Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

In the nicest way, I would work to get your paranoia under control.

If my spouse contacted me this much when I was away I would be livid. Pre-children I would have just turned the phone off but now I would send a message telling them to quit it. It’s like stalking!

Basically, we wouldn’t contact each other in this situation unless there was a specific question that absolutely NEEDED to be answered before the person got home. When the kids were young there was 1 phone call each evening so the kids could say goodnight and we would speak and say hi then. Nowadays, I will get the odd text from a child ‘do you know where my footy clothes are’ etc which I ignore. If you don’t have a handle on that shit coming up to 20yo then tough. Obviously if the text said ‘dads been taken to hospital’ I would give them a call. If someone is coming in on a flight that’s running late, originally anticipated to get home around dinner time then we would text each other so people didn’t wait for you but only that sort of stuff. No stalking/incessant dialogue for the sake of it.

Obviously every couple has a different dynamic but I think your expectations are a bit ott. Not because you want him to call or text but because it seems to be all about reassuring you that he's "behaving" himself.

It sounds like you are a bit distrustful and a bit jealous? Has he given you any reason to feel this way? If not, you should maybe work on that. If he has, then you should work on that as a couple.

My dh can go long stretches where he doesn't travel and then other stretches where he might travel 3-4 times in a month for up to a week at a time. He texts me every so often, calls me every so often. It all depends on how busy he is and how late he gets back to the hotel. I text him every so often. I never call him as his schedule can be a bit all over the place plus there is often a time difference.

I'm fine with that. Other couples may have a pattern of chatting every evening if one is away. That's fine too.

Obviously, I may be misinterpreting your situation, but I suspect your lack of trust makes it feel like a chore to text/call you. I would suggest working on the trust but also agreeing what you consider to be reasonable contact when he is away, not for reassurance but just for contact and communication. It is reasonable to expect him to take your desire for communication into account within the constraints of his schedule.

My husband works away 2 days a week. Our communication is generally along the lines of "The dog shat on the bathmat again, I'm gonna do a murder" "Ha ha ha! I've taught him well" cos we're normal and not really fucking hard work.

My husband had been away for 6 weeks so far, he'll WhatsApp me, but I won't always read the message right away, or if I do, I more than likely won't reply there and then.

I'm not disregarding him at all, I just perhaps don't have time. He might take a while to reply to me too, because we both have things going on. I and I have GAD, but I'd be frustrated with you if you suddenly thought bad if me, and that I was up to no good if I hadn't replied to text. There's no need to be monitoring times of receiving, reading and replying, it's all a bit much.

I would say definitely try to work out your own issues, before forming ones that most likely don't exist.

My husband works away a lot (I used to as well). I usually get a text last thing at night and in the morning, but if I don't it's not an issue; I like to know he is safe so one on arrival is good. He doesn't tend to call me much. Sometimes not at all, sometimes every few days and I just assume he is busy working or out drinking and enjoying himself.

I agree with theymademejoin that everyone has their own dynamic as I know that some of DH's colleagues call home as often as they can and also agree that you are making calling you seem like a chore rather than something that is done just for a chat. I'd be irritated by the expectation of contact because it implies a lack of trust when there isn't cause for such (unless there's a history of cheating etc).

I phone for a chat most nights when I'm away. Not for checking in purposes though!

He had a back and forth conversation with you, then put his phone away and got on with his evening. Back to hotel later and checks phone, by which point it is late so he doesn’t reply so that it doesn’t disturb you. Having had a late night, he gets up and goes straight to work.

DH works away 3 nights most weeks. We often don’t speak the whole time he is away.

No I wouldn't be annoyed. I wouldn't expect to have to check in all the time if I was out either. Sounds like hard work

You do realise, don't you, that if he's going to cheat on you he could just as easily do it two streets away as when he's far away on business?
You're ruining your life and probably aggravating the fuck out of his with this level of suspicion and paranoia. Stop it before you really do drive him away.

I don't text my partner more than once a day when I'm working away because the work is really full on. The socialising networking is also really full on. Fortunately my partner trusts me not to fuck my colleagues. Which is fine because I don't want to fuck my colleagues.

My partner almost never goes away for work but when he does I also trust him. I would not like to be in a relationship without mutual trust.

My husband travels quite a lot with his job. Left for HK yesterday and received a short text last night to say he was going out. I probably won't hear from him again unless his flight is delayed.
I am not sure what you expect from your husband. He sent you a message, why do you need constant reassurance?

Lol MorningsEleven.....my husband works away alot.....and thats generally our communication...."kids have been pains" "neighbours have done so and so" and a bit of gossip...cat was sick on the rug blah blah....we can go all week and maybe only txt 5 times and speak twice...and dont ever say have you been behaving.....i have had my moments though....i did ask if he was having affair once jokingly.....more my issues though of feeling a bit neglected...
Once you start having doubts though they eat away at you and it becomes hard work both ways Issy777.......maybe try a different approach......
It's a horrible feeling when you dont trust someone.....I've been there done that and it lead us down the road of splitting up with an ex a long time ago...x

Too much. When my OH is away, if we text or phone then great but it isn't necessary.

When I am away same.

Chill out.

My dh travels a fair bit. He rings me every morning, perhaps emails during the day, and calls me at night.

You either trust him, or you don't.

What should you do next? The only thing you need to do is let this go, this isn't healthy for either of you.

My OH works away a lot for 2 - 4 nights out at a time. He is usually in contact at some point in the day but mostly the odd text between meetings. In the evenings he is out with customers. We don't do the whole good morning / good night text unless we are already chatting. We don't speak on the phone either usually - but that's just us, we have loads to say face to face but have never been a couple to spend hours on the phone when we're apart.

Saying all that though...if you've asked him to send you a good night text and he has agreed, then it's poor form for him to forget it. I think the amount of contact you have with him when he is away is very high but some couples are just like that.

Is he out socialising with other colleagues and customers or just this one woman colleague? If it's just this one woman and he is up drinking late with her and they work together in the same location anyway (so it's not a need to catch up) then staying up late drinking with her would maybe make me think twice as if he's got a lot on the next day most people travelling would just go to bed. If there's a few of them then yabu as he has to socialise for work.

It is difficult sometimes not to let your imagination run wild when you're stuck at home and the other one is away but it will be a lot more boring than you think and I'm sure he'd rather be at home!

I used to work away a lot often travelling with just a male colleague or out in the evening with a male client. It can be really difficult to text call when you’re with clients and colleagues. He text you early on in the night which is good!

Does it matter if he stayed out late drinking?

In the mornings I would often be out v early so in a rush to get ready and then breakfast with colleagues, travel with colleagues / clients. It can be really difficult to text / call when you are ‘on’ and discussing work stuff.

I think all couples dynamics are different. When my dh is away he will text me and call me just before bed so we have a conversation.

I do trust him implicitly but he knows I have anxiety and been cheated on so he takes that into consideration so I don't worry.

I think you need to discuss with your husband and have a compromise on what you both consider to be a good level of communication. If there is more than expected then bonus but he needs to consider you.

I would be upset if my dh read my message but didn't reply for a few hours after but it doesn't necessarily mean he is doing anything untoward.

Years ago my husband worked away, before mobiles but he never rang until the dc were around and then he would ring to say goodnight to them. You need to trust him as a pp said he could be playing around with a neighbour.

I expect a text a day, pretty much so I know he is alive!

Apart from that I trust him, I don't need to know what he's up to or when he's going to bed.

If I didn't trust him i'd leave him.

As another poster said - you either trust him or you don't.

If he wanted to cheat on you, he'd do it regardless of being away on business or not.

Only you can work out if it is YOUR issue making you paranoid, or if you genuinely believe he can't be trusted.

If he wanted to cheat on you he still would, even if he sent you a lovely goodnight message. Leave him be, there's no need to message him when hes away

We' ve done this working away and for much longer periods of time, and I am afraid its a yes YABU.
as someone earlier said you either trust him or you don't , what he did was perfectly reasonable , you know he didn't see your last message until it was too late to reply -and you think his reaction was unreasonable, and you need to work on this, for your own sanity.

FYI I have a friend who's ex had many affairs and yet always managed to call, text and even face time from his gf's hotel room., from so called work dinners etc. Cheaters can be good at covering their tracks and that means not going missing.

Sorry, OP. YABU to be either pissed off or annoyed.

It's hard to hear, but a lack of trust so severe that it demands constant updates, explanations, and reassurance is a surefire way to slowly destroy a relationship.

He could have woke up for a wee, or a drink of water, but was too tired to text back. Then forgot in the morning.

There's nothing worse than working or being out with someone who has to text or answer their phone. I've refused to do it. If there isn't a natural break in the conversation, it's bloody rude.

My DH used to work away, if the B&B had a working land-line and I was in, we spoke.

I've been on the end of accusations and I'd say to anyone to just end the relationship, you don't need this type of shit.

You have a MH issue, so are being controlling towards your Partner, which in turn will damage his MH if he stays with you.