Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

@Madmozzie

And this was my original point, I think it's much easier to cheat if you're working away regularly.
It's hard to say if he doesn't as according to some people's logic on here I'd be emotionally unstable or out of order if I started snooping?! So how would I know?

Dp also has passcode on his phone which I don't know

according to some people's logic on here I'd be emotionally unstable or out of order if I started snooping?!

Nobody has said that. However, you seem determined to prove he's cheating with nothing to support your belief.

There are obviously problems in your relationship. Maybe it's easier for you to lay the blame at his feet by assuming he's cheating, than it is to address the problems? Most relationship problems have fault on both sides so why not try and work together to resolve those rather than going on a witch hunt?

He may be cheating. But travelling is not going to make a loyal partner cheat any more than not travelling will prevent someone who wants to cheat from cheating.

Dp also has passcode on his phone which I don't know

It's good practice to put a lock on your phone. I have one. Dh has one. Neither of us have ever felt the need to know the others code.

I do pretty much everything for him to make his life as easier than possible but just don't feel he appreciates it??

This may be part of the problem. It doesn't sound like much of a partnership.

But if you were happy in your relationship you wouldn't suspect it the working away is a red herring you don't trust him!!

Sorry OP, but in the nicest possible way I think you crossed the emotionally unstable line a while back, snooping won’t change that.

Have a conversation with him, say you expect more engagement when he’s away, if he’s happy with that, great everything’s sorted. If he isn’t prepared to do that then you need to either find a compromise both of you can be happy with, or just leave him. I’ve read your previous post when he took the job and you seemed to have issues with it before then, so your argument that his behaviour has changed doesn’t really hold up, you had this mindset when he took the working away on.

If you can’t find a compromise then you might just have to leave him for your own sake (and his). If he is cheating, you’ve lost nothing, if he isn’t, you will drive him away sooner or later with this behaviour.

Unless you have a genuine belief that he is cheating that goes beyond

-one late text,

• the fact he’s away from home a lot and you believe that makes it more likely and

• the fact you’ve read a few people on mumsnet had husbands who worked away and cheated

Simply is not enough to justify your behaviour.

If you don’t want him working away at all because you want his company and him to be around the family more, then that’s a separate discussion and an entirely justifiable one on your part.

Stop making it about a risk he’s going to cheat if you have no sensible reason to base that on.

If my spouse contacted me this much when I was away I would be livid. Pre-children I would have just turned the phone off but now I would send a message telling them to quit it. It’s like stalking!

Did I misread this? This sounds totally insane to me. I know all couples are different but it's very normal to contact your spouse when they're away. My husband texts me during the day to find out how my day's going and me him, we definitely talk when one of us is away.

He's travelling more frequently so perhaps while he might have been willing to pander to you previously, it has become a bone of contention with him.

I think if speaking to your partner is a bone of contention, then there's some serious problems afloat.

I think if speaking to your partner is a bone of contention, then there's some serious problems afloat.

Not the speaking bit, but the constant demands for reassurance and texting/calling to the op's schedule.

Ok ive read through most this thread. OP you are going to ruin your relationship by insisting you need to constantly look for signs if cheating, has he given youbreason to not trust him? If not, then get your anxiety sorted as THATS your real problem not the lack of a goodnight text. Im shocked your DP has put up with your mistrust this long

I think it's acceptable, he told you where he was - you shouldnt need updates every few hours. Also it's rude to sit on your phone when socialising for work things.

If you don't trust him then you need to end it. Or he'll feel the pressure of the constant check-ins and expectations and it will take it's toll on your relationship, and drive you apart.

OP, you sound obsessed with the possibility that your husband is cheating on you when he's away.

Let's put it this way: in a good relationship, it's not something that usually occurs to you.

Has this always happened to you in every relationship? Or do you have reasons to suspect that your relationship might not be in good shape?

And, to restate: your husband was in touch with you that day. Repeatedly. YABU for wanting him to contact you EXACTLY the way you want, EXACTLY when you want.

Or he'll feel the pressure of the constant check-ins and expectations and it will take it's toll on your relationship

Im wondering if this ^ may be whats already happening and reason for the change in his behaviour that OP is talking about

When my husband works away we usually video chat before DS goes to bed so DS can tell him about his day and then we'll send a night night text as we go to bed. I might send a few random child or dog updates via whatsapp if one of them is playing up/ill but more of an FYI/for amusement rather than needing a reply. I don't expect text conversations all evening as we're not 15.

We have had an occasion where DS was ill and I had to take him to hospital so DH was in pretty constant contact but that wasn't a normal situation and would only be in those emergency situations.

Neither me nor my DH have to work away much but on the occasions we do we try to stick to a good morning/good night text and MAYBE a catch up on our day before one of us goes out but thats only if we have time. We do this because it puts a smile on each of our faces to say good morning and good night, just something thats important to us as a couple. We DONT do this to "check up" or make sure the other isnt cheating 🙄 i wouldn't marry something i cant trust...

I meant someone* obvs not something!

That’s the key though isn’t it. If you are so inclined.

Yes, but you often would never have guessed... Until you find out it's happened.
And I don't see why anyone should begrudge a ten min chat (or whatever) with their partner every day, especially if they have the time and energy to socialise with someone else for longer. In fact, it's rather insulting if they wouldn't. It's not all flowers and lollipops constantly being left at home either.

And what I probably should also have said is that a person who makes time to speak to their spouse at the end of every day (not just fitting it in on their way out socializing) is creating a mindset in which they are less likely to easily cheat, compared to the person who socialises every evening without a thought for their partner at all. IMO, anyway. But I do believe that's also something that the 'professionals' in infidelity consider... So if said spouse is socializing every night and can't find the time to have a decent conversation, yes, I'd be pissed off, as it would now be seen as a red flag.

@Madmozzie

I'm on the same page as you. I know 100% if it was the other way round, I would definitely be in contact especially retiring to the hotel room as TBF, what else is there to do rather than stick the TV on with its 5 channels?

The other factor is . I know I would DEFINITELY be wanting to speak to the kids, I'd miss them way too much. Our oldest dd is 11 and pretty close to her dad. Why couldn't he at least give her a call or txt?

He has behaved this way EVERY time he's gone away, he never bothers even asking about the kids (I've just scanned txt messages from months ago to check this!)

His total disregard is so apparent, that I can't understand the majority of posters on here. Either, they're mistaking what my issue is -I DO NOT WANT CONSTANT CORRESPONDENCE AT ALL! I WAS HURT BECAUSE HE NEVER RANG/TEXT when he got back which we had ALREADY discussed previously.

I don't understand the assumption that I'm "needy" and need constant reassurance. Not the case at all. I hardly ever txt him. But when he's away I do expect an evening txt, I think that's just good practise - let's say he was violently mugged or ran over by a car on the way back to the hotel. How would I know? I find the txt thing more of a reassurance he's safe and also that he is thinking/missing me and the kids.

You sound ridiculous OP and if I were your partner I would be running miles in the other direction! I hope you're not bringing your children up to be as paranoid? They will never form meaningful, happy relationships if they constantly suspect their other half of cheating!

It sounds like the non texting is the tip of the iceberg and there are many problems in your relationship and you are choosing to focus them on one daft reply to a text. I wouldn't blame him for just wanting to have some peace from you, and your aggressive replies to other posters only serves to solidify that view.
What's with all the shouty capital letters? You seem to think people can't understand what you say. I assure you, they can, they just don't agree with you.
I feel sorry for you and think you should get some help for your anxiety or your controlling nature, whichever it is that makes you behave this way.

Also, his 'disregard'? Maybe that's exactly what it is and you shouldn't be together. If he wanted to be in contact then he would be. The answer is clear, isn't it?

I think YABU.

As an example, my DP is working away for a few days this week. I saw him before we both left for work about 7am on Tuesday morning and he'll be back Friday afternoon. But we don't message or speak whilst he's away (unless there's something specific to say).I wouldn't expect him to keep in constant contact.

I WAS HURT BECAUSE HE NEVER RANG/TEXT

He did ring. At 5.20. You missed the call.

Frankly, you sound unhinged.

OP I wonder if it’s the pressure that’s being put on him to make contact when he’s back in the room that’s making him distance himself.
I absolutely hate being told or requested what to do, and feel quite suffocated by ‘text when you’re home / when landed / when arrived at hotel’ I find it really hard to deal with and makes me far note likely to go silent or distant to that person.

@DistanceCall

🙄x 100.
Why didn't you finish of that quote? How pathetic that I have to repeat on here that a discussion was had before when he previously went away about him letting me know when he was back at hotel. He did AGREE he would do this as he "understood where I was coming from" (HIS words)

Jesus. How hard is it to understand that?!? Sometimes feel like I'm speaking another language on here with posters.

@LuluBellaBlue

May well be.
But tbf, I hadn't even mentioned it on the day or the weeks before because we've been really busy having work done to the house and both of us coming back from work really tired, putting kids to bed and just lounging on sofa. I actually forgot he was going until he reminded me the week before!

In saying that, a discussion did take place back in October when we were on holiday, kind of a heart to heart where I asked him if it was me who was going away, what would he expect?
He responded yes I would like you to ring and txt me especially before bed so I know you're safe.

Op YANBU imo (lots of acronyms there!)

Ready for the slating, but my OH and I are both self employed (so we can be on our phones in the day). On a normal day we will talk 2-5 times a day, just quick chats, how we are getting on, what the kids have been doing etc. When he goes away he rings me less (if with other people) but we always talk first thing in morning, last thing at night etc. I would (and have) gone mad when he didn't reply/ call when away, but to be fair to him once I talked to him about how I felt when he was off having a good time & I just wanted to know he was OK, he improved 100%.