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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:10

A smack is a good thing in certain circumstances. Im not condoning violent behaviour anywhere.

That’s.... a really baffling couple of sentences.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 16:12

Everyone is making a massive comparison to smacking to abuse and violent behaviour from other people. This is so far from those examples im not entertaining an answer.

A smack of a 15 year old boy is definitely what I will do when my son speaks to me or is cheeky to me or his Father. This is a very rare occasion too.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 16:13

What would happen if he were to hit you back TA?

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:13

I’d love to know your definition of ‘violence’ TA and also how you reached that definition.

trulybadlydeeply · 03/12/2018 16:15

OP you have to report him, either to SS or to the police. Based on personal experiences, I would suggest the police. What he has done is physical abuse. What would happen if your DS's school ask him how bruises occurred? They will be obliged to report the situation if he tells the truth, and then they will also be looking at you, and why you have stood by and done nothing. You are risking your livelihood, and therefore I believe you are sabotaging your business by NOT reporting this.

He needs help to deal wit his anger, and he needs to acknowledge this now. if he is not willing to do this, then I don't see why you would want to stay with him. Finances etc can be sorted out, but you are allowing enormous damage to your DS1. It's not just the physical abuse, the emotional abuse and trauma he is experiencing has far more long term impact and consequences.

By staying in this relationship you are putting you and your DH needs above those of your children.

I am not saying any of this to be critical or nasty. Having been in similar circumstances I just want to urge you to put your children first and get out of this marriage now.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 16:17

MamaLovesMango

Tell me your definition of a smack?

Missingstreetlife · 03/12/2018 16:18

Lovesmalldogs. Yes victims will be damaged and their relationships affected.

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 16:19

TA77Blonde still dodging the questions as to how this might have affected the decisions you've made as an adult?

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:19

I’m imaging you know how to use a dictionary but I’ll help you if you like. Both from the OED.

violence 1Behaviour involving physical force intended to hurt, damage, or kill someone or something.

smack a sharp slap or blow, typically one given with the palm of the hand.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:20

Now please explain more about how a smack isn’t violence.

Missingstreetlife · 03/12/2018 16:20

Op you know if one of the kids you mind reported this you would treat as safeguarding. This will come out and you will be shamed.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:21

In fact if you use ‘smack’ as an adverb:

‘in a sudden and violent way.’

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 16:24

RiverTam

Im not dodging it as how can I compare to a life I didn't live. All I know is that I have had good and shitty relationships. I have 2 wonderful kids and I love them to pieces. I have a great network of friends and family and I love life. I live it to the Maxx. I wouldn't change a thing and am a happy person. I appreciate every day and I don't want for anything.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 16:27

MamaLovesMango

If I wanted a dictionary version Id have looked it up myself.. Obviously you and I have a different perception of these words ourselves and I respect you have a different way of bringing up kids. My kids love me and will probably think of me the way I do of my Father. The odd smack will also be appreciated in time as my siblings and I do.

Grannyannex · 03/12/2018 16:30

Violence is the worst discipline method. The child only behaves because he/she is scared and not because he/she has thought throught through their behaviour and reflected on morals

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:33

So WTF is a smack then?!

You don’t respect any differing opinions TA . Apparently non violent PC people like me are ruining the country. I think the word snowflake was waved about up thread.

I don’t think you can really talk about respect when you hit your kids.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 03/12/2018 16:34

I cannot believe anyone can read the (alarmingly casual) phrase ‘occasional bruise’ and think that this is a fantastic and commendable example of kids being disciplined properly Sad

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 16:42

MamaLovesMango

A smack is a open handed quick flick of the hand!

I fully appreciate everyone and their opinions, I don't have to like them though!

No need for the bad language, that's more abusive if you want to go down that route as you seem to have it in for me... And yes, people who let their kids rule the house as Id guess you do, lol, are ruining the country. Please do me a favour and stop messaging me! ;-)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 16:44

I've asked you what you do if your son hit you back TA.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:45

I’m not messaging you it’s a public forum, where swearing is allowed.

I don’t swear at my kids or hit them. My kids are well behaved, polite, respectful, thriving at school and extra curriculars and most importantly know that a) they are safe from violence at home and b) violence is wrong.

I don’t have it in for you, you’re just talking utter shit in a way that could be very damaging to people like the OP.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 16:46

And not one person agrees with you on this thread, so it isn’t just me.

RyVeeta · 03/12/2018 16:50

I am not brainwashed! lol. I was disciplined by my Father and yes it should be enforced these days.. The world would certainly be a better place if children had respect for elders the way they use to
Funny, that's exactly the way my ex dh was dragged up. He's on Clare's List now. Hmm

loveyoutothemoon · 03/12/2018 16:53

Fucking hell breaking a snooker cue on you, you're fucking deranged to think this is normal!

Wasywasydoodah · 03/12/2018 16:57

Tell the police - they can arrest your DH and get bail conditions pit on him to stop him coming in the home. Then go from there rebuilding your life in your home. You need the professional support here because without it, a few years down the line, your then exDH could be having unsupervised contact with DD and DS2, and this will be risky.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 17:00

I don’t swear at my kids or hit them. My kids are well behaved, polite, respectful, thriving at school and extra curriculars and most importantly know that a) they are safe from violence at home and b) violence is wrong. So are mine.

A smack isn't violence.
I didn't say cursing isn't allowed but it is abusive! Do your kids know you curse at strangers ? lol Miss Perfect.. Verbal abuse is violence!

Plenty of people agree with me on my views of smacking.

And no breaking a snooker cue on me isn't normal behaviour at all, I never said it was. But I got over it and my family didn't break down over a very rare incident like this either.

GreatDuckCookery - I will let you know if it ever happens, I don't imagine it will either.