To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

I went to one once with my 16 month old, 3 year old and newborn baby and got told off for breastfeeding. Apparently I should be flashing my boobs around impressionable children, the leaders words. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so covered with a muslin cloth to finish. But could feel all eyes on me, and then overheard a couple of mum's saying that since this was my first time at this group I had just come to show up the mum's there who chose to bottle feed. Not that I would ever do that, my first child was soley bottle fed, and my toddler was mix fed, my 3rd was soley breastfed. Needless to say I left and never went back and the group closed a few weeks later anyway.

Honestly, I'd be mortified if I had to be told to shut up because I'd been talking over people singing. You were being treated like a child because you behaved like one.

As for phones, they shouldn't be on because YES, you should be watching your child. The people who don't are the reasons playgroups are hell. And two, the photo parents who can't keep every second of their precious baby off Facebook create a safeguarding issue for other children.

If you want to ignore your kids while volunteers look after them for you find a different play group. Or better yet pay for them to go to some classes where an adult with a wage will look after them.

One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listeninghmm so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This I agree with. I've done my stint running a toddler group. You probably don't realise how distracting you're being by chatting away while the group leader is trying to get the kids singing.

I used to go to playgroups to speak to adults. I always kept an eye on DD and gave her attention if she needed it.
Apart from that I wanted to drink tea and speak to someone. I thought that was the point.

I understood if I went to a sure start one I would be expected to be more involved though.

wow, you sound awfully rude and entitled, sorry.

Sadly the reason why some groups had to start putting this ridiculous signs, is because of parents. You should parent your child, not be on your phone because you can't be bothered and you think someone else will look after them.

There's also a safety aspect. If a vulnerable mum has asked to make sure no picture of her child are taken, it's easier to ban phones than giving details that don't concern you.

How hard is it not to talk when the children are singing? Are you one of these parents who will chat during a nativity when their own kids is not on the scene?

It's a pity people like you behave like sulky teenagers and that organisers have to treat everyone like a child. In an ideal world, all the parents attending would be respectful, but sadly they are not.

And this “watch your kids not your phone” nonsense is just another way to bash mums.

It's really not. Toddlers need to be monitored while they play with other children. That's just bloody obvious surely.

I wish phones were banned around children. A quick picture - sure, go for it, but most of the time people are addicted to smart phones and ignoring their child for it.
It's hard to say about the rhyme time without actually being there. Maybe you were being louder than you had realised.

I bet most of you would lose your shit if you showed up to nursery to find the person watching them dicking around on their phone.

I am broadly in agreement with the mum group's regulations in the OP, to be honest. They have probably been forced to bring the rules in because of examples of behaviour as listed in other people's posts above.

Although, I do have to say that a quick glance at the phone shouldn't mean that the parent gets 'told off'.

Once went to a Catholic one with a list of rules /regs - one being the agreement of others telling off your dc should the need arise!!
Waffled about taking a village to raise a dc!

Honestly, if there is a real feminist issue here it is that WOMEN tend to run these things for free to provide a service to parents and that service isn't appreciated or respected.

Like most free labour performed by women.

Sounds fine to me. Perhaps ifvyou dont like it you could try a cafe or sift play - or set up and run your own group where you keep an eye on all the kids, and do all the work, whilst the parents chat or sit their on their phones.

YABU, don't go to a structured group if you are going to moan about the structure. Go sit and chat/eat your mars bar/play on your phone at soft play if that's all you want to do. Some parents and kids enjoy the groups you have described, it's people like you who change the atmosphere by completing missing the point of them, and showing such little respect.

I think you and your friend chatting while the kids are trying to sing really disrespectful.

I dont think people realise how noisy they can be while chatting.Its one of my pet hates.

The phone ban i can understant.people just completely ignore the kids whilst they cause havoc.

I think you be better off at soft play

Wow, I never been to a group with such rules, and I’ve been to quite a few. There was one run by the local council I think where phones weren’t allowed, in case someone took a picture of someone else’s child. It was for safety to protect any families who might be in refuges.

I bet most of you would lose your shit if you showed up to nursery to find the person watching them dicking around on their phone. too right Veggy

Mrsfrumble I hope you are not suggesting that mothers with babies that need to be breastfed should patiently wait until singing is over before their babies needs are met? I also hope you are not suggesting that a struggling mother who is being listened to and being given support by another parent (whilst breastfeeding off to the side away from the singing) is doing anything wrong?

"mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow"

Nooooo - the few times I went I was there so my kids could go off and play and grow, and I could have a cup of tea in peace...

Plus I'm on call for my job, so yes, my phone might have to come out occasionally..

TBH, my kids didn't get on with those groups anyway - I'll never forget DS2's clear voice saying exactly what he thought of being given half a rice cracker, 3 grapes, and semi-skimmed milk (he was used to full fat) as a snack.

Yes SureStart! I know volunteers work hard to keep the group alive but I don't think that gives them license to treat mothers like that.

Luckily I do have a lovely group that takes place on the local school, ran by a TA there rather than SureStart. It's brilliant, no tellings off, singing is optional and no judgements or passive aggressive signs to be seen.

There’s a middle ground with regards to phone use. I once went to council run group with DD where there was a complete, strictly-enforced ban, and I needed to be aware of time as I was due to collect DS from school. I haven’t worn a watch for ages as I just check the time on phone these days, and there was no clock on the wall. I kept having to pretend I was looking for something in my bag so I could surreptitiously check the screen to make sure I wasn’t late!

And having been there with toddler-rearing, I do understand how the boredom and loneliness can creep in, and how a few minutes on social media or a text conversation with a friend can cheer you up. And children don’t need interacting with every second at the expense of their carers mental health. But there are parents and carers who do ignore their very young children for long stretches of time because they’re busy staring at screens.

I think you should respect the routine of the group. There is nothing worse than trying to lead an activity or workshop and people chat through it. Voices carry even talking quietly carries.

Not using your phone is a very good rule and sad that it needs to be enforced.

If there is a health eating policy it's not do as we say children not as we do. They learn from example.

Have friends round for coffee or meet in the park if you want to do your own thing.

That’s ridiculous and doesn’t sound like fun at all. The groups I’ve been in haven’t been like that at all and are very laid back.

I’d start your own group! Mum groups are as much for you as they are for the children. You could organise it with your friends or put it on Mush.

he few times I went I was there so my kids could go off and play and grow, and I could have a cup of tea in peace...

wow
That's what your HOUSE is designed for. When you force your children upon others, in a soft play, a park or a baby group, you are supposed to PARENT and keep an eye on them. That's your job, not somebody else's, unless you employ them - childminder or nannie

Are you one of these parents who will chat during a nativity when their own kids is not on the scene?

No it's hardly the same - only about half a dozen were singing and other mums were at the side and in other bits of the room.

Do people really stare at their children the whole time in these baby groups? No one looks at another mum to chat, or goes to get a cuppa and biscuit, or check their phone for a text they're expecting?