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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
biggirlknickers · 03/12/2018 11:30

‘it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids’

That would be for the sake of your youngest two kids - what about your 16year old?

Plus, the behaviour the younger two are witnessing is entirely unacceptable. And what happens when your youngest becomes a difficult teen? Won’t your H turn on him too?

I think you need to leave. Do you have a plan?

NicePieceOfPlaid · 03/12/2018 11:32

You need to protect your child.

Original poster
YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:33

Hi, thanks so much for responding. No, I haven't a single clue.......

OP posts:
Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 11:33

My dad hit me as a kid, and my mother never intervened. I got through it, but it made me lose respect for both of them.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 11:35

It isn’t an unhappy marriage. It is a child being injured by a violent adult. You need to protect your children NOW.

The other kids will tell their parents then your childminding business is in deep shit.

Santasushi · 03/12/2018 11:36

He is physically assaulting your son and you don’t know what to do?

recklessruby · 03/12/2018 11:37

Leave. You're going to damage the eldest by staying.
16 is a tough age and this violence is unacceptable. Surely the younger dc don't think it's ok that their brother is getting hurt or their mum?
You need to show your dc violence has consequences.

Sunisshining5346 · 03/12/2018 11:37

If my DH went to smack my children, I would throttle him!
A baseball bat?! How horrible!

Your 16 year old is going to issues as an adult, with this on going battle. He night think this is normal and treat his children like this when he is older!
And your two younger ones will think the same.

It's your job as their mum to look after them and protect them. There doesn't need to be violence in a house to stop your children being naughty.

Handsfull13 · 03/12/2018 11:40

He's physically assaulting your child. Doesn't matter on age that it child abuse.
It doesn't matter that he isn't a threat to other children. He is a threat to one child and that's one too many.
Report him to the police and get legal help.

What happens when it goes from a baseball bat to the hand to across the body. Or if one of your other children get in the way while he's swinging.

You need to protect them all

seventhgonickname · 03/12/2018 11:42

He's hit your child with a baseball bat.What does he have to do for you to protect them or are you frightened too?
Call the police and get him out this is the only way to save your buisness because people will find out eventually.

biggirlknickers · 03/12/2018 11:43

You need a plan.

I’d say because you are dependent your home for your business you will need to get him out.

Have you considered reporting the auscultation on your child to the police?

biggirlknickers · 03/12/2018 11:44

Should say ‘assault’

recklessruby · 03/12/2018 11:45

I think he hit the OP with a baseball bat across the hand?

AdamNichol · 03/12/2018 11:45

Should your 16yr old report to someone a parent hit him with a bat, that'll kill your business pretty sharpish; and you're silence on the matter will appear as complicit/consent

RagingWhoreBag · 03/12/2018 11:48

You’re sabotaging your business by NOT reporting him and kicking him out. Children’s services and OFSTED are generally understanding if it can be shown that you have safeguarded all of the children in your care. If your poor DS reports his thug of a dad they will come down hard on you for covering for him.

If you won’t leave this idiot for your own sake, bear in mind that most angry and violent men come from angry and violent homes.

Regardless of how he feels about his dad at the moment, by accepting normalising this behaviour you are sentencing your DS to life as a violent controlling bully too. He will end up emulating his dad’s behaviour, like it or not. Poor kid.

And don’t for minute think it doesn’t affect the others because they’re not directly on the receiving end at the moment.

MumW · 03/12/2018 11:48

Your marriage is not setting your children a healthy role model for relationships. What are you going to do to ensure that your NSDH's (not so DH) abusive behaviour continues into the next generation?

NSDH is both financially and physically abusive. You need to contact Women's Aid and get help to LTB.

SaveKevin · 03/12/2018 11:56

Your younger children have learnt to comply better thats why he doesn't attack them. Children learn quickly how to appease. But what happens if they too test it?
If your son was walking down the street and someone hit him across the hand with a baseball bat you would call the police.
If someone bruised him whilst prizing his phone out his hand, you would call the police.
The financial abuse and controlling behaviour you are suffering is also now an offence. Thats right, his behaviour is that bad, not only could he be prosecuted for his behaviour to your son, but to you too.
If any of your children tell a teacher your business will be fucked, you can control this though.

Please please speak to women aid, and get out. This is no life. I have been away from mine for 13 years now and freedom is bloody amazing.

Blanchedupetitpois · 03/12/2018 11:57

I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids

It’s not for the sake of your kids when he hit your eldest with a BASEBALL BAT.

It’s for the sake of your kids that you need to protect them by getting out of this marriage.

I think you should call the police about the assault on your son. If you can’t face that, you still need to kick him out and initiate divorce proceedings.

Do you need help doing that? Do you have family you can rely on? If not, you should speak to women’s aid.

You can do this, and you will be so much better for it.

Safeandwarm · 03/12/2018 11:59

Purely in practical terms, in the case of your childminding business this could come out if you don’t leave your husband. If someone witnesses the abuse word will get around and your clients will not trust you anymore. If you do something, like call the police or social services, and are honest with your clients they are more likely to stay with you.

You say that your kids would like you to stay with their dad. This is all they’ve ever known, they might be scared of what will happen. So are you. Just imagine the relief of not walking on eggshells anymore. Even if your other kids are not being hit, they are living with that tension and fear, every day.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 12:07

I got smacked and hit and beaten by my Father, snooker cue broke over me, tennis racquet broken on my but that was normal in my family. I appreciate the discipline now that I am older and respect my Father. There was no other sociopath behaviour so what other signs is your partner showing. I wouldn't leave him over disciplining a teenage boy this way!

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 12:10

This is NOT discipline.

Ta77 I think your childhood has skewed your perception of discipline.

ScottyDog7 · 03/12/2018 12:10

Please leave.
My DF was quite physical with my brother, although he never hit him with a baseball bat. He would occasionally get physical with my and my sister but was never when my mum was around. He controlled the family, through his aggression, money and manipulation and the world (still) think's he's a great family man with a good job.
I spent my childhood trying to appease him all the time, I was always Daddy's girl to the world, but it was because I knew if I kept him happy he would be less likely to hurt me. Had no respect for my mum as she allowed all this to happen, but as an adult, I see that she was his longest victim.
This has left all 3 of us as adult children with issues.

GimmeGimmeHellYeah · 03/12/2018 12:11

Your poor son.

frazmum · 03/12/2018 12:11

Your DS8 won’t love him when he gets older and starts getting hit by his Dad.

DistanceCall · 03/12/2018 12:12

Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids.

That's abuse. Next time it will be he head. GET OUT NOW.