To dislike 'mum groups' because of the this kind of attitude

[GunpowderGelatine]

I have a DS who's almost 2 and I work part time so try and get out to 'mum groups' in the area on my days off. Not just for him but for my own benefit to see friends and prevent isolation etc. But I often find the attitudes a bit ridiculous, mothers are treated either like idiots or children. last week me and a friend went to one and she was (very quietly) telling me about her husband's recent health diagnosis. It was the end so some mums and babies had gathered in the middle to sing. Our babies wanted breastfed so we sat at the side, away from the circle to feed them and chat as she needed support (again we were very quiet). One of the co-leaders came up to us and asked us to be quiet because the children are singing wheels on the bus and we should be listening so we had to sit in silence feeding them.

This week I went to a new one and there were posters everywhere with pictures of mobile phones and a big red X over them. The posters said "mobile phones are banned in this group, you are here to interact with your children and enjoy watching them play and grow". FFS you can't tell grown ups they can't look at their phone!

These are just 2 examples, I've been to groups with my older children where we were told we 'had' to sing at the end, and I went to another where I got told off for eating a mars bar because, whilst eating wasn't banned there, it doesn't promote healthy eating AIBU to want to be treated like a human and not some stupid mumbot who needs to be told what to do and 'told off' if I misbehave?

OP I think your subsequent snippy and sarcastic replies have clearly shown that your are one of those entitled parents

I think the OP has been remarkably restrained in the face of quite a number of trollish comments.

Isn't phones safeguarding though? I wouldn't want someone I don't know in a 'secure unit' taking pics if my child. Same as it is in nurseries

Good post ThePencil.

Maybe you had to be there in the group singing to realise what I mean - it's a large room, little singing circle in the middle and mums and babies at the side of the room against the wall mainly feeding their kids. I can assure you we were not talking loud, we were basically whispering. The woman had to get up and come over that's how far away we were. But I strongly suspect she doesn't like us anyway and it was more to do with that.

My DS didn't want to join in with the singing as he was having a feed.

I always found the church groups run by older ladies in a delapidated church hall to be the best. Their entire aim for the morning appeared to be to cheerfully stuff everyone who came through the doors with as much juice/tea/coffee and cake/biscuits as possible

Yes I used to go to a great church one, it had a bouncy castle, cake and hot drinks and loads of toys and interactive things for the kids to do and they got their lunch - it was only £1! But I now work on the day it's on sadly!

Why is it such a problem to follow these rules and have the need to be sarcastic about them?

I can't be sarcastic on MN blimey!

The thing is...there are different things going on

Toddler/baby groups in general are run by volunteers (patents, church groups etc) - in church's, scout huts, village halls etc. In all the ones I've been involved in, the idea is mum's, dad's and carers (child minders, nannies etc) go with their babies and/or toddlers or a combination of the 2....the idea is stay and play, so they all ramble about whilst the adults keep an eye on their kids and have a chat, so they can get out of the house and the children get a bit of fighting with other children over the best toy socialisation.
There are usually toys, a craft (where your 2 year old will try and stick a glue stick up a babies nose), a snack ....family circle box of biscuits, breadsticks, rice cakes and some limp chopped up carrot (rammed up babies other nostril), a cup of tea/coffee for adults with the better family circle biscuits (separated out earlier) and at the end a bit of singing, with adults trying to get their kids to join in and praying no one suggests the hokey dokey. Everyone scarpers to avoid tidying up....job done.
Then there are Surestart groups - set up with an intention of supporting families and children and receiving funding so having to adhere to guidelines. As part of the agenda is to get people who may be struggling with parenting, they are more formal in the elements of - encouraging interaction and communication, healthy eating, singing etc They also have to adhere to health and safety regulations (hence no hot drinks in room) They will have the same sort of things as the more informal group above, but it will all feel a bit more forced, well intentioned (because they will be supporting parents who really eill be struggling with some if these things)....but may feel a bit patronising if you feel that you are ok with all the interaction/healthy eating stuff. They have a duty to be educational, but it can all feel a bit ham fisted. Snacks will be healthy, crawling on floor looking at treasure baskets will be encouraged and singing will be more tinkly and 'interactive.

Unfortunately the Surestart thing, which can be fantastic, often seemed to get it a bit wrong, and would put off both those it was aiming to help and everyone else who may have enjoyed it as well!

Isn't phones safeguarding though

Like I say if that had been the message I'd completely agree (I work in a school so completely understand about safeguarding and never take pictures at baby groups for that reason).

@hazeyjane great post and yes a good point and the difference!

OP I think your subsequent snippy and sarcastic replies have clearly shown that your are one of those entitled parents

I think the OP has been remarkably restrained in the face of quite a number of trollish comments.

telling the OP she is wrong and has an awful attitude is not trollish. Maybe people don't dare telling her in real life, but it doesn't mean they don't think it.

IamSusan do you play in the soft play centre with your child which is lovely if you do. I may have trouble climbing through the gaps they have to keep up with my pre schooler. I would prefer to sit have a cup of tea and watch them from my seat. In the real world thats what most parents do in play centres.

• bold fail, but you get my point!

In the real world thats what most parents do in play centres.
I think you are talking about soft play, not children or mums groups!

Anyway, in the real world, a lot of parents do go with their children in the soft play, and I have yet to see one who would be too small for an adult to go through! That would be completely unsafe anyway.

I wasn't referring to the posts intelligently disagreeing with the OP, I was referring to posts like "You appear to be one of THOSE parents" and "If you want to have a drink with your friend and have some me-time, don't do it in a children group" which are just trolling or ignorant. Not untypical of AIBU though, certainly, where people do come to MN to have a good old trolling and tell women off.

Sitting away from the rest of the group and chatting when the rest of the group are having a sing song is (seen as) rude, whatever your reason.

Yes, these groups give parents the chance to have a social outlet but the group primarily involves an activity and taking part with your child(ren).

How long is a parent and toddler group - an hour or two? It's not unreasonable to expect people to put away their phones for that length of time. Most, if not everything can wait that long.

Everywhere has rules, it's not the end of the world. Find a new group and/or organise to meet your friend for a chat some other time.

From the OP: "the friends I have there are GPs, scientists, university lecturers, intelligent women"

Snort !!!!!!

Says it all, really. OP, you are deserving of any harsh comments because you sound like an entitled snob with little regard for the menial people running the playgroup and the no-hopers joining in with the singing.

Makes me glad I went to a playgroup with a very mixed bunch of women (and indeed some dads) who may not have been hitting the high notes with careers but definitely were in possession of decent manners.

I have yet to see one who would be too small for an adult to go through!

You haven't seen the size of my arse.

I take my youngest to a surestart centre sometimes- not every week as it can be a bit infantilising to me personally but I do understand that many people round here do find it an invaluable resource and can benefit from the extra support they offer/signpost to.
I take my son for his social life, not my own, and to prepare him for nursery in the new year. There are no chairs at mine for a reason, I think. We all get stuck in. On first going to the group, it wouldn't have occurred to me to not respect the way the group is run or not join in. It's very child-focussed. Some of these children might not get the same quality of time and play they're engaged in, at home. I'm not going to be the one who rocks up and as an adult, wants things done on my own terms and then destabilise the childrens'. It gets young kids either into routines which they'll soon have to be used to anyway, or provides a continuation of a home routine.

I have got stuck going through those roller things in a soft play before (you know like the ones on fun house). Very embarrassing

Says it all, really. OP, you are deserving of any harsh comments because you sound like an entitled snob with little regard for the menial people running the playgroup and the no-hopers joining in with the singing.

Well you would think that if you don't read the rest of the OP's post there and it says more about your attitudes and projection than the OP's.

Shock horror, some professional people even do the MENIAL volunteering themselves at times.

@IrmaFayLear you have completely missed my point - that comment was about treating intelligent women like total imbeciles, and absolutely nothing to do with "little regard for the menial people running the playgroup" go project elsewhere

And as @shearwater says it's professional people running that specific group - one is a part-time psychologist

The one that I go to has a cafe that serves food and drinks the owner encourages parents to use it and so does the children. It depends on the size of the adult and if they have any health problems whether they can climb up the levels or fit through the gaps. There is a designated area for babies/toddlers where parents can go to to watch them and another for school aged children. You would be brave to go running around with them big children.

I find mums groups tedious and boring.

Can’t see the problem with the ‘don’t talk over the kids singing please’ and the no phones one is obviously for a reason. Mars bars one is stupid. But the others nope. Also it’s not a ‘mum group’ thing. I’ve never been to one like that and we go to three regularly. One of them does have a lot of mums that ignore their kids bashing others/falling over and hurting themselves/ climbing up the curtains because they’re too bothered with their phones!

So you were whispering now then yet the woman who was sat in your words ‘far away’ could still hear you talking over the songs??? Ok.
Op you were called out on rude behaviour just accept it and move on. You have the whole rest of the session to chat.
But if it’s really essential that you chat during song time, play on your phone and eat chocolate then a toddler group with rules against these things that are there for the benefit of everyone maybe isn’t the best place for you to socialise.

And tbf anyone with an ounce of common sense wouldn’t need telling to be quiet when others are talking or not to bring out chocolate when they are trying to encourage the toddlers to eat healthy things!
So you were treated appropriately imo.

Oh, well, if the person running the group is a part-time psychologist then they are clearly worth your attention and respect. Had the group leader been a redoubtable church lady or (shudder) an unintelligent person then you would have been absolutely doing the right thing to have been chatting to your friend and doing very important surfing on your phone.