To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

The “group leader”? Good grief it sounds like Brownies.

The OP was not “talking over” anyone. Why are some of you unable to comprehend?
@BumsexAtTheBingo

Lovely name...

Years ago I went to a baby group. I never went back because the group leader was a patronising idiot.

She'd noticed I wasn't singing along, so came and loudly berated me for not singing. I just stared her down while pointing out that I can't sing. Not in a "I'm a little off key and embarrassed about it" way, but in a "I have a problem with my voice that means I can talk but no sound comes out when I try to sing" way. I really struggle to get any sound out.

What made it worse is that I'd actually told her this at the start. Berating me was entirely for her own benefit and to give her a feeling of power.

"The group leader”? Good grief it sounds like Brownies.

If it was Surestart, it will have a group leader, (rather than a volunteer who might be another mum)

ifit's because the group leaders are telling you to interact with your child and telling you how to parent... again at Surestart it will almost certainly be this!

The OP was not “talking over” anyone. Why are some of you unable to comprehend?

She was talking over someone.The kids having a singsong.

And yes much more likely that the woman asked her to be quiet just because she likes telling people off rather than because she wanted her to be quiet

Given that she also put a sign up saying 'mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow', I'd say it DOES seem pretty likely that she likes throwing her weight about and judging people.

Urgh. I am trying to imagine people treating a group of fathers like this.

I stopped attending a baby/breastfeeding group because the organiser took it upon herself to lecture me about my eating habits every session. She'd clearly decided I was anorexic (I am not and have never been! I was just slim to start with and DS fed so much he drained me of the million calories of cake I ate each day and more...) She never once asked me about how much I was eating, just judged and patronised me loudly and repeatedly. I refused to be spoken to like a child so I stopped going. I really wish I'd written to the hospital that ran the group and explained why now.

This sounds insufferable bollocks. YANBU.

I have no time for that shite or the type of people who deal in it.

Playing devils advocate...

1st example - There was plenty of time to chat, a few minutes to be quiet at the end for singing isn't going to kill you.

Phone example 1) - Well safeguarding for a start. A lot of parents will plaster photos and theirs and everyone els'skids all over social media without caring about kids for aren't on their for safety reasons.

Phone example 2) You are also there to meet other mums and socialise, that's what the groups are for, not so other mums who haven't got their heads stuck in their phones engage and play with your kids. They aren't paid carers. If you want to ignore your kids for 45 minutes, go to a soft play where everyone seems to do that.

Mars Bar - Yeah, rub kids faces in it that aren't allowed to have chocolate snacks for whatever reason. I think basic manners and common sense would mean you have the snacks provided or wait until you are out of the group .

Seriously, I think you are confusing parent groups, run by parents for parents to socialise and share stories and tips, with paid for stuff like soft play. I don't think mums groups are your thing by the sounds of it.

I've never known mums groups to be so hard up. I find them uncomfortable to go to for my own reasons but hard up never. Some mums also run a business from their phones should business women be banned.

Sadly enough - mums do seem to need to be told how to behave these days. Some of it is basic manners. The fact people need to be told to supervise their children instead of being glued to their phones worries me.

I've run a parent and baby/toddler group for the past 2 years, voluntarily, unpaid, and all the profits benefit the primary school who let's us use their hall.

OP I would have told you to be quiet too. Storytime and singing at the end requires interaction, and even a couple of people quietly talking is off putting to very young children.

The person running the group didn't know what you were discussing or care about it either.

Mobile phones.... A ban is perfectly reasonable. We have one, enforced by the school we use the premise of. It's a safeguarding issue due to social media usage. Also, it's never just a quick check on the phone. Before we had the ban, I lost count of the amount of times I have had to get involved in a dispute between toddlers because their parent (dads too, not just mums) was too busy eyeballing their phone in the corner to see what their child is doing.

Basically OP, YABU. Thems the rules, and if you don't like it, don't go. I'm not sure they'll be bothered either way.

YANBU
However I regularly go to a particular group where everyone seems to leave before the singing because they don’t want to help tidy up. It’s a pain because I’m too polite so end up helping the 2 ladies who run it tidy up. It takes ages! If everyone else helped it’d be done so quickly, that is annoying!

I never went to a single group. I keep reading how important it is to the mental health of the mother

I don't think they are! They are entirely for the benefit of the toddlers - completely pointless with babies who are far too young to socialise and have enough entertainment in a normal life.

Not that you will entertain the thought you were wrong, no matter how many say it but...

Rude to chat over the group's singing. You clearly weren't 4 miles away and communicating silently through telepathy, since you had to be told to keep it down. Act like a child, be treated like a child.

You should watch your own child in a group, not let them run wild or leave some other bugger to do it. And no, you can't play on a phone and watch a toddler.

I don't think they are! They are entirely for the benefit of the toddlers - completely pointless with babies who are far too young to socialise and have enough entertainment in a normal life.

Sorry but why was the children's centre trying to encourage me to leave my house with my young baby if they cant socialise. I hope they didn't expect me to socialise with anyone. If I have anymore children I will tell them what you said.

Hilarious! Sounds like a good practice run for when Corbyn gets into power and the whole country is run on authoritarian lines.

I would be tempted to disbelieve this but that my lefty book group does this kind of thing all the time. Once someone served black, kale crispy snacks which tasted like witches’ toenails and everyone said how delicious they were while never touching another one.

What about taking a bottle of vodka along, taking a good swig when you are breastfeeding and really winding the Puritanical maniacs up.

I used to go to a community centre for Bookbug where we would sing and a book would be read by the leader. It's not really social group for parents but always good to get out of the house and see the same faces. There were a lot of new mums so their babies were either asleep or lying on the floor. Their constant hum of chat irritated me so much that I decided not to go anymore. Those ladies should go in the cafe if they want to chat and play with their phones.

I found ‘mom groups’ vitally important for me. Both in terms of getting out of the house and socialization for me and my children in a new city. We made many friends who we were still close to many years later.

I think the phone rule is valid. I’ve seen a lot of people dump their children and then text / play on their phone. Some discretion is required though as all of us probably need to use our phones at some time. I think most leaders get that. I can see your point about the circle but also the leaders. It would be annoying. You wouldn’t go into a classroom and then talk at the back over the teacher! These kind of groups do need some rules to function well. If you find it oppressive go to a cafe or a library.

The phone thing is about safe guarding and it’s very normal to request phone to be put away in a children’s environment.
I have to say it really annoys me when people have their phones out at these groups because the children get distracted by the phones and because people use the cameras and I do not want it photots of my child on a strangers phone

The nitpicky bs, over regulated and im better than you attitudes are exactly why i went to a mothers group 3 times and never again
Was looked down on for bottle feeding from birth, they all bf , my age, i was 22, them older and marital status, not married, my weight, called anorexic, jokes about me throwing up everything i eat.
Horrible nasty place, nasty arrogant women that dont accept newcomers who are different to them