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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:

MadMum101 · 03/12/2018 14:43

Was the baseball in his hand for a reason (as in just come in from playing it) or was it in his hand to use as a weapon? I wouldn't condone smacking anyone over the hand with one but context is needed.

We have scuffles in our house over refusal to hand over phones, refusal to get off the PlayStation etc but never have they involved weapons. I sometimes have to drag DCs away from each other too. Tshirts have been ripped in the process.

Anyone with teens and the tech we have these days knows how bloody difficult it makes parenting, and parenting teens is already difficult.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 14:51

I got the ruler across my hands and Im still alive
When someone hits you over the head with a baseball bat, please do let us know if you shrugged it off or if you phoned the police to report assault.

Don’t be so fucking stupid.

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 14:55

TA77blonde

and would you say, hand on heart, that that kind of discipline has done you no harm at all?

RhiWrites · 03/12/2018 15:01

Jesus, OP.

Say to yourself “the mugger hit me with a baseball bat”, “my boss hit me with a baseball bat”, “my boyfriend hit me with a baseball bat”.

Don’t all of those sound horrendous? Like something you’d report to the police.

Now read what you told us. Your husband hit your son with a baseball bat.

He’s abusive. Call the police and social services. You need to get yourself and your kids out of a situation where you have normalised abuse to the extent you can’t see how horrendous it is.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:05

MamaLovesMango - No-one got a baseball bat across their head! Im am no way stupid!

And if the baseball bat broke his hand that's a different matter! As I said, I got a snooker cue broken across my legs and yes I honestly hand on heart don't think it harmed me at all. This was over my whole childhood. Smacking was just part of it in the 70s.

If this lady leaves her husband because of a few incidents then you are all ridiculous for jumping on the "leave him" bandwagon! If there are signs of narcissistic sociopathic behaviour then yes, leave!

My Father worked hard, my Mother was a wonderful lady, my siblings were treated the exact same. We are all a loving family to this day!

Liverbird77 · 03/12/2018 15:11

@Rattinghat same here, and I still can't get past it at the age of 41. It isn't helped by my mum saying I "embroider" the truth. It's almost like gaslighting. Thankfully, my best friend of 35 years has seen it herself and could back me up. She should've left him. She just keeps saying things aren't that simple. Now I am pregnant myself, I know if my husband was violent towards our son, I would be gone.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 15:13

Having a ruler slapped on your hand and being hit over the head with a baseball bat aren’t even compatible.

Also, read the OP won’t you? It isn’t just a few instances of anger going on here, not to mention she has other people’s children in her house. Are you saying you’d be happy to leave your children in a house where this is happening? If a nursery worker or teacher used corporal punishment andbyoufound out, what would you do?

Fantastic that you don’t feel violence affected you, good for you but that isn’t the case for the majority of people, especially when there’s other circumstances and abuse involved.

I’m not sure what your Dad working hard has anything to do with it either, my husband works hard 7 days a week but has never felt the need to raise a hand to a child and if he did, I’d make sure he’d live to regret it.

LuvSmallDogs · 03/12/2018 15:14

I wish people would stop saying “your sons will end up beating people the same as their dad”.

FFS - would you say that about a child who was raped/witnessed rape when young, or is it only acceptable to tar male victims of non-sexual violence?

Should I be scared of my dad, whose father was violent to everyone in the family from his wife to the kids to the cat? Or another man I know whose dad was evil to him because he was born a boy and the dad only liked to molest girls?

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:14

Nicknacky

I am helping, giving a different opinion to all those on the leave him Bandwagon. I am no way condoning a violent or abusive relationship whatsoever. To me and in my experience this is discipline. Respect my opinion as I do yours.

recklessruby

Hes 16, the other kids love him! I say no more!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 15:16

Ridiculous how everyone is telling her to leave a marriage over this!

Oh really? It's not ridiculous that this father is abusing his young son? You think the OP should stand by her husband while he hits his son with a baseball bat?

Do you hit your children then?

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:16

MamaLovesMango

Its people like you that are ruining the country! PC plod!
And you read the OP! Noone got hit on the head!!!

Bambamber · 03/12/2018 15:17

Your children will grow up thinking this is acceptable behaviour. Will your want your daughter to end up in a relationship like this thinking it was normal?

The fact you think it's acceptable to have other people's children around this actually disgusts me

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 15:20

Do you know what politically correct (PC) even means?! It has nothing to do with violence towards people.

FYI I think you’ll find ‘people like me’ are contributing to the country by abiding by laws and raising children that won’t need to use violence to resolve conflict.

My kids will also know basic comprehension.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 15:22

I am no way condoning a violent or abusive relationship whatsoever.

But....

As I said, I got a snooker cue broken across my legs and yes I honestly hand on heart don't think it harmed me at all. This was over my whole childhood. Smacking was just part of it in the 70s.

And....

My Father worked hard, my Mother was a wonderful lady, my siblings were treated the exact same. We are all a loving family to this day!

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 15:23

Ta77 if this was a one off and her husband was remorseful I would possibly agreee with you. And I’m not one to say to posters leave their husbands but this child has been injured, bruised and struck with weapons by one of the people who supposedly loves them.

Honestly, would you hit your kid across the hands with a baseball bat? I doubt it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 15:23

Just because you were abused back in the day Ta77 doesn't make it right, of course it wasn't right you were hit with a snooker cue FFS. That's not the actions of a loving family.

Nanny0gg · 03/12/2018 15:25

Ta77Blonde

I'm a child of the 50s And 60s. I was smacked(quite a lot). With a hand. Never a belt, a cane, a bat or a snooker cue. And times have changed.

The OP's son is being assaulted.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:27

GreatDuckCookery

It is ridiculous. If this lady has other issues with her husband then yes choose to leave yourself. Smacking a 16yr old boy, yes with a baseball bat should not be the reason you leave and destroy a family.

Yes I smack my 15 year old son. Very rarely but on occasion it is called for. Raising children is not easy, and teenage boys are even more difficult at times. Not with a "weapon" though. Ruining a marriage over this is ridiculous. If the OP was on asking about constant abuse, terrorising the whole house hold then yes, that's something to consider leaving over, but she has stated the rest of the kids love him. She obviously has other issues with him herself which should be addressed.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 15:29

Ta77 she also says he is controlling, especially financially. Do you still think he is a loving, great father?

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:31

GreatDuckCookery

We are a loving family. We have great admiration for our Father and have often said that we appreciate the times we were smacked. (Both me and my sister) We appreciated this discipline, at the time we hated him but understand that it was done and we accepted it. We are a well respected family, kind, loving and generous and brought up well, as people say. I wouldn't change a thing. Ok Maybe the use of the snooker cue but the rest, it has served us well.

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 15:31

having taken a wee peek at TA's posting history, I'm not going to pay much attention to what she has to say.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 15:32

Smacking a 16yr old boy, yes with a baseball bat should not be the reason you leave and destroy a family

Well it would be for me. I wouldn't respect my husband if he did that to one of my dc and I doubt many women would stand by and watch their husband abuse their child like that. The OP says he very controlling, especially with money so overall this man doesn't look that great in my eyes.

So you've carried on the abuse to your teenage son I see? And no doubt he will do the same to his children and possibly his wife? And you think that would be ok?

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 15:34

Nicknacky

I didn't read that she was starving or poorly clothed.. This is the real matter at hand, not the disciplining of the son. I do believe there is more behind the initial message but my argument is that kids should be disciplined more than they are these days.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 15:35

You're father shouldn't be respected TA in any way, he sounds like a bully and one that has conditioned you into thinking his behaviour is ok. It wasn't at all.

Do the people who respect him know about his violent and abusive past?

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 15:36

Quelle surprise Tam

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