Angry Dad

[YoflangeKnowall]

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

Your father assaulted you TA and now you assault your son. I wouldn’t say it’s served you well. I don’t know many professionals that would either.

GreatDuckCookery

I do not abuse my son. Its hilarious how you now project that he will abuse others because of this. Get with reality. He is a well mannered, respectful child and wonderful son, who yes sometimes crosses the line and gets a wollop. Wise up!

MamaLovesMango

Discipline from my Father was appreciated. Its not assault. I do not assault my son.
That's the problem these days. Lack of discipline.

Whatever TA. Hopefully he won't think it's ok to hit his children or partner and put a stop to the hand me down of violence you've taken from your dad.

What would you do if he hits you back at some point?

So if I had some sort of authority over you and I happened to hit you because you did something ‘wrong’ TA is that discipline or assault?

Ta77Blonde, the damage your childhood did to you is evident in your posts. You have no boundaries, no understanding of what normal loving parents are like. you associate violence with caring. I feel sad for the small child you were who had to learn those lessons as well as endure the physical pain of being assaulted.

I was reared in the 1970s and my parents never needed to hit anyone.

It's shocking how to see how well conditioned and brainwashed @Ta77Blonde is.

I get that things were different back in the day, but that doesn't make it right now or then.

GreatDuckCookery
You're father shouldn't be respected TA in any way, he sounds like a bully and one that has conditioned you into thinking his behaviour is ok. It wasn't at all.

Im not a Father, check your grammar! And I 100% was not abused. My Father is certainly not a bully.

Do the people who respect him know about his violent and abusive past?

What violent and abusive past??? He disciplined us, like every other Father I know did.

My dad was like this with me. My teenage years were fucking awful and I hated living at home and hated my mother for not leaving. I left at 16/17.

Now, I have a very good relationship with my dad, so in some ways it turned out fine. But my younger brother, who witnessed it all, is profoundly damaged and now is violent towards my father. This does not end well for anyone.

I also now tolerate behaviour from my partner that I don’t think I would tolerate had I not had those experiences growing up. I expect your daughter will walk into an abusive future and your son/s will be themselves unable to express themselves easily without resorting to force - it inevitably repeats.

MumW

I am not brainwashed! lol. I was disciplined by my Father and yes it should be enforced these days.. The world would certainly be a better place if children had respect for elders the way they use to !!

Smacking a 16yr old is not abuse/violence at all.

Bring it back. And in schools!

I am talking about your father TA.

He did abuse you. Hitting a child with a snooker cue and breaking it IS abuse. You have been conditioned into thinking that this behaviour is part of a loving childhood, it absolutely is NOT. And now you're doing the same to your son too.

pallisers

I in no way associate violence with caring!!!!!!
I support smacking children and disciplining them.
Not violence nor abuse!

GreatDuckCookery

I was a teen, there is a massive difference in abuse and violence against children.

And again, I do not abuse my son. A smack across the arm is not abuse. If he is in need of a smack he will get it.

So when your son is a father and he hits your grandchild let's say aged 5 because that's "what you do" in a normal loving family will you intervene and put him straight?

I wonder if Ta77Blonde will be hitting her kids with a ruler or breaking a snooker cue on them? I hope not and I doubt it. The world (or at least our part of it) has moved on and it’s no longer acceptable or legal to treat women and children in that way.

I guess she has to try and justify it because the alternative would be to accept that the father she loves abused her and her siblings to the extent that domestic violence became their ‘normal’.

Ta. Why did you leave your abusive relationship?

I remember worrying out loud to a counsellor that I would pass the abuse I survived onto my own children and that to be safe, I should probably not have any. She said that the fact that I was worried about it meant that I was very unlikely to do it as I had realised that my childhood was horribly flawed.

It seems Ta77Blonde never reached that level of understanding

I support smacking children and disciplining them. Not violence nor abuse

What the difference between hitting someone with a snooker cue in the name of discipline and hitting someone with a snooker cue in the name of abuse/violence?

They’re the same act aren’t they?
The act is either ok or it isn’t?

I’m late 30s and when me and my sister were bought in on the 80s we were subject to a lot of ‘discipline’ from our mother and I never ever ‘appreciated it’. We too were quiet and well behaved and respectful children because we were petrified what would happen to us if we fell out of line.

I would never never discipline my children in the way my mother disciplined me because yes, it was abuse.

TA so as far as your concerned your father's parenting of you, other than it appearing to make hitting your own son fine in your eyes, has had absolutely no negative impact in your life at all? Happy with all the decisions and relationships you've had as an adult?

Open you eyes. There's a reason why this kind of discipline is now frowned upon - because there are so many fucked up adults wandering around because of it.

But how will your son know that he shouldn't hit his five year old? He's been whacked by his own mother and it's all part of a normal upbringing apparently. What's to say he won't start hitting his dc at a younger age?

A smack is a good thing in certain circumstances. Im not condoning violent behaviour anywhere

Can't you see the contradiction here?

If he is in need of a smack he will get it.

What a wonderful mantra to teach a young man....

Would this sort of attitude be accepted within a marriage if a man used that line to defend him being violent to his wife? Could he say he mom always told him that if someone ‘needed a smack’ then it was fine to give it???

Or is it only an acceptable excuse to justify a parent hitting a child?

QueenofmyPrinces

That's unfortunate. I was never petrified in my childhood. It wasn't the norm in my family but it did happen a few times in my teens. Obviously a different scenario to mine.

I'm of an age where smacking was relatively common for kids. That doesn't mean I think it's ok to hit your child with a baseball bat! I agree that many kids don't seem to be disciplined these days, but hitting them is not the solution.