To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

I am sure your 2 year old is perfect and not a pain in the ass for everybody else

I don't really understand what you're getting at? You seem to be making up a scenario in your head that I have a little Damian who I ignore in favour of Facebook. Why do people just make stuff up on this site?!

Yes, as a mother, I think you should do your parenting first, it's basic manner and common sense

This is the exact attitude I despise - "fuck you if you're a mother, if you want to talk to a friend then tough shit because baby comes first, even though you can quite competently simultaneously talk and supervise your child, you're a woman so can't be trusted!"

If you want to have a drink with your friend and have some me-time, don't do it in a children group

No, I'll do it at a group thanks, because I'm not an air head who is so engrossed in a cup of tea that I miss my child beating someone up 🙄 would you say the same to a man?

Who else do you think should do it?

Once again, I never said I thought someone else should do it? Why on earth would you assume this?

The phone thing is usually safeguarding.
I used to go to a toddler group with singing at the end and ds who is autistic couldn't cope with sitting in the group and used to make noises and spin around on the other side of the room. I'm glad people accepted that is what he did and didn't expect us to leave early as a few posters seem to be suggesting.

Tbh I think that the rules sound perfectly sensible and mostly just good manners.
No way would I sit chatting when the leader of the session was trying to read a story/do songs - that’s just rude to make them have to talk over you - you have the whole rest of the session to chat.
And phones were always banned when I went to toddler groups for safeguarding. And there may be parents there who don’t consent to their children being in photos for a variety of reasons. And yes parents should be encouraged to interact with their kids rather than use toddler groups as a babysitting service while they scroll through social media. I’m sure if you geneuinely needed to take an important call someone would watch your lo while you nipped outside.
And most toddler groups offer healthy snacks and try to encourage healthy eating so you are undermining that by chomping on a Mars Bar! It might not affect you now as your baby is possibly not yet weaned but try getting them to eat their carrot sticks while you have chocolate when they’re older!
Tbh op you sound like exactly the kind of parent that has forced basic common sense to have to be formalised into group rules.

Op you are not the only one who uses it.So really in that context dont go to it.Dont go and sit chatting and ruin the kids sing along.I dont think you realise how loud voices carry.Its really annoying when you go somewhere and someone is chatting with their friend.They think they are being quiet but in reality they arent

If you want to have a drink with your friend and have some me-time, don't do it in a children group

Fucking hell, these groups are primarily to get women out of the house so they don't become isolated and depressed. With some of these attitudes, I think I'd wall myself in.

Oh dear you're one of 'those' mothers.

YABU.

GunpowderGelatine that was exactly what my DH said about lack of chairs.

I put up with it was they were among the cheapest groups when money was really tight - on days I had nothing else on.

I liked getting out of the house for a few hours and kids got exciting about different toys. We moved few times with young children so didn't have local family and need to meet people to make friends and DH was working long hours with long commute.

I’m normally really against passive aggressive sign proliferation but I suspect the posters indicating mobile phones is the best approach. I very much doubt that in reality you would have preferred the organisers verbally informing you of that rule at the beginning of every session, - very hard to carry off without setting a negative tone. I’m sure they much prefer welcoming everybody and introducing newbies.
I bet there is a lot more parent to patent interaction in groups with no mobiles, let alone child to parent, and that is often really the most valuable element for parents attending.

I'm wondering if you live near me now. I was livid when I found out the dads got bacon sandwiches. We got stale custard creams, if we were lucky. I'd have loved a bacon sandwich.

No longer there yet another work move - though we never got any biscuits - so I think you're up there.

One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening

there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them

This is so fucking patronising and holier-than-thou. And I agree, OP, it's surely at least in part a sexist thing; I can't imagine anyone treating a dads' group like that. Out of interest, ARE there any men at either of these groups you've been to and if so, what do they think of it all?

I'd go to the other nice one and maybe look around for other nice ones. And email the two above and tell them exactly why you're not going to be coming back.

Where does it end? Is blinking allowed?

To be honest, I'm really surprised that you are struggling with these simple rules. It's not much to ask.

It might not affect you now as your baby is possibly not yet weaned but try getting them to eat their carrot sticks while you have chocolate when they’re older!

My son is almost 1, but the Mars bar thing was with my DD when she was about 4 months old, I was bloody starving

I love our Sure Start centre and doesn't bother me to have no phones or unhealthy food for 2 hrs. Never feel judged.

@Fairenuff the blinking comment was tongue in cheek (as you no doubt know)

Wow, I think you are very U.

Fine not to join in the singing, but a bit rude to sit chatting. If the singing was at the end, I’m guessing you had a long period where there were no songs and you could chat? Would have been polite to break off to listen to the singing and so your DC could listen. Amazed that you need this pointing out!

At the groups I went to parents and nannys were often glued to their phones. The DC were running riot or desperately trying to get adult’s attention. I can see why this rule would be beneficial.

I'm not a Mum but what you have just described sounds awful. Why speak to you like one of the children? I would be well rid of that toxic group.

@DarlingNikita no men except to the non-SureStart one I go to there is one regular SAHD and he really enjoys the group and talks to everyone, fits in well.

They do a dad's one on a weekend with beacon butties I think a lot go to that.

Sorry earlier post should say my son is almost 2 not almost 1

People chatting quietly during song time is annoying.

People taking photos of their own child on their phone is fine, but the people who take pictures of other children and generally spend most of the time on their phone has led to some places banning them.

Eating a mars bar? I can't see the problem with that.

I am a childminder and I have seen childminders huddled together and ignoring children, so I choose to go to groups with the childminders who engage with their children. I get most of my work from parents at the toddler groups I attend, so hopefully I have the right balance between phone use / chatting / engaging with the children / eating chocolate biscuits.

OP, if you know that you’re not neglecting your child then perhaps you could look at the signs as not being aimed at you, but at those carers who do entirely ignore the children in their care in favour of Instagram. See them as being like no smoking signs at stations, for example. You know better than to smoke on the platform, but there are obviously people who don’t or the signs wouldn’t be there.

But why? Why is it such a problem to follow these rules and have the need to be sarcastic about them?

OP I think your subsequent snippy and sarcastic replies have clearly shown that your are one of those entitled parents.

The phone ban will apply to all sexes, it's a basic safeguarding policy.

Tbh I would be embarrassed myself if someone had to tell me not to speak over the circle time at the end. I once volunteered to lead the group at my local SureStart because they were a staff member down and I did the circle time at the end and parents chatting made it really hard. And I’m no shrinking violet and a former teacher so well used to managing unruly behaviour. I wish I’d had the balls to tell the rude fuckers to zip it 😂

I've volunteered at toddler groups in the past. We had our fair share of parents/childminders/grannies who sat on their phones, but unless they were completely ignoring their child and the child was causing mayhem, we wouldn't have said anything (and even then, it wouldn't have been "put your phone away", it would have been "can you have a word with Thea, she's being a bit rough?", gradually escalating if the behaviour continued).

It IS distracting when people talk during the singing time, but we wouldn't have thought anything of 2 mums chatting quietly. If it happened regularly, or was particularly loud, we might have inwardly sighed, but we only really said anything if it was children racing about unsupervised and potentially being hurt.

I always found the church groups run by older ladies in a delapidated church hall to be the best. Their entire aim for the morning appeared to be to cheerfully stuff everyone who came through the doors with as much juice/tea/coffee and cake/biscuits as possible.