Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

The problem is OP that your 8pm message sounded like checking up on him and so, given that he'd tried ringing and had exchanged messages with you, he could well have thought that it was a bit much, particularly when he's eating (presumably) with colleague - it's seriously annoying when someone is constantly checking their phone in front of you. So I'd assume that he didn't reply because he felt it was too much or disrespectful to colleague. And maybe he forgot he'd not replied. Replying at midnight risks waking you.
I know what it's like to feel anxious and panicky in a relationship - been there with someone who was likely to cheat (and probably did) - but it just makes you feel crap. Focus on the fact that he'd tried to ring you and that he did text earlier in the evening. And try to lay off the texts a bit when he's away for YOUR sake as well as his. You'll feel better for it,

Tvci5 Tue 04-Dec-18 13:48:42
But if he did text you to say goodnight and he was now back at his hotel and going to bed would you believe him? Would it really put your mind at rest? He could be anywhere and send a text. Either you trust him or you don’t.

I think its more a case of the DP being told about the OP's thought process etc, him agreeing to call and then not calling despite knowing it will wind her up.

Not calling when he said he will is disrespectful. Surely, in all the hours of the day, he could take one minute to call? If excusing yourself for 2 mins is so rude to colleagues etc how downright fucking rude is it not to call your wife?

Life/work balance isn't right if you can't take a minute out of your day to call your DP.

For what its worth OP I have been cheated on and i know people who have been cheated on or indeed been the person cheating. In the majority of cases there was no working away. And in 2 of those cases the OW was the wife's own mother.

Hi op
Maybe you need to re-have that conversation. The agreement about contact when you or he is away working needs to be comfortable for both parties. Perhaps you both spoke about this and he understood one thing, whilst you understood another...
You can’t force someone to do something that’s not natural to them/that they don’t want to.. so the question is what he feels natural doing ( I guess to him calling you once that day, then texting you a few times after was enough) vs what you want ( a final good night text ) ... it’s tricky because if you nag too much he will feel less and less inclined to do what you are asking as it becomes more of a chore .. I’m saying this as I nag my dh over some things he does which annoy me and it sometimes has the counter effect...
I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s possible to get to that happy point, but the compromise can’t all come from his side.. you say u want the good night text, but can you maybe try to adjust to his point of view and his situation and what he wants ( he contacted you a few times even though he was with company and was probably tired/maybe fell asleep/thought it was enough contact) and let things slide sometimes..

@RangeRider

Ok I see this but tbf how else could I have worded it?!? All I txt was "that looks good, how's your night been?x"

I don't think that sounds controlling at all?!?! Iv sent worse txts in the past
But I only asked this because he had txt saying he was eating in the restaurant at 7 so after I replied a bit later on Cos thought he might have been back at hotel or at the hotel bar which he usually does when he's away at this location

I've got to be honest, OP, you do sound very high maintenance. My DH works away on certain projects (he was Monday-Friday in Sweden for 9 months!) and since I know he's flat-out busy, I don't send him loads of texts or call non-stop.

He calls when he's finished work (usually 8pm ish) to say hi, say goodnight to the kids and have a 20 minute chat most evenings. Sometimes though it's just a text as he's been too busy or there's been work dinner etc.

On those occasions I don't tend to assume it's because he's having sex with a work colleague

Honestly if you keep looking for signs of cheating you will eventually either find cheating or end up single anyway, nobody is going to hang around to be mistrusted and controlled. You are being completely unfair and if you were posting about your oh doing this to you people would be telling you in what direction to run. You will be the one to ruin your own relationship

My Oh goes away a lot. As long as we communicate once a day that's fine with me. If you can you need to stop obsessing about what he's up to and just enjoy a few days off!

@Eliza9917

EXACTLY!!!
And I will say it again, if I was working away I would ALWAYS check in with partner not cos I'm paranoid but out of respect, we've been together 15 years n basically say we're each other's best friend as we do have a good relationship except when it comes to things like this!...

So I don't see anything wrong or out the norm with just a txt which would take less than a minute!

AND for everyone's info there was a time when he did this always, even without asking. It was like routine. However, since about two years ago he has stopped it - I've made several posts about this. Maybe I'm wondering why he's gone from doing things like sending goodnight msgs or calls when he's in bed (at one point was always FaceTiming) to now hardly anything
And seeming like he doesn't really want to txt. Hasn't even asked about our dds or anything!! I dunno maybe I'm looking too much into this but I have to say MN is rly good at pointing out behaviour changes indicating affairs etc! So what am I supposed to think?

@QuizzlyBear

Again, where have you got the impression that I want:expect him to ring me loads?!?! Can't understand posters on here it's like they twist everything the op says to suit their argument
REREAD again please, it was me that MISSED his call. I did not respond to him right away or even txt him
Until two hours after

I do NOT expect co start contact at all! Again, point out where I've said that?!?
We had an agreement that he would let me know when he's back in hotel

So yes your partner is doing the EXACT thing that I expect my DP to do. Ring/txt when he's at hotel and say goodnight to the kids NOT endless txts or contact through the day - how would that benefit me? I work as well and I get annoyed when he txts me during the day as I have a busy job,

All I wanted was one txt or call that along the lines of back at hotel and a goodnight

DH works away for a few days most months, sometimes a full M-F. Next year he has two 2 week trips planned. He usually texts to say he's arrived at the hotel safely as the trips usually involve a long journey, flights etc. I send him pics of the DC as he misses them. He calls/texts a lot some nights if he's on his own, but not other nights. I just leave him to it. I assume he is working, sleeping or "networking". It doesn't occur to me to doubt him.

I just wanna divert ppl to those men who do cheat when working away, how can you sieve them out and look for signs of cheating??? I'd say a lack of contact could be a sign?
How else are you supposed to know,?

Because if you are in a good relationship, you don't think that your partner may be cheating you. Yes, he may cheat on you - he may not be the person you think he is - and it's horrible.

But you really can't be in a relationship fearing that your partner will cheat. That's poison. Either you trust or you don't. He shouldn't have to be giving proof all the time that he isn't fucking someone else (nor should you).

Myself and my husband both work away fairly often, we send each other messages a lot, but more in the respect that we essentially do the same job, so if either of us sees anything truly horrific, which we do on occasion, we send it to each other to rip the piss out of. We send pictures to each other of our food sometimes too. We give updates on the DD and bastarding dog.

Last night we were on the phone most of the night, as I’ve been quite unwell recently and the world fell apart last night whilst he was away, I had an asthma attack and the dog used my duvet as his personal toilet. It’s a rare situation I hear from him quite so much though!

But it doesn’t sound like you have the easiest communication given that you are worried about him not behaving himself. Because he knows you think that, it probably seems very much like him replying to your messages is like playing into the paranoia.

where have you got the impression that I want:expect him to ring me loads?!?!

Probably from your OP where you said that he called you, then you texted back and forth for a while, then you sent a later text and appeared to be jumping to some very extreme conclusions from the fact that he didn't text you one FINAL time.

My DH texts if he doesn't call, but usually just once and not necessarily when he's back at the hotel - usually while he's out to dinner it at a bar with his workmates. I STILL don't assume he's going to sleep with them.

I found it hurtful how he didn't send just one txt about when he was back to hotel and I expect he found it hurtful that you felt the need to keep tabs on him and be texted when he got back to the hotel.

@QuizzlyBear

Well there's an obvious difference with just txting/calling someone to say you're back at hotel and safe
Than just replying to messages which HE sent first! As he had txt on the way there on train- I was at work n have actually had a go at him for txting me so much during the day as I work in a job that's demanding n we don't have the luxury to txt whereas his job is most office based so will be bored sitting on a comp n will txt

That's all fine n dandy. But my point was I didn't hear back from my txt I sent so didn't know if he was back at hotel or not (this is just a standard thing you'd expect when working away)

Ok, I'd say yes maybe YANBU to be confused/slightly hurt that he hasn't text you back after your last one... but 'distraught' is an extreme! I think there needs to be a little more trust here. If it turns out he has been cheating then fair enough, but today is a new day.
I feel for you but think your anxiety is getting the better of you :(

I really don’t know why you are setting so much store on him sending you a goodnight text and are seeing this as evidence he isn’t cheating. He could quite easily text you at midnight whilst lying next to an OW.

Ok, so his behaviour has changed and it seems to you that he's not thinking about you as much as he used to, even when you bring up this specific change and ask for some reassurance. That seems like a different question to the one in your OP.

In my view it's still a bit of a jump to 'he could be cheating'. Have you ever worked away from home? I think part of the reason you're getting these responses is that those of us who do work away are (a) aware of the intensity and work pressure that sometimes happens when working away, and (b) not cheating on our partners.

So while it's possible to cheat while working away, a lack of late night contact isn't necessary indicative. A change in behaviour might be, but personally it wouldn't be enough to make me suspicious. Unless there are other indications? Is your partner glued to his phone? Had he started being nasty to you? Does he hide his financial transactions?

And as a pp pointed out, he can text that and still be out drinking or shagging or whatever. Maybe your insistence on all this contact is what’s made him change his behaviour?

You said you’ve sent worse texts before? How much worse?

I think you need to chill out a bit or you’ll drive him away

OP: AIBU?

90%: YES

OP: No I'm not.

You really seem quite aggressive in your replies on here.

Do you want people to lie and tell you what you want to hear?

And texting every hour wouldn't be a sign of someone not cheating anyway!

These are your own trust issues. Only you can solve them. It's not up to him to constantly placate you.

If I worked away and felt that my partner 'needed' me to text at bedtime to 'reassure' them that I'm not cheating I'd be fucking offended.

Unless he has form you're being totally U.

He probably had a good night, saw your text at half 12 and thought 'well she'll be asleep by now' and then this morning he's woken up hung over!

My DH works away one night a week, I have no clue who he's with or how late he gets in, sometimes he calls to say night and sometimes he doesn't. I do know that he loves me and I trust that he's not cheating on me, if I didn't trust him I couldn't be with him.

Ok I see this but tbf how else could I have worded it?!? All I txt was "that looks good, how's your night been?x"
I think you should have left the 'how's your night been?' off. That's the bit that could be translated as 'what are you doing & who with?' That may not be what you meant, but if I received it I'd be wondering if you were checking up on me. And that's what texts back & forth when you know they're with someone can seem like. You may be genuinely interested in his food & trusting him completely, but you run the risk of it coming across differently. And of pissing off anyone he's with who has to put up with the constant beeping & reaching for his phone! Once you'd established he was out for a meal you'd have been better off leaving him in peace & not texting till bedtime (and then sticking to 'off to bed, hope your evening was good, awake till x if you want to text/ring else sleep well')

A text a day is plenty. Some days we chat via text or phone. Some days it is a quick “hi”. Time of day is flexible.

I also sometimes travel for work. It would drive me crazy if my husband wanted me to check in on a specific schedule. Work travel can be very busy.