Would you be pissed off/annoyed , IABU?

[Issy777]

I don't know if I should kick up a fuss or not, I admit I'm quite paranoid due to my GAD which can spiral out of control...
So often works away, he can go for a week or three nights every month...
The last few times he went was difficult we always ended up arguing but I did say to him all I want is a little reassurance, like a phone call or a txt when he goes to bed etc. He usually goes with a female colleague.

Last night was first night, he rang at 5.20 but I had missed the call, so I txt him around 6, he replied saying he was eating out at Greek restaurant sent pic etc, then txt about two more txts back at fourth at about 7ish. The last txt I sent was 8, I had asked him if he was having a good night - trying my hardest not to be paranoid and just be nice/normal. It was delivered but
He never read it til 00.27!!!!
And then no reply
And even this morning no txt.

I'm so upset. I know I might be overreacting but the fact he didn't even reply to my txt or bother ringing or txting shows his disregard to me?

Also shows he probably went out drinking as why else would he be awake at that time? It doesn't explain why he didn't read msg straight away though or earlier. I don't wanna cause another row, he's there for two more nights and I'm just distraught at how he's behaved. AIBU?

For all the women who have partners working away what is the standard protocol for communication etc?

It doesn't help I've read about 5 threads on here in the past few weeks about DP/DH's living double lives having affairs whilst they've been "working away"

Please help me in what I should do next?

"Why don't you kindly fk off from this thread you sad old cow, no wonder you can't make any friends"*

Uncalled for and on that, I'm out

Pathetic

@SparklyMagpie

That's a fair point too, but see if I start questioning that, I'd be back here writing another post !
Yes it in theory it does sound odd but this is an issue he has mentioned before, he always says I never ring him "like other women ring their boyfriends "

I think next time I will just ring him and see how he reacts. If he seems annoyed, distant I can throw that back at him why does he tell me to call then? It'll be interesting to see next time he's away

I assume that deleted comment was aimed at me yawn

No sparkly, she attacked all of us, said mumsnet had a bad rep due all the alpha females ruining it, and some other choice but general abuse.

I think next time I will just ring him and see how he reacts. If he seems annoyed, distant I can throw that back at him why does he tell me to call then? It'll be interesting to see next time he's away

Your relationship sounds very disfunctional, with both of you playing mind games. The level of drama from both of you sounds unhealthy, particularly when you end up dragging your children into it by rowing in front of them.

If your dh won't go to counselling, you should do so yourself. For the sake of your children, you need to sort this out.

Your comment to, I think, SparklyMaggie was unbelievably nasty and uncalled for.

@Bluntness100 ahh right, cheers :)

Can't say I'm surprised 😂 I think there's only one sad cow on this thread

Yes, hot on my post of asking her to step back and look at her behaviour as she became abuse if people didn't behave as she wished, she rolled right up and showed us all just how abusive she could get.

The thing is the only person this will ultimately damage is her, her partner will leave, friends family kids will disengage,

@SparklyMagpie

The comment was not to you at all. I didn't have a problem with what you said it was @DistanceCall

If you scroll up and have a look at her comments, she's been unnecessarily nasty for no reason that even another poster had to tell her directly not to been so harsh, her then response was to tell them to F off.
Scroll up, the evidence is there.

I'm a firm believer if you can't take backlash then don't dish it out. She was purposely nasty first

Issy777 What the previous poster said to me was:

Distancecall please rtft before commenting because that is exactly what the op is having to deal with now after her husband was nasty to her in front of the children.

*If you can't be helpful after reading her updates then p off"

My reply was deleted because I told her to kindly f off (when obviously I should have told her to p off, which is what she said to me).

I had read the thread. You started a row in front of your children. I still think you are behaving like a deranged person.

YABU. If my husband or myself is away for a couple of days I expect a text goodnight and a reply, or at least a 'still at dinner, sleep tight'. And a text in the morning or update during the day is nice.
He is being very good really, he rang you and text a few times in the evening, and then probably didn't want to wake you at midnight when he checked his phone properly.

Yanbu. I think I would have double checked that they were coming with seats though if I didn't have any spares to avoid any embarrassment on the day.

Sorry wrong thread x

You are definitely going to loose him. What your doing is abusive, you may have issues creating this paranoid reasoning. If he was writing the OP I would advise you to leave him, he is dangerously paranoid.
OP either learn to trust or go at it alone

After catching up on thread. I am taking back my flowers. You are very angry and abusive OP, not only to your DH but helpful pps. You DH should walk away from you, is it any wonder he is stressed and losing weight.

I am not buying it.

You post saying your husband ignored your text and then he was leaving you due to your behaviour, and now amazingly he is upset because you aren't texting and ringing him enough.

It doesn't add up. I am not convinced that you aren't making up the stuff about your husband wanting you to contact him more, in the attempt to make yourself look less 'clingy'.

If you are being totally honest then I wonder if he is saying it to try to placate you. Or maybe your relationship is just unhealthy and you are both playing some kind of game.

Who jumps from wanting to end it with you because of the way you reacted to him not texting you back to becoming upset because you don't text them enough?

I actually see nothing wrong with wanting a text or call before going to bed. When I am overnight at work I send a good night message or quickly call and we are only apart for 24 hours. If for some reason I didn't get around to it he wouldn't care and would assume I was busy and forgot.

Your posts aren't adding up and the way you are posting is very telling.

@U2HasTheEdge

Why do you think I posted an update? Because I myself found it odd and wanted to see if anyone else thought it was too.

Actually if you look at my drip feeds I even mentioned my lack of contact to him - this was before he was back and say before I had the conversation with him.

A problem in our relationship we've had previously is my lack of communication but I have put this down to my anxiety/ fear of being rejected. It's so bad that I never call him unless he's called me first and I've missed it. I do mention this as well in this post, perhaps you've not followed this thread properly but another poster pointed out height do this on purpose to see if I do ring or txt him.

His anger came from how I cold shouldered him when he was back as he said he couldn't understand why he deserved that. Then went on to say that I act like this every time he's been away (probably some truth in that)
After we properly discussed it and I opened up that I was just devastated he never replied to my txt that's when he went on to mention that why can't I just ring him? Doesn't make sense etc
I even asked him 'accidentally on purpose' if it was unreasonable if I rang him in the evening and said no not at all! It shows you care, "it would be nice to have a chat"

So don't know what more I can say really. I think my GAD focused on the fact he didn't reply to my last message whereas his issue was 'if she really wanted to talk to me she should have rang me instead of taking it out on him when he's back'

Just leave it peoples. 10 pages in and it’s all more deranged than ever.

• OP royally pissed off that partner does not respond to her many messages. They need this for reassurance apparently.
• OP convinced partner is cheating.
• Partner returns home and is confronted by OP in front of the kids. Partner loses it, indicates they can’t handle the constant controlling behaviour and wants out.
• Partner says they are unhappy because OP doesn’t message them enough. OP is triumphant because THEY ARE RIGHT. Uhhmm ok.

Relationship is obviously dysfunctional. OP obviously has issues they need professional assistance with. OP can only ever be right and will rewrite reality to prove this. So all a lost cause from here really.

You've had a lot of stick on here, OP, which I don't think is completely deserved. I know that I have seen a lot of very similar things in my relationship, and my partner will also twist things to make it seem my responsibility /fault that something is the way it is, and kick back when he feels criticised even if it is valid criticism. It's really hard to explain all this without it sounding ott at times. I find it incredibly frustrating reading this thread because it all sounds so familiar, yet ppl are accusing you of all sorts of inappropriate behaviour/responses, which are actually a reaction to the situation and dh's behaviour. I'm sure you must be terribly frustrated at this too!
And as for
You started a row in front of your children. I still think you are behaving like a deranged person
I think it's a rare person who can say they've never disagreed with a partner in front of the DC. And due to the circumstances, the disagreement turned into an argument. It takes two to tango, so is OP's dh deranged too? He could have backed off and discussed it at a later date away from DC. This sounds exactly like my h when he was trying to deflect from his cheating. He said it was because he was frustrated at being questioned... Funny that, as I was asking him about the tramp he had seen. So I don't think OP is deranged at all. Probably picking up on some vague, indefinable inconsistencies and behaviours which don't quite make sense yet. Happens all the time, if you are unfortunate enough to need to read infidelity forums. And most ppl find out down the line there was something going on. They were just being gaslighted.
Sorry he's being an arse OP.

@Madmozzie

Thank you so much. Posters like you have been fab because you've been through it and probably seen similarities.

As you can see, I completely ignored the previous pathetic poster because I wouldn't even waste a second of my energy replying to it. Absolutely hilarious.
Funny, I've made previous posts about my dp being emotionally abusive and had loads of women on the thread all screaming LTB. The difference is I've worded this post in a midst of one of my panic mode.

I think you're the only one seeing it for what it is - possible gaslighting. He has done this in the past. I know he has many issues with him anyway - I was actually tempted to even screenshot his messages on here as I think the sad majority on here have so got the wrong end of the stick here
Especially the one who claims "I started a row in front of the children" that was the saddest thing ever, acting like they were actually there like a spectator 😂😂
When in actual fact it was all HIM.

Because I was in such a frenzy I do see I may have overreacted with the whole txt scenario but he has cheated on me very early on in our relationship so maybe it stems from there or other things he's done but thank you again.
Just wanted to ask what other signs there were when you found out about your partner cheating?

@Issy777

I had no clue at the time, as he lived away from home through the week, and they didn't contact each other at the weekend. He behaved exactly as he normally would when I saw him, sex, going out through the day, speaking about the past and future, seeing his family etc. I'm still amazed he could be so duplicitous.

In the lead up to me finding out, the main reason I thought something had happened was that he said something which contradicted what he had previously said. I'd normally have thought nothing of it, but he'd not been communicating much while away recently, and I just found out that he didn't wear his wedding ring while away, and had developed quite a porn habit. He got angry and pretty aggressive and shouty when I asked him about stuff, which I attribute to him subconsciously trying to deflect attention and intimidate me into stopping (which he denies, but it certainly felt like it). I was floundering around without much info, but some of his explanations unravelled or became less likely the more I thought about it and asked. I wasn't getting anything out of him, so finally tracked down the tramp and asked her. Luckily, she'd grown a tiny bit of conscience since then, and admitted to the minimum. More came out from him later as a last ditch attempt to avoid divorce by being honest (for a change). Due to they way it came out, it seems likely there was more, although intellectually, I can see how this could be a one off he wanted to hide.
So if the OW or anyone likely to know the truth doesn't want to be honest, you're stuck, unfortunately. It's a shame there are so many ppl like that around. My advice would be to consider approaching anyone who may know and asking. Even if they don't admit anything, their reaction may give you some clue. (One friend of the tramp in my case was particularly rude and unhelpful, everyone else seemed very empathetic and helpful.)
Good luck.

DH is often out of town, he is right now. He will text me when he gets on the plane and off, then will call at dinner to say a quick hello and goodnight.

He will call at dinner each night he is away. It's unusual that we text during the day when he's working. Then he will text when he gets on the plane to come home and when he gets off. That's about it.

Jesus, now the op is being advised to ask his work colleague, and run around and ask anyone who might know if he's shagging around.

Fab poster indeed, if your relationship isn't already over, it will be when you've done that,

What's your advice @bluntness100? Let me guess, ltb without any proof? Nice one. It worked for me, OP can take whatever advice she pleases. Although out of the two of us, I know I've been in that position, and am offering my take on it from that perspective - have you been in the same position?

I worked away a lot more than your DP until I went on mat leave, if my DH was crafting me add much add you do I wouldn't reply either. I'd actually get annoyed that he didn't trust me. We'd disk by phone or text most days I was away but not always, and in my line of work it's quite expected to go out with colleagues in the evening, often but drinking but for dinner and socialising because sitting in a hotel room alone is pretty dull when you do it well in week out. I was often away with male colleagues, and sometimes just one, we'd go for dinner and be presumed a couple. DH had no issues with that and thought it was funny. The issues here are all yours not your partner's