Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

If you don't trust him and think he may be cheating we are you still with him?

If I didn't trust my Dh I'd leave him. And we have a child.

Can you not see how suffocating you are being here?
I work away lots. Have always done so. Calls and texts back home are relaxed and easy. Its hard working away. You miss your family and home comforts.
Sometimes you want to chill out and watch tv or read and not communicate. Other times you want to chat.
To have the added pressure of the expectation or demands of having to check in every single time would drive me crazy.
If you don't trust him its your issue not his. You need to work through that or you will drive him away.

Op have you heard from your partner today?

OP, the more you reply, the more high maintenance you sound. You don't seem to have any understanding of what it's like to be away on business. Your comments about how he's just on the computer all day suggest you think that means he's not busy. I spend a lot of time on the computer. Dh spends a lot of time on the computer. We're busy, and interrupting work to send texts or make calls is often not an option.

It seems to me that he can't win as no matter what he does, it will never be enough. He called you, he texted multiple times but because he didn't text before bed, he must be having an affair. If he does start texting before bed, will that then become not enough as he should have called?

I think you'd be a lot better off working on your insecurities and trying to become more trusting. I generally assume the best unless there is evidence to the contrary. It makes for a much easier life.

@theymademejoin

Going by your logic how on earth am I supposed to find evidence?
Let's just say dp has cheated, he would obviously get rid of all txts/calls from ow before he gets home on Thursday therefore I could never find this evidence

MYbe this is my problem when he's here as in no working away it's not worrying as he comes home at same time everyday and works a very long day he also enjoys being with his kids as. Afamily
He doesn't really go out or anywhere so I couldn't see him cheating when here but when working AWay it's a totally different story. He just seems to "disappear" and not want to be contacted

@Bringbackbertha
Yes earlier on we are in an argument again

Going by your logic how on earth am I supposed to find evidence?

Why do you want to find evidence? My dh travels. I don't feel the need to find evidence as I trust him. If you don't trust your dh, then you will look for evidence even where it doesn't exist. Chances are, if he was cheating with his colleague, he would also be cheating with her at home.

He just seems to "disappear" and not want to be contacted

Or maybe he's just busy? I find when I'm travelling for work, it's much more full-on and intense than when at home. Presumably he's the same.

I travel for work. Business travel means a day at the office, then dinner, then bar till 1am at least (everyone is jet lagged), then hotel to be up at 7am.
No one gets up to no good. Just lots of alcohol and zero flirting even though it is a mixed group.
I text on landing, arrival at the hotel and then sporadically throughout the trip. Then text from the airport when boarding and again when I land home.

OP he really doesn't need to go away to be cheating. He works long days or he works some long days and some dsys finishes at a normal time and stops for a shag on the way home? Could be either. Has his behaviour changed so much in all areas you think he is having an affair or is it just he doesn't text as much. Could it be he used to text a lot to reassure you but is now pissed off because you still dont trust him

Did you send a snarky message which caused the argument?

Did you message asking him if he slept well? Or had a go because he didn't message and you worked yourself into a twist?

@Bringbackbertha
No actually he txt asking why I didn't call which I found odd cos not once did he ask me to call or even ring me so I replied with "I asked how your night was and received no reply"

He then started going on with well u know I'm away etc etc

So then why ask why I didn't call?! And people are wondering why I'm getting suspicious here. He seems very different when he's away...

OP - I sometimes work away. When I do I'll call around 6pm to speak to kids before bed, then probably exchange texts before bed. But I might not do the second if I go out drinking/socialising.

This doesn't mean I'm having an affair, I'm just spending time with colleagues, which I seldom do other times due to childcare/busy life when at home.

It sounds like it's the change in contact that's bothering you and I can understand why, but his level of contact isn't unreasonable. However you'll not know for sure if he's having an affair unless he admits it/you find evidence/ hire a PI.

@sweeneytoddsrazor

I believe his behaviour has changed . I'll give an example

So around June time he went away again for two nights with same female colleague,
He was extremely reassuring and attentive (I didn't even say a word about worrying/paranoia)
He FaceTimes me when he got in and then had dinner and txt me and then spoke to me back at hotel lots of loving txts with missing you" as that's something I would say if I was away from him

Then next working away set of days was August for three nights and thereafter every two weeks til October
In all those times he started off txting FaceTiming but as it got to September/October he just didn't do this he'd just send an odd txt and if he rang it seemed like he wanted to get of the phone then sometimes he'd start an argument over NOTHING!
I could look back in my txts to him and see the obvious change so I just didn't understand, why be so loving etc one time and just start slowly stopping contact, making arguments picking at me for no reason

See, when I looked up those actions it came up with signs of cheating. So am I really being unreasonable here?

@theymademejoin

I didn't wanna give too many details here just incase but I can confidently say I know his job very well as my uncle did the exact same role (now retired) and actually was the one who helped him get the job as a reference.

So I know what it entails. I know as soon as they finish for 5/5.30 whilst in this particular location There is nothing else they need to do - no work emails or calls as they have a specific role to do whilst in this location in this particular building . As soon as they leave that building (which is usually 5 from what he's told me) there is nothing else work related they can do other than enjoy the food allowance they're giving
Hence why they will dine in nice restaurants which I have no qualms about as I'd do the same if I was being paid the amount they did for tea!!

So I know , it's basically work, dinner and then back to hotel there's no other work related stuff to do. So I know 100% that he would just be going back to hotel and relaxing so you're saying there's no time for him to send a two second txt?!?!?

So I know 100% that he would just be going back to hotel and relaxing so you're saying there's no time for him to send a two second txt?!?!?

I'm not saying that. I was referring to your comments about him just being on the computer at work and so having time to text. I was presuming it's pretty full-on up until whenever he left the office. Dinner and drinks will take up a good portion of the evening too.

Of course he has time to send a 2 second text. But he sent multiple texts and called you. You're not just looking for a 2 second text. You're expecting him to respond according to your schedule.

You seem to think I'm taking his side on this. I'm not. I think your insecurities are making life difficult for both of you and that you would be a lot happier working on those.

Obviously if you have reason to believe he's cheating, that's different. But from what you've posted so far, you don't seem to have any reason to believe that. He's travelling more frequently so perhaps while he might have been willing to pander to you previously, it has become a bone of contention with him.

Maybe try talking to him when he gets back.

I think you are being OTT.

Him suddenly stop being loving could be anything. He might be troubled by something he can't talk about because he knows of your anxiety. He might have got frustrated at your attitude, you don't seem to like to be told you may be wrong so perhaps something happened that you saw as insignificant but has affected him more.

I think you need to go back to when his attitude changed and see if you can work out what may have occurred at that point.

Most importantly I think you need to sit down with him and have a adult conversation and not throw accusations around. Tell him how you feel (not that you think he is cheating) but that you don't feel loved and you want to know what's up so you can get to a better place in your relationship.

At the moment you are sabotaging your relationship, lots of people have tried to help you on here but I do think you now need to help yourself and in turn your relationship

If someone pestered me when I was on a work trip the way you're pestering and freaking out about this poor man I'd dump them. Life's too short for that kind of grief.

Has he changed at home though or just when he is away

@theymademejoin

@Bringbackbertha

Yes I think a chat needs to be had. It has been a pretty, difficult few months. I will take all your advice and just not mention any accusations whatsoever.

@sweeneytoddsrazor
I think he can be up and down so one week he may be fine, seem happy, loving and attentive mentioning plans for the future
Then the next week and boom
He acts distant, he sometimes says something randomly nasty that may or may not be intentional- I posted a separate thread a few weeks ago on this talking really rudely about me to a salesman over the phone!!
I do pretty much everything for him to make his life as easier than possible but just don't feel he appreciates it??

If that is the case, that's what you need to focus on. Looking for evidence of an affair is just distracting from the main issue.

YADNBU. I used to be very laid back about contact, with a dh who works away regularly for months at a time. Then I found out he'd cheated. Because so easy to do when away, and your family/partner is not on your mind, if you are so inclined.

If he has enough time to be out socializing with members of the opposite sex on an evening, he has enough time to phone home. Doesn't matter if it's inconvenient. He should want to reassure you. Sorry OP, I get this too, and it's shit.

Then I found out he'd cheated. Because so easy to do when away, and your family/partner is not on your mind, if you are so inclined.

That’s the key though isn’t it. If you are so inclined.

So, if you have a partner ‘that is so inclined’ then you need to make some decisions. Leave them because you don’t trust them. Put some sort of tracking device in them??? Stalk them via social media and bug the shit out of them to reassure yourself all is good at that moment in time. I know which option i’d take.

• on them ...

Both my OH and I travel for work a lot (I'm currently working away from home from three months, OH was seconded abroad for the better part of a year a few years ago).

What some people who don't travel regularly for work don't seem to realise is that being away from home - FOR WORK - isn't all kittens and roses.

It can take up a lot of headspace: working in an unfamiliar environment with colleagues or clients you don't know well, going 'home' to unfamiliar spaces, having to network/socialise with strangers etc is mentally and emotionally draining and sometimes the very, VERY last thing you want to do with your last ounce of emotional energy is speak to somebody - even (and I know how bad this sounds) your OH. But such is life.

I love my job and I enjoy travelling for work (most of the time), but I'm also not one to make light of it. It works for my OH and I because we both do it and we 'get' it, but if it's not working for you, OP, and your partner, perhaps you should discuss this with him.

My DH recently went away for a works conference. We don't live in the U.K. and he went somewhere even further away for the conference. I do expect him to keep in touch with me just so I know he's safe because if anything happened to him then quite frankly I'd be screwed here with out him.
I don't think the OP is BU at all.
It's not stalking or checking up on him, or a lack of trust. It's more that I know he's safe then I can relax and get on with my day.

He actually keeps in touch with more when we are apart than when we are at home tbh.