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AIBU?

To say no to this request? Really need advice

314 replies

Mimibamz · 16/12/2018 02:56

Hi all please I need your advice. So... my SIL wants my OH and I to have her daughter (5) and live in au pair stay at our house while she goes away overseas for about 10days to get some things sorted over the Xmas period. Now I understand she wants us to look after them and watch over my niece. OH was against the idea of them coming to stay here at all as they live close and we can pop in daily to check on them and they can come visit and we can go over. I suggested they can stay over for Xmas eve, Xmas and Boxing Day as a compromise and we can ensure we check on them as much as possible. SIL didn’t like this suggestion and wants them to stay here the whole 10 days. Thing is I have 2 kids of my own 5 years and 8 months and I truly don’t really want them to stay over the whole 10days. I like my space and am still navigating life with 2 kids. We have helped out like this once before in the past when she was away and let her au pair and my niece stay but were exhausted afterwards and wanted our house/routine back! . What do you think? Should we have just said yes since it’s family? I want to help but I also want to be able to have my space and house on my own terms.

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Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 05:51

Yes @mayrhofen @longdistance my OH says he believes she’s off on a jolly and isn’t prepared to enable her. Sil was not happy with the conversation they had. My question is how to move forward. Do I offer to let dn stay but not the au pair or just leave it at what my husband has said. Haven’t spoken to sil since my husband spoke to her. I don’t want to have a different stance to dh but I also want to do what’s right

HappyEverIftar · 16/12/2018 06:03

If your DH is in agreement with you and it sounds like he is, I'd let him handle it and try to keep out of it. If she won't budge and it means this poor little girl will be left alone, albeit with a stranger, I don't think I'd have any other option (and I would want to) welcome them in for the Christmas period. With a stern talking to the SIL; I would make my feelings very clear.

I don't see why your SIL gets to dictate the terms of this arrangement - what you should or shouldn't do. Unbelievable! She must have form for this type of behaviour. It's just so.... odd.

Esspee · 16/12/2018 06:04

Don't offer anything. Your husband has expressed disapproval and if you give in she will have got what she wanted. You need to present a united front.

Pinkprincess1978 · 16/12/2018 06:06

This would be a bit of an imposition at the best of times but to have a young child over at Xmas is really laying it on you.

I don't understand why she is choosing to go away and leave her dd at Christmas but even more so, given she is going to the same country as the child's father why isn't she giving him the opportunity to spend Christmas with his dd? I get flights are expensive but can't she ask him to pay or contribute half?

If you do have her (which I would) how is she handling presents? Is she giving them all to you? Will she not see her daughter open anything? Also, is there a similarity between what you get for your kids and what she buys for hers? What about Santa traditions? You could end up spoiling Christmas for either your child or hers if Santa behaves differently in your house that in dns house.

I also think the au pair should be allowed to go home for the holidays. Even if she can't afford to pay for her tickets the girls parents might want to.

Esspee · 16/12/2018 06:08

I would be tempted to suggest you will contact social services if she chooses to abandon her child. She needs a good shake up.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 16/12/2018 06:10

Are we talking a situation like a Muslim family/country which is why Christmas does not seem to be a massive issue?

tinstar · 16/12/2018 06:13

Can't you just say to your SIL that you want to talk to her about her Xmas plans. Start by saying that you and DH are really struggling with the idea that she'd choose to not be with her dd.
Stress it's not because you don't want to be inconvenienced but because you're both really worried that dn won't be with either parent and may feel upset/rejected.
Say you just want to understand why she can't:

go the day after Boxing Day
take her dd
let her ex have his dd over Xmas

If she kicks off just keep calm and keep saying if she wants your help she needs to be honest and explain what is going on. If she doesn't calm down just say you won't agree to anything until she can explain things to you calmly and rationally. Then leave / say you're hanging up.

Is she generally very detached from her dd?

Lauren83 · 16/12/2018 06:18

I don't get the rude responses either, I would be happy to do in an emergency or for a shorter period of time but I think both of them for 10 days is a huge ask

Strawberry2017 · 16/12/2018 06:20

It doesn't take 10 days to sort paper work especially when things quite down over xmas, she's clearly going on a holiday which is awful for her DD, I get that everyone needs a break but you don't willingly leave your child over xmas!

Ethel36 · 16/12/2018 06:31

It's not up to your SIL, it's up to you and your husband. 10 days is too much with a stanger and 5 year old. I think you've done the right thing. Offered three days and promised to check up on them. Your SIL chose to go away during a busy festive season. It seems strange to me that she did not wait until after Christmas unless she's socialising with friends while she is there.

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 06:40

At 5 Christmas is huge
I feel so sad for your DN.

I also think your husband is right - she’s off on a jolly.
If it was actually functional she’d got for 4 days post Christmas.
I have no clue what mother would do this to a 5 year old at Christmas

I also think you are in a very tricky situation.
Your compromise Isn’t a bad suggestion but I’d combine it with tinstars advice.

Also she’s booked a flight 2-3 weeks before Christmas of course it’s expensive
How is she generally? As this sounds a bit self absorbed

trojanpony · 16/12/2018 06:41

It just occurred to me that she went and booked the flight then asked you after the event which is a bit

FairyBunnyAgain · 16/12/2018 06:42

You let SIL make her own plans which includes looking after her own DD, you don’t enable her to step away from family life for a holiday. If she cares so little about her DD then maybe social services will take her in. An au pair is not an alternative solution and neither should you be.
No good parent would walk away from their 5 year old over Christmas, something is not right here.

pinguwings · 16/12/2018 06:48

An au pair can NOT be left in sole charge for 10 days. This is illegal.
Your SIL needs a nanny.

Notatallobvious · 16/12/2018 06:48

I think you're right to wonder why your SIL needs to go over Christmas, especially since it's to supposedly sort out legal business, as offices may be closed over the festive period. I think she may be off on a jolly! Whether you are BU about having the au pair stay is a different matter, I think it depends on how mature/capable the au pair is. I'm sure some are very immature and just help out playing with the children/doing household tasks whilst the parents are around, others may be mature enough to hold the fort, we don't know which camp she falls into. I can totally understand why you wouldn't want two house guests for ten days though, I think PPs are being a bit harsh with their comments. It sounds like, you are being perfectly reasonable agreeing to have them stay for 3 days and checking in the rest of the time, presuming the au pair isn't a hapless 16 year old who's scared of the dark.

rootsandbranches · 16/12/2018 06:50

I think you're getting a hard time. If it was me I'd say I'd have ( and would very much want to have) my niece the whole time. I'd invite au pair certainly Christmas Day and probably eve and Boxing Day too. I wouldn't see my responsibility to her more than that.

hopefulmama36 · 16/12/2018 06:58

Seriously we're two pages in and the OP is already being flamed for not loving her DN. I'm an auntie to 5 nieces and nephews. I think the world of them all but would not want to look after any of them for 10 days whilst my SIL was away. Neither would my DH their Uncle and he loves them too. You can say you don't want to do something a person and still love that person. Love isn't doing everything for everybody. The OP doesn't not love her niece just because she isn't overjoyed with the idea.

The person whose being unreasonable here is your SIL, especially going over Christmas. Why can't she take your niece with her. Having said that if was you and my SIL did do it then I would have her to stay. Simply because I wouldn't want her to be on her own for so long without family. I'd certainly telling my SIL in no uncertain terms what I thought of her idea.

Notatallobvious · 16/12/2018 06:59

One more thing, why are you and your DH so afraid of rocking the boat with your SIL by disagreeing with her plans? If you don't put your foot down she will walk all over you, she needs to be told she is being unreasonable to A. Leave her DD over Xmas, and B. Expect you to take two house guests in. If it upsets her, tough!

MyOtherProfile · 16/12/2018 07:01

I can't get past the SIL flying off to where the dad is and them being in the same place for Christmas while their child is left behind in another country.

OP you're very kind to offer to have them both for a couple of nights. It would still make Christmas special for the child and her still presumably very young au pair which is more than the poor child's mum is offering

CaptainsYuleLog · 16/12/2018 07:07

Don't encourage her dreadful parenting. Say no not at all.

floribunda18 · 16/12/2018 07:08

I can't get past the SIL flying off to where the dad is and them being in the same place for Christmas while their child is left behind in another country.

Me neither!

MiniCooperLover · 16/12/2018 07:10

Is there any risk to your niece if your SIL took her with her, any likelihood the dad would grab her? That's the only reason I could imagine the SIL leaving her behind. But going for 10 days and I assume being away actual Xmas day sounds like she's off on a holiday to me ..\

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OliviaStabler · 16/12/2018 07:10

What would happen if you said no? Would your SIL still go?

SilverLining10 · 16/12/2018 07:10

Typical shitty responses about op being the bad one. What about her own mother who is leaving her??
Dont feel bad op. I wouldnt agree to this as well. If your family wasnt around then her mother wouldnt be doing this. Shes just relying on guilting you all.
Theres no way I would do this with having two DC of my own anyway, it's just too hectic.

Mamadee15 · 16/12/2018 07:12

I think I will have a word with SIL. Hubby feels it will just lead to a blow out because we have had a few blow outs before. So he didn’t tell her what he was really thinking and neither did I. I will have to look for a diplomatic way to discuss this with her. We would have been consulted before she booked her flight in order to find the best solution not after the fact. I still say she doesn’t need to go over xmas and could go at a different time for a shorter period.

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