To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

You sound like a self entitled 5 year old to me - boohoo I want to talk over the singing time, play in my phone when I want and stuff my face with chocolate without offering it around, boohoo

I used to co run a parent led group and I find all the critical remarks really funny. Would you take out a Mars bar and eat it in front of everyone if you were with a group of your own friends? Would you form a separate group to talk about a private matter while the others were doing something communal with the children? Do you help putting out toys or drinks or leave it all to the organisers? How much do you need to look at your phone for two hours? Speaking as someone nursing a broken bone in her foot because a mum with push chair in a crowded supermarket couldn't wait to answer a call , I'm just asking. I suspect most of you criticising playgroups would run a mile rather than organise one youselves.

These people are in the main volunteers. Perhaps not perfect. But it’s a group run for a collective. They are trying to get parents to interact with the children or at least watch them instead of their phone and the obvious safeguarding issues.

As a member of mumsnet you are likely highly educated and very intelligent. Not everyone is.

The posters weren’t made by professional people. The group isn’t run by or for people with degrees. In many instances group leaders probably don’t even get the nuances, which we take for granted.

I think you should take a step back and try to understand these groups are run for the masses whatever their intellect or education.

I used to lead these groups in a children centre. Phones were banned because of people taking pictures of children and some children in the groups would be looked after children. Some people would upload to social media the pictures and the location. Possibly putting that child in danger. Also some parents would spend the whole session on their phones and not watch or look after their child. So we had a blanket ban on phones.
We used to do singing at the end. It would last for ten minutes max and the amount of parents who wouldn't join in and sit and talk was very annoying. It was ten minutes and is very distracting. Normally they'd be chatting and not watching their child and then that child would be walking off and disrupting the other children. Not all the time. But majority of the time.

Try a church or community centre stay and play. Toast , tea, biscuits etc. Parents chat while children play. Everyone's a winner.

I'm glad to say that none of the groups I have been to have been like this.

I hope nobody reading is put off! I do think they're quite an important part of the transition into motherhood to be honest. I always found there was a good amount of cameraderie and support. It was good to see how other's were doing things and have a structure to my week too.

I agree about the phones. Where there are screens there are often kids being ignored. Precious moments being missed. I know because I have a screen.
The rest of the rules are irritating though.

Totally agree with the second one. There's a whole generation of kids who just arent being interacted with. It's a ticking timebomb towards a mental health crisis in a few years.

Other one was a dick tho.

No mobiles is brilliant, if someone really wants you they can ring and then you'll hear it.
Talking through singing is rude. Just wait it surely only lasts about 15mins.
If you don't like the rules go somewhere else like softplay, or join the parenting forum to try to influence the rules or up your own playgroup.

I used to go to loads of groups and haven't experienced those things OP, your groups do sound judgy/controlling!

I go to two children's centres as well, and the staff are lovely. IME not everyone joins in for songs, a lot of people pack up to leave instead, I can't imagine chatting away from the song circle being a problem. And I think the last time I was there I spent 50% of the session on my phone while my baby repetively shoved balls in a tube. No one said anything.

Interesting that primary school children are finding it difficult to sit still, listen and not chat whilst the teacher/TA starts the session.. Maybe these children took in the behaviour of adults whilst at mother and toddler groups? Mind you, I have run training sessions for headteachers and they are the worst for chatting whilst the speaker is trying to address the group!

Some groups I went to were full of women who only wanted to interact with their child and not speak to anyone else. Which is fine but not helpful to mothers looking for some adult social interaction!

Other groups are more 'here's a safe space with fun toys for the toddlers/babies, so enjoy your chat while you only need half an eye on your children', which was more my thing. The problems were when the two got mixed and when the lovely sure start centre got a new group leader who forced educational videos and activities on us and also wanged on about her own PND so she could tell none of us had it.... cue bunch of mums with PND or close to it pushing off to a cafe. I bought a lot of coffees for mums who couldn't afford it but damned if I was leaving them out.

The best was actually a breastfeeding support group which had really friendly organisers, also in a sure start centre, where we could all chat and they would get toys out for older kids as needed. Another Ss group was also 'stay and play' but were very happy for me to lie down and sleep while ds had a safe place to play.

These are some, but not all the reasons I didnt and don’t do mum & baby groups. I tended to find them bitchy and cliquey and just a sodding fashion parade. Got fed up with trying them all out as I found them all depressingly the same.

Would you take out a Mars bar and eat it in front of everyone if you were with a group of your own friends?

Yes, if im hungry i will eat, i wont eat carrot sticks to make people happy, if i want chocolate, i will eat it.
I dont get this not eating cos of other people thing, how odd

You sound like a self entitled 5 year old to me - boohoo I want to talk over the singing time, play in my phone when I want and stuff my face with chocolate without offering it around, boohoo

Am I shite offering a Mars bar round, have you seen how small they are these days?

And I don't play on my phone , said this several times but conveniently gets ignored

Would you take out a Mars bar and eat it in front of everyone if you were with a group of your own friends?

Yes because my friends aren't freaks offended by chocolate - why wouldnt you have a snack in front of your friends if you were hungry?!

Would you form a separate group to talk about a private matter while the others were doing something communal with the children?

Our children were with us and it's an entirely different dynamic being in a mums group of 25 people than being with established friends

Do you help putting out toys or drinks or leave it all to the organisers?

I help out toys away, most people do unless feeding babies, at that particular group there's no drinks available at all. I do bring a bottle of Coke though to swig

How much do you need to look at your phone for two hours?

As stated numerous times, I don't except for the odd glance in case DD's school have called

So after answering your questions can you answer me this - is your group you run as micro managed as it sounds?

Yes I do eat chocolate in front of others. Why not?

YANBU I get you OP, a simple phones are not allowed for safeguarding reasons would have offended noone, its the judgy undertone thats riled you. I often used my phone to help entertain, find nursery rhymes and etc for my child I think that would blow some people's minds 🤯

no phones is a safeguarding issue

Nonsense. It is perfectly obvious when someone is on a phone and if they are taking photos.

No phones is judgey 'oooh share in these precious moments don't be on your phone' bullshit.

How on earth would the volunteers running the group then intervene to stop someone taking photos. Throw themselves in front of the phone? It is very easy to take a photo without people realising. Much easier to had a sign up and expect people to follow it then ask volunteers to make judgements about what people are doing why their phones. No phones is standard in all childcare organizations I know.