To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

Which means, yes, stay with me here, some other fucker will have to do it for you. Geddit

Tone down the patronising, you're being extremely rude.

Which 'other fucker' is looking after my child? Did I say at any point that someone else is looking after my child at these play groups? No I didn't you made that up for some reason.

FWIW I didn't say I'm 'always on my phone' so not sure why some posters are making the bizarre assumption that I am. It's the general tone of the poster that annoyed me - if it had mentioned safeguarding then fair enough but it was the tone of "you should be watching your children play and grow" that got my back up.

If a playgroup has a sing along at the end, it is nice if everyone joins in. It is distracting when people are talking in the corner, much more distracting than you realise.

The point of groups like this is to interact with other people who are actually there, and phones interfere with this. If you need to make a call or check your phone briefly, that should be fine, of course, but lots of people are absurdly addicted to their phones, and don't even realise that they are ignoring their kids.

It is the judgemental, patronising tone that is the problem here, but that tone comes about for a reason. My guess is that if people always joined in with the singing except for on the rare occasions that they are having a personal crisis, and if people never looked at their phones except for when they really needed to, the group would not have rules like these.

You probably haven't ever been to a baby and toddler group, Susan, but there are usually separate areas, or times for babies and toddlers to come for that reason.

kungfupannda - your right there was a ban at our as well with phones not just mother's but staff too I think it was concerns around pictures being taken.

Staff were always happy about it either as some with children got very delayed messages about their children being ill as reception had to pass them on which wasn’t always done in timely fashion.

My guess is that if people always joined in with the singing except for on the rare occasions that they are having a personal crisis, and if people never looked at their phones except for when they really needed to, the group would not have rules like these.

And my experience is that some people like to behave like little Hitlers in as many spheres as possible in their lives and enjoy telling people (especially younger women) off in the most patronising way possible. They wouldn't dare talk to a man in the same way, in many cases.

YABU

Couldn't you have breastfed and respected that others were joining in the singing? Talking to someone else at the time was rude.

Stabbing and scrolling on a phone for whatever reason shows you weren't engaged in the group.

I wasn't a fan of baby groups per se; the odd one was all right. But I have seen women like you, who only go to chat to one friend and freeze out anyone else, and are sniffy about the poor sods trying to organise things and dismissive of the twerps doing Wheels on the Bus etc ("Oh, no, it's not for meeeeee" tinkly laugh).

I to think it is rude to chat whilst the group singalong is happening. Breastfeeding fine, not joining in, fine, but chatting to your mate (irrespective of the topic) is rude.

And it is a sorry state of affairs when playgroups have to put up signs banning mobile phones but presumably it is because there have been problems.

Perhaps meeting your friends at a soft play centre would be a better arrangement for you?

I wonder if the same rules apply to the dad's groups Sure Start run?

How will they learn if you are too busy chatting, playing on your phone and drinking your tea? Look after your own child, he's no one else's responsibility

So you think I should go to these things, ignore my friends, not have a drink but just hover constantly round my 2yo (who absolutely does have social skills) watching his every move?

Where does it end? Is blinking allowed?

They wouldn't dare talk to a man in the same way, in many cases.

I do know what you mean but TB fair that surestart did a Dad's group once a month at weekend- as DH had enjoyed a weekly weekend one in another location run by the Dad's themsleves gave it a go a few times and refused to go back as they were so patronising to him.

Shearwater the only group I ever went to where there were separate baby and toddler groups, was the Surestart group in our town, it was a shame as it meant I and lots of other mums in a similar boat, couldn't go. They stopped running the group not ling aftet because of poor uptake. I think this was one of the reasons why.

Every other baby/toddler stay and play group I have ever been to or helped out in (a lot!) has had babies and toddlers together

Also @IamSusan as stated in my OP I don't just go for him, it's for me too, should I not be allowed to enjoy myself - or do good mummies just martyr themselves?

And again, who do you think is looking after my child other than me? Why would you assume this?

Just wondering, are signs saying “Please supervise your children” considered patronising or “little Hitler-ish”?

that surestart = our surestart.

The Dad's group did get bacon sandwiches and coffee in same room as kids - but phones were still a no as were chairs.

You probably haven't ever been to a baby and toddler group, Susan, but there are usually separate areas, or times for babies and toddlers to come for that reason.

you probably haven't been to every baby and toddler group in the country sheerwater, because my local ones don't have separate times to allow parents with several age groups children to attend, and don't even have separate areas to allow them to keep an eye on both!
shocking idea, I know, but some parents have a baby and a toddler to look after.

And my experience is that some people like to behave like little Hitlers in as many spheres as possible in their lives and enjoy telling people (especially younger women) off in the most patronising way possible. They wouldn't dare talk to a man in the same way, in many cases.

I completely agree (although sadly I'm not young). The women who attended aren't a bunch of airheads who need to be micro-managed - the friends I have there are GPs, scientists, university lecturers, intelligent women who want a bit of time out the house and they're spoken to like they idiots (not that it would be OK to speak down to women in low paid jobs/SAHMs etc but you catch my drift). And I do think it's a sexist issue - I can't imagine the dad's group are forced to sing! and they get bacon sandwiches

So you think I should go to these things, ignore my friends, not have a drink but just hover constantly round my 2yo (who absolutely does have social skills) watching his every move?

of course, I am sure your 2 year old is perfect and not a pain in the ass for everybody else.
Yes, as a mother, I think you should do your parenting first, it's basic manner and common sense. If you want to have a drink with your friend and have some me-time, don't do it in a children group.

You don't need to hover, but it's exactly your job to keep an eye on your child .Who else do you think should do it? Is it other parents jobs to ensure your little darling plays nicely with their own?

Most of us manage really well, it's only a few CF who mess it up and force organiser to have to spell basic rules and put stupid signs.

the only group I ever went to where there were separate baby and toddler groups, was the Surestart group in our town, it was a shame as it meant I and lots of other mums in a similar boat, couldn't go. They stopped running the group not ling aftet because of poor uptake. I think this was one of the reasons why.

I kept being directed to a sure start centre near me that did this - and I couldn't go with a toddler and baby. They didn’t tell me this till after they had my details – and I was taken as being on their books .

At the time apparently HV had no idea about the other centres - I found those through chance and word of mouth.

They complained about poor attendance at this main site but at time there were other sure start centres that didn’t do this and they had great attendance – they just stopped doing open groups at that centre and it was one of the first to close.

I would definitely be leaving a group with no chairs as I have back issues and need to sit down! I do think it's patronising - almost like "you can't be trusted to parent how we think you should parent, so we will force you by not letting you have a seat"

That's all understandable Susan, but where babies and toddlers are mixed and in close quarters, even if parents constantly helicopter over their children there are going to be scraps between children and toddlers are not known for being particularly gentle towards babies.

I haaaate busybodies who feel the need to tell others off. Some people get given a teensy bit of power and go mad with it.

I can't imagine the dad's group are forced to sing! and they get bacon sandwiches

I'm wondering if you live near me now. I was livid when I found out the dads got bacon sandwiches. We got stale custard creams, if we were lucky. I'd have loved a bacon sandwich.

Also loathe volunteers who scowl and nag at customers/service users but are beyond reproach because they’re volunteers

Agreed, Sprussel.

To be balanced though I've seen the reverse when volunteering myself.

as long as the parents are not on their phone and ignoring their kids because they are too busy chatting with their friends, it works perfectly fine.

You don't have to be on your child to see if he's getting too close to a baby, you just keep an eye on them.

It's a shame when organiser have to go and remind a parent or guardian to take a bit of care!