Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

YABU - he probably just hasn't looked at his phone as been busy/ it's not polite to be texting while chatting to other people!

My DH works away quite a bit. Usually 2-4 nights at time once every 3/4 weeks.
Sometimes he goes on his own, sometimes with colleagues. This week it's a female colleague. Can't say I'm concerned. Yes it sometimes goes long periods (24-36 hrs) without a message/ call, but when he's working away it's usually long hours and intense work and doesn't get an opportunity to look at his personal phone at work. So might be at work early & straight for food after without going back to hotel and phone runs out of battery or just hasn't had chance to message. So it could be late (midnight-ish) before he's back, showered and charged/turned his phone back on and seen his messaged. By that point he probably thinks too late to message back as doesn't want to disturb me. Or it has happened that he's been so knackered after work he's a quick sit on his bed for a few minutes to chill then woke up several hours later!

If he's out for dinner with colleagues he normally sends me a picture of his dinner or somewhere he's been for a walk. But if it's a social evening I might not hear anything as it's not polite for him to be on his phone while out with other people!

But equally he's been a bit miffed when he's come back to hotel early evening to try and Skype us and we've gone out for food/ a treat etc and not back until bedtime!

Don't panic OP

YABU its not even that late to be going to bed. He may not have been drinking all night he may have been watching a film, preparing work, gone to sleep and woken up for a wee and read the text then anything really. If he is going to cheat he will regardless of where he is or how often he texts you.

I think it depends tbh.
H has done a lot of travel for work beforeand so did i.

We’ve always known roughly what we were each doing. So I’m at the restaurant and then bed.
Or I’m out with a client/colleague and didn’t comme back until late. That was hard work! Etc....

I wouod have had more issues with him clearly been up or out until 12..0~1.00am and never mentioning going out.

I’ve had a similar issue with H years ago when consultant put me in the pill extremely depressed and anxious. I was terrified that everyine was going to die and H been late by 15mins than usual wouod send me in a tail spin. Knowing it was the pill didn’t help either! He systematically refused to let me know if he was leaving work a bit later probably thinking along the same lines than some posters - I was just hard work. The thing is, that was years ago, I didn’t have a choice in taking the pill (it wasn’t for contraception reasons) and the hurt I felt then is still very present....

So I wouod say that just as yu need to get your anxiety under control as much as you can, communicating with you would help a hell of a lot and is what caring about your partner is about.
I dint mean answering to any text at any time in the next 5 mins. But it’s talking about what’s happening when he is away. Keeping you in the loop and basically keeping the communication lines fully open rather thanretreat8ng Behring the ‘you are hard work and controlling. I’m not going to do that.matomps feet like a toddler type of attitude’

I used to work away a couple of days a week. DH did longer but less frequent trips, say two weeks a couple of times a year. We always text to say good morning, then at the end of the work day we would text and arrange to speak when we were back at home / hotel respectively.

I don't think it is weird to try to keep in touch, however you knew he was at dinner and kept on texting him which is a bit much.

When we first started out my OH and I squabbled over his lack of communication while he was working away. Not because I didn't trust him, all I wanted was a phone call to say good night or if I sent a text asking a question that he reply BEFORE he started to share photos/videos on FB. It just annoyed me the idea of him reading my text and then getting distracted on FB and totally forgetting about it!

All is good now. He calls every night before he goes to bed to say goodnight

OP you've not replied.... Should we be paranoid or are you busy

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

I get a single quick phone call when he gets to the hotel. That's it, if I miss it I may call him back when I notice, or try ringing, but if he doesn't answer that's OK, he will be with customers, colleagues or asleep!

You sound very very needy.

Why two threads about this OP?

I work away a lot and have done since I met my husband 14 years ago. I travel with colleagues (male and female) and alone and meet with clients or work at one of our remote offices. I have NEVER so much as looked at another man when working (even over the last 6 months during very difficult times in my marriage). I work long days, often have client or work dinners in the evening and yes I do spend a lot of time at the bar afterwards but despite a vine or two it is still work - we are normally discussing projects or, in the rare event I am meeting new people, just establishing a level of familiarity that makes remote working easier in future.

I try to call once each early evening to catch my DD but even that is sometimes hard to time so will send a video message. DH and I occasionally pass a few messages if there is something interesting to share or say or we need to sort something out (or I hate my client and want to moan to him or he wants to tell me about the shit that happened to him that day!) Sometimes I don't see messages for hours. If her got paranoid everytime I didn't reply until late we'd be in trouble!

I think you are being massively paranoid and crazy and you risk driving him away. Deep breaths!

@NonaGrey was going to ask the same

My husband travels a lot for work as well and occassionally we don't speak/ message for a whole day or more (sometimes I'm busy, other times he's busy). I don't worry what he's up to - I trust him 100% unless he gives me a real reason not to- besides, a text isn't evidence they're behaving... anyone can easily cheat while making sure they message their partner back. I think you should try and work on how you're feeling. Forcing him to message you makes it a chore and rather than have time to miss you, he'll have your nagging in the back of his mind.

Well t h would you come back to a thread telling you are ‘crazy and paranoid’ when you started by telling people you have some MH issues, are clearly anxious in the first place??

And is it always the case that people/women are just hard work when their DP isn’t contactable in the evening when they are away with work? It’s never about their DP actually cheating whilst away on a business trip? And no woman on MN has ever got insecure about work trip with a female colleague?

I don’t think the OP deserved that ANY of those answers and with that level of aggressivity.

And then you wonder why people aren’t coming back

If you were my friend OP I would say you need to take a deep breath and relax. If you keep going the way you are you will push him away... it’s a bit much to expect him to have a text conversation with you whilst he’s out with others.
I think it’s good that he tried to call you, then sent a few texts after and a photo..

If you were a man, people here would be piling on you for being controlling and borderline abusive.

And they would be right. Your husband doesn't read your text and you this that's "disrespecting" you? (After he sent you pictures of where he was having dinner and you bombarding him with messages).

He's going to get fed up and leave if you carry on like this. Up to you.

OP

I used to run a B&B where we had businessmen (and women) staying during the week, some of them for four nights every week for years. I can assure you, none of them were getting up to anything. Also, we had bugger-all mobile signal (very rural) where we were so you'd have done well to get through to them anyway

I realise I can't reassure you about every man who works away from home but, you know, most of them are good blokes.

But @EtVoila a phone call or text from him doesn't mean he isnt cheating any more than not making a phone call or sending a text means he is cheating.

Unless I was in the first flush of being in love, this level of constant texting would irritate me. It's too much.

As someone who is pretty anxious and paranoid myself, you need to manage this better.

You are basically blaming him for the story that is forming itself in your mind (and I know the phenomenon).

I think you need to agree with him what level of contact you need - eg please text at 5 and then before you go to bed or something and then sit tight (and find something else to do) in between. In the nicest way if he's going to cheat he can do it in between contacting you. Practise letting go a bit.

Either you trust him, or you don't, it's simple as that. It doesn't matter how many times you text or how quickly he replies. It proves absolutely nothing either way!

If you have trust issues, or you feel that he doesn't pay you enough attention, that's what you need to address.

I don't get the point of "rules" about communicating with each other, unless it's to include a child and you need some kind of agreement. DH and I whatsapp more than text, throughout the day, if we are in the same country of not. We have some kind of ongoing conversation, but we reply when we can, it might take 1 hour, it might take 12! The first one going to bed tends to send a good night to the other, who might be out drinking, working late and will see the message hours later.

It would drive both of us mad if we felt under pressure to reply within a certain timescale! It's a relationship, not a prison sentence, and we are not children.

What you can do is tell your DH that you feel very anxious to go to bed without hearing from him, and a quick note in the early evening would help you relax and sleep. Just allow the poor man to have a life and don't expect him to be glued on his phone all evening.

I only text when it's urgent, so DH knows that whatsapp messages can safely be ignored only convenient

Oh bless you, I used to be like this. No advice, but I got it under control and now any text is nice, but I expect no contact. Makes life easier!

your expectations are OTT. I would be well pissed off with you if I were your partner and I have never cheated on anyone...

When my ex was working away we hadn't got into Whatsapp, so would only contact each other if we had something to say.

He had his biggest affair with a woman in the same town. They even went on holiday together - he claimed it was business trips. He skyped me from their hotel room, with her sitting out of sight.

You can't control other people.

It's so horrible to feel like this. But I reckon you need to let go or you'll drive yourself mad.

You may not trust your partner and you may even have good reason. All your fears might be true, etc. Perhaps you're just annoyed that isn't thinking about you, while he's away. But you're never going to solve that by worrying at home about something you can't control. Try to talk to someone else. Maybe plan short terms ways you'll control NOT messaging him, etc. Text a friend instead?

My partner works away a lot. So did I for ages. We generally have a phone call each day, but sometimes not, if we're busy. Quite honestly. I worry about him overworking, not whether he's thinking about me or not.

When I work away sometimes DH won't hear from me all evening because I'm in the hotel bar with my male colleagues. I'm not shagging them - I find networking perfectly effective with my clothes on. This kind of attitude - that male and female colleagues socialising is somehow dangerous - harms women's careers.

Now that's out of the way, from one formerly anxious person to another you've got to get a grip. If he's going to cheat on you he'll find a way. You won't be able to stop it by keeping tabs on him. If there's no evidence of anything going on other than your own paranoia you've honestly got to leave it alone or you're going to make your life unbearable and damage your relationship.

I work away for 1-3 nights once a month. I will sometimes call early evening to speak to the kids if they are not doing activities, then text goodnight to my OH as I go to sleep .