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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 03/12/2018 12:13

You must report. You must protect your child(ren).

If you choose to take what seems like the easier option (it really isn't) then this is going to implode on you and your children badly, with horrendous consequences.

You have to be brave.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 03/12/2018 12:13

You are complicit in the abuse of your child if you choose to do nothing.

If your childminding business is run from your own home, you need to think not about leaving, but about kicking him out. Speak to a solicitor about an occupation order. Speak to the NSPCC - you can do this anonymously. Speak to school - but speak to someone.

RudolphsJinglingBalls · 03/12/2018 12:18

@Ta77Blonde you respect your father for beating the shit out of you with sports equipment? that is NOT discipline, it is assault . My teens have been through rough patches in terms of behaviour but I have never ever used a weapon to beat them and that is not normal or ok in any scenario. My heart breaks for you as you can't see that it is wrong.

A good rule of thumb is "would It be acceptable for a teacher to discipline my child this way" or " if somebody filmed this "discipline" would I be ok to screen it at a party for friends and family"....and if the answer is no then it's not fucking ok.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 03/12/2018 12:18
Flowers I would definitely get out. While in the short term it might disrupt the kids it sends a message that his behaviour towards you and your eldest son is not acceptable. This is important for all of your kids (would you be happy to see your sons behave as he does in the future or have your daughter marry a man who treats her like this?).
Mulberry72 · 03/12/2018 12:18

Ta77 Your view of a normal childhood and discipline is extremely skewed!!

Sarahjconnor · 03/12/2018 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FitzChivalryFarseer · 03/12/2018 12:19

He assaulted your child with a baseball bat. Call the police. Get rid. Now.

I was physically chastised (smacked) as a child. Both my brothers had implements similar to a baseball bat used on them. We are all emotionally damaged adults. My mother stood by and let it happen (and joined in). I do not respect my parents. I hate them.

Please, for your entire family’s sake. You need him out.

Kewcumber · 03/12/2018 12:20

@Ta77Blonde I respect my father too. No being beaten required. My teenager respects me, even though he is cheeky at times and argumentative. No beatings required there either.

Do you beat the people you work with to get respect? According to you that would work a treat.

It's very sad that you've normalised that as acceptable even laudable behaviour

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 03/12/2018 12:20

I also think when people talk about staying in unhappy marriages for the kids they generally mean a marriage which has just lost it's spark, the parents no longer have much in common but can function respectfully towards each other and the kids.

recklessruby · 03/12/2018 12:21

Sorry read it wrong. Bad enough if he hit the OP with a baseball bat across the hand but his son? This poor boy needs your help now. He's being abused.

TheFaerieQueene · 03/12/2018 12:23

If a person outside your immediate family did this to your son, what would be your response?

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 12:24

he hit your son with a baseball bat?

He is lucky your son didn't call the police on him, which is what you should have done.

You are massively minimising this. And I would go ballistic if I thought my child was being looked after in such a household.

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 12:25

You wonder if you should stay in the marriage for the kids. The kids, he’s physically abusing.

Listen to yourself.

Kewcumber · 03/12/2018 12:25

I understand that it difficult thinking how you manage practically with a violent partner and a childcare business run from home. But you have to think it through and do it.

I can't imagine allowing anyone to hit my child (I have a teen) with a baseball bat never mind someone who is supposed to love and protect them and ever sharing a house with them again.

ALl your children presumably think this behaviour is OK and that having him around and being beaten is better than not having him around. This might be one of the saddest threads I've ever read. Your conern appears to be that you have an unhappy marriage not that your child is being beaten and bullied.

Bungleinthejungle · 03/12/2018 12:25

This is appalling OP, I'm sorry. What would you say if a stranger hit your son with a baseball bat? Would you be outraged? Because his father is the one doing it, makes it worse, because he should be able to trust his father to put his interests first and not take his anger and aggression out on him.

Your son could well end up despising you too. Because it's hard to forgive the parent who knows the other parent's behaviour is wrong but colludes by not doing anything about it.

You need support to get a more realistic perspective on what's going on here: Counselling, Women's Aid, someone who will show you that this is not acceptable behaviour.

ButchyRestingFace · 03/12/2018 12:27

Is your husband the father of your eldest son?

Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.

I was physically chastised as a child. My parent were absolutely thumped and belted by their very trigger happy parents, which wasn't atypical of that era. But I doubt even they would have taken a baseball bat (!) to their kids.

At least your son will soon be old enough to go to university/leave home and never return. How do you feel about possibly having minimal/no contact with your son in the future due to the actions of your husband?

flumpybear · 03/12/2018 12:28

OP. Wake up!! You're living with a psycho who hit your child with a baseball bat - what next? When is it too much?
Tell him to
Move out - I'd be calling the police and getting a charge against him

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 03/12/2018 12:28

If I found out my Childminders DH hit their child with a bat I would pull my kid out of their faster than a fast thing on a fast day.
You are a mother, your job is to protect your child from ANYONE who will cause them harm, no matter how hard. This isn't a one off. At what point will the violence towards your son be deemed enough by your standards to leave?

Kewcumber · 03/12/2018 12:31

And what happens when he deos start on your 8 year old. You say you're sure he's no threat but was he beating the 16 year old with a baseball bat when he was 8? I bet he wasn't - just when he started developing challenging behaviour in which case you can't say it won't happen with the others.

Or do you expect them to stay subservient and cowed so they don't get hit?

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 12:32

You’re not even just putting your own children at risk. Your email knowingly putting other people’s children at risk too. That’s just unforgivable.

You can leave this man and nobody would even need to know why but I can gaurauntee that in time, he will do something horrific and everybody will know about it.

starryeyedsnowgirl · 03/12/2018 12:32

It's probably hard to hear all of this. You say you want to stay for the sake of the children, but your eldest son "hates him" and is physically abused by him. So you want to stay for the sake of your other two children? Are they your favourite two? Does their need for happiness with their father (and by the way they probably aren't that happy with him if they have seen him be physically violent) trump your eldest child's safety?

At what point would it become unacceptable to you? Your son has "only" had bruises. That is fine by you. What if the bruising was on his face where others would comment? What if your partner really lost control and broke a couple of his ribs, gave him a serious head injury or caused some permanent physical damage?

Where do you draw the line at how much violence you allow towards your child? What if your son runs away?

I know it's not easy to leave, but you need to protect your child. This will not get better. It will continue, it will get worse and it will eventually come to the "happy" children you are so keen to protect. You have to show all of your children that violence in a relationship is unacceptable.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2018 12:38

If/when (hopefully) son reports this you will lose your business
Your husband will no longer be able to work with children so that’s the school Governor/sports coach out of the window and rightly so
Shoving a mouthy teenager s wromg but perhaps understandable but hitting with a baseball bat is very very wrong and probably criminal
You cant allow this to continue, once he’s assaulted one member of the family who will it be next? You are not staying for the children, if you want to do anything for the children you need to leave ( preferably throw him out)

ScrambledSmegs · 03/12/2018 12:39

There are things you've written about your husband that make me worry for you in the event of you leaving him. I know you think he doesn't pose a threat to the other children, but he currently is a threat to your eldest child. He clearly has no qualms about harming children. He's dangerous. You can't let your children live with a dangerous man, can you?

The level of control he has over you, the need to be seen as a 'Great Guy', the anger,I think he could well be more dangerous than you realise, and pose a significant threat to you if he feels his control slipping or his image being tarnished.

Could you please call Women's Aid even if you feel like you can't call anyone else?

Hissy · 03/12/2018 12:39

Tell him to get out TODAY - or you will call the police and have him ejected.

WTF are you doing still considering this relationship is in any way viable when he has attached your child?

Winlinbin · 03/12/2018 12:41

The occasional smack I can live with, but a grown man assaulting a teenager with a baseball bat in front of an 8 year old? That is wrong on every level and a reason to leave now quite apart from the living with constant anger and control.

How much further does your husband have to go before you defend your child? Hit him on the head with the bat? Or maybe bruise your daughter or chuck the 8 year old across the room?

You are harming all your children by allowing this to happen. Every day you accept it the damage will get worse.