christmas. The stbxh would also be responsible for this as he’s not choosing a different time to get divorced.

Are you sure she’s not going over to have a nice little reunion with her husband?

I’d also take your niece in and not the au pair. Either she goes home for Christmas to her family, which is normal, surely? Or if she doesn’t want to, you could perhaps have her on hand to come and play with the children for short spurts to give you a break.... or to take your niece out to give your 5 yo a break. That’s if she’s close by.

[Mayrhofen]

Yes to me thinking she's off on a holiday. One which her DD isn't invited to (new flame).

Yes to me saying the Au Pair should be home with her own family over Christmas.

Yes to me saying your SIL is taking the piss.

She needs to take her DD with her or go another time. It would be a big day no from me, not because I didn't over or care for my DN but because I wasn't prepared to enable the SIL to be a twat.

[Longdistance]

I personally think she’s off on a jolly, and is off to see either friends or another man.

Your sil is full of shit. She could take dd with her, and as you’ve said, she’s amicable with her ex, she can leave her dd with him. She certainly shouldn’t be spending Christmas without her dd. Her df can see her also.

[Longdistance]

Cross post with Mayrhofen

[Esspee]

I find it strange that anyone would choose to try to conduct business over the holiday period when most business places would be closed. Flights are way more expensive too.
If it was a case of a family member being seriously sick or something similar I would step in to help out but from what you've told us your husband (and you) need to sit your s i l down and remind her of her responsibilities.
It may well cause a family row but if you agree she will only make more demands in the future.

[Birdie6]

I don't get how your SIL could leave her child alone at Christmas, just to sort out some business . She sounds awful. I'd take the child and au pair - sounds like they both need some TLC.

[OutComeTheWolves]

I can't understand some of these responses at all op. Your sil is being unreasonable but you certainly aren't. Ten days is a long time to have your Ali's au pair stay with you. I think your compromise was more than reasonable.