To say no to this request? Really need advice

[Mimibamz]

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

[shouldwestayorshouldwego]

Many countries don't shut down on 25th or only shut for 25th not 26th. Assuming it is one of those countries I would say that your absolute limit is five days, send the au pair home and if she isn't back in five days then you will be contacting social services because the child needs a stable parent in her life, not just now but in the years to come. Short of a close relative being at death's door I can't think of a situation which would mean that I didn't want to spend Christmas with my 5yr old. Yes I understand that many parents HAVE to work over Christmas but not to want to be there isn't a good sign.

[N2986]

Jesus wept. I adore my nieces and nephews but would not relish the thought of extended babysitting over Christmas.

Poor kid though and the poor au pair, bet that's not what she signed up for.

If SIL insists on going anyway I'd take the DC as long as SIL paid for the au pair to go back to her own family for the duration

[AwkwardSquad]

This is a difficult one, OP, sympathies for being caught in the middle! I think italiangreyhound has given really good, thoughtful advice.

For what it’s worth, I’ve been an au pair and the idea of leaving her to look after the little girl for 10 days is totally inappropriate and exploitative. I was put in a similar situation, though not quite so bad, and it’s really off. Au pairs aren’t trained or paid for that.

Your SIL is taking the absolute piss.

[Urbanbeetler]

I wonder why the dad isn’t insisting that he sees his daughter over Christmas if residency isn’t an issue? Perhaps he could scrape together the fare.

[CantWaitToRetire]

Hi OP, if the SIL lives close I would be having a face to face rather that’s trying to discusss this over the phone. Go to a public place so that it’s harder for her to kick off. Tell her you are considering the request but need to understand some facts first, ie

• why did she book her travel before sorting out requirements for her daughter
  
• could this ‘business’ be conducted at another time after Christmas
  
• is it not possible to take er DD to see her father
  
• why is it taking 10 days, could the trip be shortened
  

I find it hard to believe this is a business trip. As others have said, unless this is a non Christian country she’s travelling to, most businesses will be shutting down over the festive period.

As a compromise, I would personally offer to take in the DN but insist that SIL pays to send the au pair home for the 10 day period. I’m assuming there’s no other sibling, or maybe PIL who would put up the au pair and use a little help from her?

Don’t be afraid of asking your SIL questions. She’s being a CF and not considering you at all so keep that in mind.

[AwkwardSquad]

Just a quick comment to people suggesting that the au pair be sent off to various relatives - I realise that people are wanting to help, but au pairs sign up to stay with a host family, not random relatives of said family. They’re not parcels to be packed off for the convenience of the host. Imagine what that would be like for the poor kid.

[AndThereSaw]

An au pair is a young person (usually student age) whom you host in your home as part of your family ad in exchange they help out around the house and with childcare. They are not a paid nanny nor a servant.
Neither the daughter nor the au pair should be left alone at Christmas.
Your SIL needs to pay the au pair's flights home to his/her own family if they are not welcome at the family festivities (of which there are none as she's buggering off).
Daughter should be going with her Mum to see her Dad. If this doesn't work for whatever reason then either your SIL doesn't go or you agree to host DN only who can muddle along with your brood.
Your offer will not work OP because an au pair can't take sole responsibility for a child; they are neither qualified nor competent to do so and it's just too much to ask of the au pair..

[Mayra1367]

Think posters are being very unreasonable blaming the OP . I wouldn’t want a stranger, the au pair, with me for 10 days either.
Say NO and let the sil take them with her .

[Pywife2]

"She's 5. And you think it's fine for her to be on her own with the au pair for 7 days, while you take her in for 3 days over Christmas? "

No, her mother does. Her mother thinks it's fine to leave the child over Xmas, but foist her moral responsibility onto other family members.

[JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth]

Your SIL has issues. She leaves her child behind at Xmas and she has a temper tantrum when you dare to question her on this. You're left having to plan how to carefully approach her about it because you might fall out. And she thinks it's ok to leave and relocate the au pair at Xmas. And didn't tell you before booking flights. I agree with your dh. The answer is no. She takes her child or doesn't go.

[Belleende]

I love my sisters and my nieces. If there was an emergency I would have them over Christmas no problem, but it would need to be an emergency of epic proportions for my sisters to choose not to be with their kids at Christmas.

At the very least you need to know why she is disappearing so you can help your niece understand why her mum is not around at Christmas.

If I suspected she was off on a jolly, I would not be making it easier for her. I would be having the difficult conversation with her, no matter how awkward. What is she doing exactly? Why does it have to be at Christmas? Why can't niece go with her? If she is taking the piss, she will do it again, people like this always do. If she is determined to go, then of course you have your niece, but you need to not make it easy for her, and you need to make it crystal clear that in the future, any such arrangements must be agreed in advance.

[sackrifice]

I think I will have a word with SIL

The only word should be 'no'.

The aupair is not there to be a parent for 10 days.

The SIL is obviously not off to sort out 'business' during a two week close down.

The SIL is obviously not going to the same country as the niece's dad, otherwise she would want them to see each other.

[glamorousgrandmother]

I'm another one who thinks sil is going to a non-Christian country which does not close everything at Christmas. I think the family, certainly sil, don't think Christmas is as big a deal as some of us do hence leaving her dd at this time. This is the only way I can explain her actions. The au pair should definitely be given the opportunity to go home.

[OhDearGodLookAtThisMess]

I think there are some posters here (including the OP) who are being extremely naive.

This sil has got this sorted and the bottom line is that she is going, regardless. You can tiptoe around her and "gently suggest" all you like, but she WILL win this.

It ought to be the case that if she kicks off and is rude, she blows her chances of you helping out at all. But you sound too nice/scared of her for that to be the case. You will go along with whatever she wants because the alternative is too traumatic.

She is bang out of line, and I would venture to suggest that if she is prepared to do this (and no way is this about sorting out personal business affairs), then it could just be the tip of the iceberg as to how her dd (and the au pair) is treated in life generally.

You are going to be lumbered with this, know that. Sil has decided it. If you say you'll "just" do 3 days, she'll be on that plane before you can say "passports please" and there's not a thing you'll be able to do about it apart from host the both of them for the entire holiday.

[Mamadee15]

No sil is going to a country where Xmas is celebrated. Most places will be shut over Xmas. I didn’t want to get involved so told OH to talk to her but seeing as we don’t have a resolution I think I should say something and try to rectify it?

[Flowerpot2005]

OP you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Your SIL could/should take them with her. I strongly suspect she's going on holiday 'with someone' tbh. Nobody needs to abandon their child over Christmas to arrange papers for a separation.

[strawberrypenguin]

I think I'd consider taking niece but not au pair. Couldn't SIL pay for au pair to go home for Xmas.

SIL is at fault here - who arranges to be away at Xmas leaving a 5yo if they don't have to be. 10 days is a long time as well.

[PurpleFlower1983]

Your SIL is a dick!

[Swipetounlock]

I agree - SIL is lying about her plans. Flights crossing over Christmas are also way more expensive than at other times. Nobody goes away for ten days just for a meeting with a lawyer. If it was true she would go for 2 or maximum 3 nights, take her daughter and give the aupair the days off.

[daisychain01]

The OP isn't to blame. Why on earth is the SIL leaving a 5 year old child behind at Christmas?

^ this.

The mother of this 5 yo child decides to disappear off over Christmas and everyone is lambasting the OP?? Um I don't think the responsibility lies with the OP!!

[roundaboutthetown]

No way would I enable a sil to upset her child by dumping her with relatives at Christmas unless sil had an exceptionally good reason which she had had the courtesy to explain to me. It is a ludicrous time to go away "on business."

[daisychain01]

The SIL is buggering off with their latest squeeze, more like.

[daisychain01]

OP you'd be opening up a world of problems unless you clamp down on this. It.isnt.your.problem.

Just say no sorry no can do. End of.

What happens on Christmas Day when your DN cries because she wants her mother? You shouldn't enable that woman's appalling behaviour by going along with her vile plan.

[Myimaginarycathasfleas]

IF, and only if, it’s an emergency I’d say yes to having DN to stay, but not the au pair. Your DSIL should pay to send the au pair home to her own family, which is probably where she’d rather be.

However I find it unlikely DSIL will get much business done over the Christmas period. She’s having a holiday and taking the piss. In these circumstances it would be a firm no, and she would just have to cancel and stay with her DD.

Do include DN in your Christmas festivities though. Otherwise it sounds like it could be a shit Christmas for her, poor little thing,