Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

It was delivered but He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

YANBU imo. There is no good reason to ignore a text/call in this situation. In fact, after you've told him you are worried about it etc its even more disrespectful. He should be trying to put your mind at ease, not make it worse.

And who doesn't want to speak to their other half while they are away? Him going away and practically expecting not to have to bother with you until he is back is a big red flag imo. It would indicate that he seems to think he's a free man with no responsibilities.

No communication is not acceptable for me I'm afraid. If DP goes out I won't bother him all night but if I do need to text him them I expect a reply and vice versa, I'd always reply to him if I was out. He'd probably worry that I'd got too drunk and something had happened to me or something stupid but its just common courtesy & respect to respond. (All within reason and so long as the other person isn't being a controlling string and trying to ruin the other's night obviously).

He didn't notice it until half past midnight - maybe he'd dozed off, woke up, saw the message, realised it was too late to answer OP and shut his eyes again.
The next morning, obviously he wasn't going to answer a message asking if he was having a nice evening.

Do people always comment on every text they get, from people who text constantly?

When my dh works away I'll speak to him couple times during the day then Skype in evening.Its always been like this though.

I appreciate everyone's comments
I can't really talk to ppl irl about this as the women I know don't have partners that work away...

I just wanna divert ppl to those men who do cheat when working away, how can you sieve them out and look for signs of cheating??? I'd say a lack of contact could be a sign?
How else are you supposed to know,?

I would say lack of contact was not a sign at all actually. But you are literally going to drive yourself mad and your partner away if you carry on thinking like this.

No one knows if your partner is cheating. Agreeing to have a relationship with someone is tacitly agreeing to trust that they won't. You need to work on your own reaction to this not his actions, whatever the situation with him and any other women.

@EtVoilaBrexit

Thanks so much for your response.
I do feel stupid now cos of these responses I'm getting
But I don't get it
Because there has been a fair few threads on here of men cheating whilst away and I've noticed a pattern with the wife having hardly any contact with husband and then when he returns she usually find a Evidence in his phone

I don't know about lack of contact being a sign. It isn't for me because I'm low contact but not cheating when away. I suspect a person could keep in regular contact to attempt to cover their tracks.

What's your DH like when he's at home? Is he caring and thoughtful? Do you have any reason at all to suspect him of cheating? If not, you could ruin your relationship with jealousy. But if you have actual suspicions based on his behaviour that's another matter.

@Kisskiss

And to all those who are saying least he txt u
That's not the point tho
We had a heart to heart previously about him working away n how I struggled
So I did ask him that just a good night txt or call would make such a difference

Yes he txt but then didn't bother to reply at night
It's easy to txt during the day as he works in a building on a computer n constantly says how boring it is
The more respectful thing to do would be txt when he was at hotel or about to go to bed?! This is what I would do it's just that little effort to show he's thinking about me

@Eliza9917

You're the only person you think IANBU!!! I feel outnumbered and shocked here!

My EXH worked away and he was cheating. I think I always knew deep down but did not want to acknowledge it. My DH whom I have been married to for 8 years works away most weeks for a few nights. It does not even cross my mind that he is cheating yet I should feel that way due to previous history.

I think if not replying to you is all you Have to go on then no. However I get the impression there are other reasons why you think he maybe cheating?

Because there has been a fair few threads on here of men cheating whilst away and I've noticed a pattern with the wife having hardly any contact with husband and then when he returns she usually find a Evidence in his phone

Nobody is going to be posting on here saying their DP went on a business trip, didn't contact them much, nothing happened and they came home.

Imagine how you would feel if he accused you of having an affair because he called you, you didn't answer and then chose to text him back.

Lack of contact when away could be a sign of cheating. There is no denying it. However as pps have said it doesn't mean he is. Your ,imo, unwarrented paranoia will only drive you mad and possibly drive him away.

Stop reading other threads looking for clues that match your situation. You'll drive yourself crazy, it seems like you already are.

There is no good reason to ignore a text/call in this situation.

There are perfectly good reasons for not txt or calling someone at half midnight unless there's an emergency! Unless you know their phone is on silent, it's rather rude and inconsiderate to wake them up.

If your partner has texted you earlier in the evening, that's more than enough. If he wasn't alone at the restaurant, it's not terribly sociable for the rest of the table either!

The OP wasn't ignored, there were enough messages during the day and evening, sorry.

You do realise that technology isn’t 100% infallible? You may have sent a text at 7pm and he may not have actually received it till midnight. It’s always happening to us, sat watching Eastenders and a text will arrive that the old man sent at lunchtime. Even yesterday, he rang me saying ‘I just missed a call from you’, when I hadn’t even touched my phone in the last hour. Give the guy a break!

But if he did text you to say goodnight and he was now back at his hotel and going to bed would you believe him? Would it really put your mind at rest? He could be anywhere and send a text. Either you trust him or you don’t.

@Issy777 Tue 04-Dec-18 13:14:58
Eliza9917

You're the only person you think IANBU!!! I feel outnumbered and shocked here!

You won't get proper responses here, it will be a race to the bottom on who can have the least contact with their DP's as possible. i.e.

I work away and don't speak to my partner from the morning I get up on the day I am going away until the day after I get back.

Even when not working away, we only grudgingly speak once a year to say merry Christmas and then go back to ignoring each other completely as much as we can.

We certainly never ever do any of the other's washing, and I would never contemplate cooking for my other half. Once we had children we made one 1 minute phone call every month when working away to talk to the kids.

We don't pool money either, oh no! Everything is split exactly down the middle. Not even proportionately based on income, a complete 50 50 split.

We certainly don't buy each other birthday presents, I mean, who wants anything nice once in a while? No one needs to feel appreciated or valued through actions, we treat each other like colleagues to avoid any misunderstandings

Tbh I don't know why some people on here bother being in a relationship.

those men who do cheat when working away, how can you sieve them out and look for signs of cheating?
Look up "ten signs of cheating", or the Mumsnet Scrupt - those lists turned out to be pretty accurate for me.
But mine was away for three years, working in the week, coming home weekends, and I'm pretty sure now that he was chatting women up and went to bed a few times with one. I didn't see anything then. It was when hestopped working away in the week that he had his big affair, and his character and habits totally changed - he became nasty, cold, wouldn't smile at me any more, wouldn't go to bed at the same time as me, walked separately to me and the kids went out. I realised he was texting someone, and found out who; he had plausible excuses for talking to her so I couldn't prove anything. Knowing that he made it more and more blatant, coming home every night at 9 or 9.30, staying away overnight and saying he'd slept on a colleague's sofa, putting his phone on the table set up to ring, vibrate and flash so the whole family knew he'd got a message - not from her, of course, oh no.

Usually you aren't "supposed to know", that's the whole idea - and if someone doesn't want you to know, you very likely won't know. In my ex's case I think he half wanted me to know, or was hoping I'd chuck him out anyway - basically he didn't want it to be his fault that we broke up, but at the same time he wanted to be with OW.

To me it sounds like you have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think that your dh is having an affair. It sounds like your anxiety making you think that he is. The poor man is supposed to ring/text several times a night because you have a problem - and even when he does ring and text you are still suspecting him of a affair when he doesn't answer you instantly. That's not fair on him. You need to deal with your problem, and not pass it n to him. You need (more?) counselling, therapy, medication, whatever it is you do to deal with your problem.

Even if he is this very moment lying in bed with three other women, you still need to deal with your problem. You can't live like that, constantly thinking the worst of people.

@Tvci5

Good point. Tbh, that would have done for me. Maybe a few months ago I would have answered no to this but I've been trying hard to accept he does have to work away (I've made many previous posts about this) but the fact is I find it a bit disrespectful that all he had to do was just reply to my txt, that would show to me that he was regarding my feelings or even just thinking about me. It doesn't take more than a minute to just reply with "had a good night, back at hotel now" or something like that

He phoned you at 5.
He texted you back at 6.
He texted you back at 7.
But what you focus on is him not texting back at 8.

And suspecting someone of having an affair because they don't text you back immediately is what I would call "disrespectful".

@ravenmum

Again with the hyperbole on here
When have I stated that he SHOULD be ringing more than once?!? FFS READ MY ORIGINAL POST.

I missed HIS call! Not the other way round, if I was so DESP for his contact I would be sitting with my phone waiting for his call. Not only did I miss HIS call, I responded after 2 hours. I didn't even ring him back cos I knew he'd be out eating, I txt him a few txts asking where he was eating as he gets food allowance and always tells me about what food he's trying out trying to make the most of it

The last txt of mine was "did u have a good night?" Sent at a REASONABLE time if 8pm. I did NOT txt him again because I never send more than one message. Neither do I ring . I just wait til he replies and he didn't which is why I was so annoyed

Not only did I miss HIS call, I responded after 2 hours
So you didn't answer his call immediately. Are you having an affair?

No need to swear at me. I read your post.

He messaged you frequently with pictures and then went drinking and wasn't in the phone all night. You're massively massively overreacting.
Are you receiving therapy? You sound very dramatic

@ravenmum

And again it's not the fact about him responding right away it's the fact he didn't txt or call when at the hotel
Or even before going to bed
Then in the morning

Because like Iv said during this thread we did have a discussion about this I was complete honest n said to him if it was me working away I would always make effort to send a goodnight txt n he agreed to do this

So my mistake I should have worded this better, that he's gone against an agreement we made and that is MY issue.

@TheWiseWomansFear

But today he has stated he did not go drinking, he never mentioned he would be going drinking either so again I found it hurtful how he didn't send just one txt about when he was back to hotel