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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
BasilFaulty · 04/12/2018 00:50

Let's all stop engaging with Ta they are not going to change their mind and they're talking out their arse

I think OP has gone anyway. Sad

Blondebakingmumma · 04/12/2018 04:53

Ta77

Sorry that you were raised in a violent house and feel this is normal. I think the only time you may actually listen to this fact is if your children won’t let you mind their own kids because they don’t want their chit to be abused by you too

Flowerpot2005 · 04/12/2018 05:04

OP I think you sound scared & worried, which is only natural.

It's easy everyone sat at home telling you what you should/shouldn't do but your the ones that any decisions affect.

It sounds like the violence is escalating & so you need to dig deep & then get him out the house. Call the police, they will help you get him out. This is a really crucial time in your relationship with your DC, standing up for your DS & protecting the younger two. The younger ones may not understand now, but they will in the future. Your DS needs you to make this stop x

explodingkitten · 04/12/2018 11:00

Why are you ok with someone abusing your children? IMO letting this go on makes you an abuser too, the child can't go anywhere and you're happy to see him hurt as long as it protects you and your other children.

Ta77Blonde · 04/12/2018 11:10

I am entitled to my opinion and yes there are plenty of people who are the same as me. A smack is fine.

I enjoyed this debate.
I do honestly think that you are all jumping on the bandwagon of advising OP to leave far too soon before knowing more details.
Yes my Father did step over the line a few times in my teens but 99% of the time he was a wonderful Father and husband.
Maybe my youth was not normal to a lot of you, well that's also fine, I respect your opinions.
We are all Mothers who want the best for our children at the end of the day. I would die for my children.
Good Luck Ladies!

MrsMWA · 04/12/2018 11:17

My dad was abused as a kid and as a result hit, kicked, pinched me often from a very young age. I have never ever touched my child in anger, ever. I also don’t leave my child unsupervised with either of my parents and never would. Your DH needs to leave, how long before he starts on the younger ones?

recklessruby · 04/12/2018 11:28

By the way I was a 70s kid too. I was never hit by my parents and I still love and respect them to this day.
They were frequently told by other adults "just give her a smack. You'll spoil her".
They didn't spoil me. They gave me a fantastic childhood and also taught me how to parent my own children.
There are other punishments than physical chastisment after all.
I haven't hit my kids either but they respect me.
Nowhere does OP say her son actually did anything to deserve punishment. He could have just been being a typical 16 year old (and we have all wanted to smack them) but we control ourselves because we are adults.

Ycochyn · 04/12/2018 12:28

I stayed with my violent drunken ex much longer than I should have. No matter that he never hit my 14 year old dd, she saw him hitting me and now has ptsd and other mental health problems and it's my fault for putting up with it so long. I'll never forgive myself Sad

FLOWER1982 · 04/12/2018 12:47

Your post made me so angry. Those poor children. There is so much wrong with what you wrote. None of that is acceptable. Why are you with him and letting him do that?

If you were my childminder I would remove my children immediately and report you.

I didn't have the best childhood. My mum had a boyfriend who abused us (physically). My brother no longer speaks to any of us and blames my mum for letting it happen. He was sexually abused also. I am highly sensitive Nd it has really affected me. I can't believe your children would want you to stay together. That must be frightening watching a family member being hit with a baseball bat. What on earth is that teaching them?

Girlofgold · 04/12/2018 20:29

Do your husband a favour and act now (ask him to leave and get help) after the baseball incident. It might escalate and he won't come back from that in the eyes of the law or your children. The other stuff is rough and horrible bullying shit. The baseball bat has crossed the line imo. Act now and he may change and salvage his relationships. Good luck op.

tigwig76 · 04/12/2018 21:33

Ok as a childminder you really must know what you need to do. You are failing massively to safeguard all of your children. This is not only wrong on a personal level but professionally if Ofsted or any other authority body find out you will be suspended immediately and may end up having a lengthy investigation meaning you could be out of work for months on end.
You are breaching regulations by enabling this situation to carry on and not protecting your child. Surely you can see that? Have you completed level 3 child protection?
Please end this relationship asap before you lose everything including your eldest child. It must be very tough for you and I wish you the best. Please take care.

Purpleartichoke · 04/12/2018 21:48

You have to leave. You are responsible for protecting ALL your children.

If you won’t do it for your oldest, at least consider that eventually he will turn on the younger ones.

Sexykitten2005 · 04/12/2018 22:00

I knew a man whose father had abused and beaten him with weapons from a young age, going as far as I mentioned above beating with a pool cue.

He is the saddest individual I ever met and I often worry about him from afar. He is desperate for love and mistakes any kindness for affection. He has been given several warnings at work for harassing friendly coworkers, I went for a drink with him one evening and he stalked me for 6 months, he has never had a relationship or a true friendship and has no one in his life. He is late 40s in a low paid job that he keeps getting warnings at, with no confidence, no self esteem, no understanding of human interaction and no the slightest understanding how to change any of it. He will die as lonely and unhappy as he is now and there is nothing anyone can do to help him change. All because his bastard of a father was a violent abusive cunt and his mother never stood up for him.

The damage your husband is doing could potentially last generations. Protect your son

Sexykitten2005 · 04/12/2018 22:00

*is

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