To say no to this request? Really need advice

[Mimibamz]

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

[Flobalob]

I don't think that you should be blamed for this situation. The mother should be taking the child and au pair with her abroad. I cannot understand why she'd leave her child over Christmas.

If I was really pushed I'd take the child but not the au pair too. The mother should pay for the au pair to go home Christmas.

[ThePinkOcelot]

She’s pissing off to spend Christmas with someone and bollocks to her 5 year old! Going to lawyers etc over Christmas, what a load of crap. I don’t believe a word of it! Any decent mother would not do this!

[angieloumc]

Absolutely shocking behaviour from the SIL. I feel for the poor child and the au pair.

[Ohyesiam]

Op, you’ve been put in a difficult position.
Is your SIL usually a disengaged type of mother, or is there a different cultural emphasis around Christmas for her? Is she from a non Christian country for eg.

[onalongsabbatical]

She booked her flights and THEN asked you to have her child? Shows her priorities. This is about so much more, OP. Your niece is basically being emotionally neglected.
I’d be furious with her in your position. How dare she just assume you’ll pick up the slack of her abandoning her own child?

[BonBonVoyage]

Would you take your niece and have your sil buy tickets for the au pair to fly home for Christmas?

[longestlurkerever]

I think the comments about being alone in the run up to Christmas are a bit odd. Plenty of people have small families or a parent who works away and they don't miss out on the run up to Christmas. Assuming the au pair is a good one and they have a good relationship (and the au pair is getting paid adequately for the extra duties) I don't think the OP is being stony hearted to think her niece will be fine at home. Obviously leaving her without family at Christmas is horrible, but the OP hasn't suggested that. Agree all round that the mother buggering off is bizarre, unless she doesn't actually celebrate Christmas so doesn't see it as such a big deal?

[glamorousgrandmother]

No sil is going to a country where Xmas is celebrated.
In that case she is definitely going on holiday with a new man.

[ErictheGuineaPig]

I wouldn't want to facilitate my sil abandoning her child at Christmas either. What a load of bollocks from the initial posters who had a go at the op - why assume that her saying 'no' would mean the child is abandoned at Christmas? Surely it would mean the mum would have to change her plans and actually stay with her child, as she should do. That's what's best for the child, not the op magnanimously agreeing to have her over the Christmas period and therefore facilitating her mother's shit parenting.

[IfyouseeRitaMoreno]

I would take DN in, give them the best Christmas imaginable, then next year your SIL will reap what she sows when her DD is asking to be with her aunt again this Christmas.

Honestly I can't believe she'd leave her child over Christmas. Please give her a lovely Christmas. It sounds like she needs lots of love.

[MissyCooper]

I must admit I’m not familiar with au pair arrangements and how they work. But I think the suggestions of a lot of posters here sound a bit harsh!

“She should be taking the child and the au pair with her” - what if the au pair doesn’t want to go? Maybe she wants to see her own family?

“She could pop round and do some childcare” - great so she spends Christmas alone and gets to work at the OPs whim?

That poor girl needs to go home for Christmas, get some time off. The niece should be staying with her parent, failing which extended family.

Your SIL sounds either heartless and uncaring, or mentally unwell. Is she struggling with being a single parent?

[UnicornSlaughters]

Your sister is a disgrace.

Tell her you'll look after your neice as you don't want her to be without family over Christmas, on the condition that she pays for return plane tickets for the aupair to go home for Christmas. There is really no need for the aupair to be there too.

[MissyCooper]

I’m quite sure the au pair doesn’t want to stay at OPs house any more than the OP wants her to.

If she was my daughter I’d have her straight on a plane and I’d be trying to talk her out of going back tbh

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

From what I understood, au pairs are meant to work about 5 hours a day not be on duty 24 / 7. They arr also meant to be treated like family and included in all family meals and celebrations not left alone. So SIL probably has to make alternative arrangements

It's a massive ask so I don't blame you for feeling it's a bit too much. Lots of people on mumsnet don't like house guests so looking after 2 more at a busy time of year for 10 whole days probably would be exhausting to anyone!!

Is there anything you can do to compromise further - would your SIL change her flights to only go 6 or 7 days for example (would have been v cheeky to book first and ask after). Would either set of grandparents have them for a few days? You said you were exhausted last time and wanted back to normal routine so is there anything you could do differently to establish more of a routine this time?

[7yo7yo]

It’s not up to you to facilitate this.
Say no and let Sil sort it.

[Dairyqueen2]

Why are you and your partner pussyfooting around your SIL? What are you afraid is going to happen if you challenge her decision - which everyone thinks is appalling?

[PeaQiwiComHequo]

your SIL is being massively unreasonable to leave her DD over Christmas. however given that it is happening then an au pair cannot be left in sole charge of a child 24:7 for days at a time. an au pair is not a qualified caregiver and is more like an elder-sibling. can be trusted with babysitting for a few hours each day but needs time off and an adult being the actually responsible one.

I would be furious with the SIL. it is inconceivable to be this awful. but given that she is this awful then yes have the niece. if it would be better to just have the niece without the au pair send her home for Christmas.

[diddl]

People like Op's SIL really piss me off.

If you say no she'll still go & leave niece & au pair & then you'll feel obliged to step in anyway.

Where is au pair from-how come she's not due to go home for Christmas?

[jetSTAR]

I also do not understand why a mum would leave her child over Christmas. I’m guessing that there are lots of hidden issues here. I am wondering if there is any other family around to help out with having the little girl? Grandparents? Other siblings? Surely the au pair would have asked to go home to her own family for Christmas?

[Gazelda]

Does niece's Dad know his ex is visiting his home country but not bringing their DD? Surely someone could cobble the money together for a flight for the 5yo?
If the au pair is stranded in the uk with/without the 5yo, it would be kind to invite her for Christmas lunch.
Are there other relatives that can have the child to stay for a day or 2?
Having said all of that, the mother is manipulating everyone around her. And she is treating her daughter as an inconvenience to be passed on to others to take care of.

[Sindragosan]

This is ridiculous, has no-one heard of Skype, email and the telephone? I work for a big business and very little has to be conducted face to face, and certainly not over 10 days. Piss taking at its finest.

As for the rest of you, it must be nice to have the space, we don't physically have room for extra beds or mattresses, and 10 days sleeping on the sofa isn't really fair on anyone.
I do feel sorry for the 5 year old, but it's not fair on her or anyone else for 10 days - an overnight or couple of days, sure, but not the whole of the Christmas holidays.

[Darkbaptism]

I don’t understand how she could be going to the country the child’s father is in over Christmas and not taking her DD - surely he could look after her when she’s sorting out paperwork.

[Whocansay]

I don't understand why you're pussyfooting round this utter cow. She wants to have a jolly and is abandoning her own child at Christmas. She doesn't give a shit how this affects you and your DH. Have a row with her. Tell her 'no' and tell her that she is supposed to be a parent.

She CAN take her child with her. She can also ask the child's father to help. I assume he also has family? She just doesn't want to. Because she's a selfish bitch.

[Bluntness100]

I'm also quite shocked this little girl will have neither of her parents with her on Xmas morning. And I also would struggle to believe that it has to be over Xmas and for so long.

I'd take the child for the ten days, becayse au pairs tend to be unqualified and young, and I guess that's why she wants you to take them, but I think there is no real win here.

I feel sorry for the child, it's like no one wants her, and at Xmas too. How shit is that.

[ElsieMc]

Astonished at the early responses to the op. It is the SIL to blame not the op and it is not for her to facilitate her abandoning her dd at Christmas. Whilst I have every sympathy for her dd, attacking the op who has already facilitated this behaviour before and knows what hard work it is, is completely wrong.

I am sorry for you op being put in such a difficult position by this selfish woman. I would say you can't do it this year and see what she says but I see you are happy to help out over the three main days with her dd which would be nice, but again hard work for you. Good luck with this one and stand your ground. It is not your responsibility to sort out your SIL's mess.