To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

God, that sounds awful! YANBU!

Yes it is a bit silly. I helped out at the school disco every year for about 10 years and on the last time I checked my phone and got told to put it away by a PSFA woman. That's the last time I helped.

I agree about the phones!!

Oh no!! I think you've found the worst baby groups. The ones I go to are lovely. Don't let it put you off, there must be a nice one where you are

I have my phone put all the time taking pictures! I'd be really annoyed if I couldn't!

The phones thing is probably because people were ignoring their children and the children were causing havoc.

Are these sure start centres?

The first example would’ve pissed me off too tbh. I hate forced participation.

The second example I’m split about. A lot of groups and places where there’s a lot of children present ask that phones aren’t used as a safeguarding procedure considering all phones now have cameras. However, the lecture on interacting with them and growing and playing would’ve given me the rage.

I think baby and toddler groups have two place and they can be a real lifeline. I do think though that you have to find the right fit for you. When DD1 was small, we went to a group run by the little old church ladies and it was brilliant because it was relaxed and supportive (no singing unless you wanted to!). I loved that group and it saved my sanity. I looked forward to going every week. Since having DD2 I’ve tried some new ones and have absolutely hated them!

Those do sound awful! I used to hate how a lot of the ones here had two-time snack systems 'healthy stuff for the kids and then chcolate biscuits, cake etc for the adults. Either make it all healthy or not at all, if adults aren't happy with a few dry crackers and squidgy browned grapes then why should the kids be? They're not second class citizens.

We used to go to an amazing one. Then for some reason the woman who ran it just suddenly started going crazy. Shouting at ours kids, telling us off for talking, no eating, no unauthorised drinking, one adult per child only, no mobile phones, no first aid when a child fell over.
Anyway it all came to a head and a huge carry on and she got sacked. Too late by then though and I didn’t go back!

The rest have been lovely but it’s the whole telling me how to raise my kids etc. Would get my back right up!

I admittedly I tried a sure start centre one second time round and really, really disliked it. They made me feel like I was having an appointment with a very judgy HV every week.

I hate going to groups where mums have their phones out all of the time. I make a big effort not to have my phone out when out and about and around my children (do when BF at home though). Even mums taking pictures constantly is irritating. Sire take a few then put it away, some mums are snapping constantly and simultaneously uploading to facebook. Live in the moment and enjoy your kids

From the other side: I co-run a weekly toddler group. There are a handful of parents and carers who walk through the door at the start of every session, sit themselves down, take out their phones then ignore their children for the next 2 hours! We don’t have signs up (we’re not surestart or council, but church-based and run by volunteers) but it does make me sigh a bit (and if I was paying someone who did that to look after my child I’d be really pissed off!)

Also with the singing it is distracting to have carers and children who aren’t joining in, but chatting and letting their children run around. The singing is only for the last ten minutes of the session and people are free to leave before then if Wind the Bobbin isn’t their jam! But again, I wouldn’t tell anyone off, just sigh inwardly.

Well I do think it’s rude to sit chatting while someone is doing a sing-song with the children. So I don’t think the woman WBU to ask you to be quiet. And I also agree with the phone thing tbh. I don’t think anyone would question you whipping it for a quick photo.

And I also think eating a Mars Bar at toddler group is slightly unnecessary, especially if the children are eating carrot sticks and raisins.

But yeah if you don’t like these groups and their rules, just find another one. I’m sure you’ll find one where you can sit chatting with a friend, stuffing a Mars Bar down whilst staring at your phone while the group leaders try and put on something interesting for your dc

All the things you mentioned would really hack me off!

Are these groups run by volunteers? if so, I am sure they are only doing their best to run groups for the little ones in their own spare time. Maybe the way things are worded isn't perfect. But in my view it's a respect thing - I kind of agree with both points really - you could have chatted after the group was over in a cafe or at home and the phone thing is reasonable too - so many parents seem to spend all their time on their phone so they probably just banned them so it's the same rule for everyone.

Nothing wrong with an active person eating a mars bar!! After all, mars has been a sponsor of the London Marathon before now

I run, so would eat it...it's my business

Are these sure start centres?

That was my first thought too. I found the best groups are those run by other mums, I just felt like I was constantly being observed at SS groups.

if I was paying someone who did that to look after my child I’d be really pissed off!

I'm sure there are some decent ones about but when I went to baby/toddler groups the least engaged adults were, by far, the childminders. They would turn up, sit in a corner en masse and then chat amongst themselves until the end, moaning if any of their charges needed attention. One of them publicly shamed a 3yo for having a wee accident too, making him stand in front of the child minder herd while she berated him and threatened to leave him in damp clothes for the rest of the day as it was "his fault" for not going when his child minder had told him to. I don't know if the parents would want to use them if they knew how lazy and uncaring they were/are (my kids are a bit older now but I still see them in local parks occasionally, again just sitting and ignoring the kids then moaning if they have to do anything).

Again, I know not all childminders are lile this! But it was pretty eyeopening.

agree phones shouldnt be used,the children are not being watched when your on your phone

I helped out at the school disco every year for about 10 years and on the last time I checked my phone and got told to put it away by a PSFA woman

In school, staff/volunteers are not allowed to have phones out around children. It's a standard safeguarding policy.

I totally agree about the childminders - I’m a nanny and have also been a childminder. I’m up playing, if I do sit down or check my phone it’s literally next to the child while they play with the toy kitchen or whatever and only to answer a text from mums or dads or maybe finalise a play date. Childminders tended to sit in the furthest corner, their kids would often have horribly snotty noses and be beating up other children with no intervention from their adult. Really made me sad, especially when I saw one kid pinning another down and honestly battering his head with a metal toy train. Not all childminders are like this obviously but the ones I’ve seen were shockingly lazy and really upset me. The kids looked so sad.

I’d have left sharpish for being told to shush. And this “watch your kids not your phone” nonsense is just another way to bash mums.

Find another, less judgemental group.

'Bash mums'?? How ridiculous!!

Watch your kid!

Yes. I think there is definitely something within your thread about women feeling that it's ok to tell another woman how to behave and using group shaming tactics. It is very annoying, very school yard and preys on women's innate fear of group rejection. If it was men I cannot see that happening. I think I'd take the view of deciding whether or not the group with all its rules and regulations was practically working for me and the DC.......so for example, if I was genuinely waiting on an urgent call from a GP or something but there's a blanket mobile ban, I wouldn't go. I can see where the people who are running the group are sort of coming from too though.....if you imagine mums en masse gawping at phones whilst noshing a mars bar and not singing along.......its kind of not the sort of positive atmosphere that they're trying to create for the little ones. I get both sides of this OP.