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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
Blatherskite · 03/12/2018 17:02

So verbal abuse is violence but smacking isn't?

That makes no sense.

OJSquash · 03/12/2018 17:02

I was hit frequently as a child by my stepfather. Controlled and emotionally abused. I was terrified of him. He caused me substantial injuries which I still have physical scars from to this day. My mum finally left him when I was 12 (he brought me up as his own from age 1) but the mental scars of his abuse remained for a very long time.
It made me resent my mum for not getting me away from his abuse earlier. It's taken a lot of counselling and family therapy to get through this and form a bond with my mum again. Thankfully we are ok now and I love her more than anything.
This doesn't mean that your eldest would necessarily forgive you in later life though. Please get out of this situation now rather than later. Your son is still a child and he does not deserve physical force and emotional abuse from his own father.
These are very difficult years for any teenage boy without having to live in fear of his dad also.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 17:02

Ive just asked my colleagues, they agree, a smack sometimes is definitely a good thing!

Thank you and good night!

SaveKevin · 03/12/2018 17:03

I wouldn’t hit my kids, the same as I wouldn’t hit my partner, my neighbour or any other human on the planet.
Violence teaches violence.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 17:03

Blatherskite

A smack from a Mother to her teenage son is acceptable

Verbal abuse from a stranger is abusive and violent.

Miss Perfect Pants MammaLikesMango is a closet abuser! ;-)

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 17:03

Hits a kid - not violence or abuse
Someone says a bad word - violence and abuse!!

Hmm

I actually don’t know whether to laugh or not at how fucked up that thinking is.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 17:04

Laugh Mama, Laugh..

MamaLovesMango · 03/12/2018 17:04

Bye Falicia!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 17:06

A smack from a Mother to her teenage son is acceptable

To you maybe that doesn't mean that it is.

What about a father smacking his teenage daughter? That's abuse in my eyes too. Obviously you're ok with that? Does that teenage girl think it's ok to be hit by any future partners?

pallisers · 03/12/2018 17:08

Ive just asked my colleagues, they agree, a smack sometimes is definitely a good thing!

All of them?

The American Academy of Paediatrics has done actual research on this (not just asking the bloke at the next desk) and have data to show hitting children is damaging to their brain development and doesn't work as discipline. you would think you'd hardly need research to teach people not to hit their children, but there you are.

People hit their children not because it is good or helpful or works. Every piece of research says it doesn't. they do it because it makes them feel good in that moment. They just won't admit that.

RyVeeta · 03/12/2018 17:10

Wow! Ta77
You really need an education of some sort. Smacking is a violent action toward another. It doesn't teach respect, and yet you regard swearing on an internet forum as a violent and abusive action whilst very obviously being totally unaware of the social mores surrounding dysphemism. I find that sad and interesting and am amused at that unicorn you are perched atop. It's a long drop and you are making yourself look more than a tad foolish.

ikltownofboothlehem · 03/12/2018 17:17

Interesting reading

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 17:19

RyVeeta

It taught me respect.

Go figure that out!

RiverTam · 03/12/2018 17:22

To respect someone bigger than yourself bring violent to those smaller and weaker.

That is all kinds of fucked up.

I feel utterly sorry got whatever poor girl ends up with your son. Either she'll spend an age unpicking the damage you've done it she'll be on these boards posting about her violent partner dishing it out to her or her kids.

Shame on you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 17:23

It taught me respect

No it didn't. If it had you wouldn't be hitting your children.

Gilead · 03/12/2018 17:25

RyVeeta

It taught me respect.

Go figure that out!
But it absolutely didn't, did it. It taught you that violence was a substitute for respect. Fear is not respect.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 17:26

Oh well if Ta77 colleagues agree with her then surely this discussion is at an end? They have spoken!!

I respect my dad and did respect my mum. I managed that without getting struck with weapons.

And conversely, I’m not against a sharp smack on the hand of a young child in certain situations but that is not what is happening in the op’s house.

CovenofMiLsfromHades · 03/12/2018 17:33

Good luck OP you can get away from this abusive man and protect your children from him. You will get a lot of help and support if your reach out so don't stay in this horrible situation any longer.

trulybadlydeeply · 03/12/2018 17:33

Can I respectfully suggest that people stop engaging with Ta on this thread, she clearly has some deeply entrenched thoughts and beliefs as a result of the abuse she experienced as a child, and sadly I don't believe that the discourse on this thread is going to change her mindset.

I am concerned, however that much of the good advice and support being given to the OP is being lost in amongst all of this. OP you need to act now. Call the police. Your partner assaulted your son yesterday. There will be support out there to get you through all this, and to allow you and your DC to live the life you all deserve.

HildaZelda · 03/12/2018 17:33

Your husband is abusing your son and you're enabling him.
My father did the same to me as a child. My mother never stood there, watched him do it and never intervened.
I'm NC with both of them now and what happened has had a massive bearing on my life.
I hate my father for what he did, but I hate my mother even more for letting him do it. I will never ever forgive her.
You need to sort it out now or else in another year or two your son will want nothing more to do with you.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 17:36

Yes you're absolutely right truly, it's just derailing the thread engaging with TA.

Hopefully the OP will be back.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/12/2018 18:20

This is very clear cut, YoflangeKnowall. If anyone finds out about your DH's criminal violence towards your DS you will no longer be able to be a childminder and your DH will not be allowed to be a school governor or a youth sports coach.

I thought childminders had to have safeguarding training. Did you skip that bit? Because you don't seem to be thinking about the situation in a way that suggests you're a safe pair of hands for your own DC, let alone other people's.

You have no choice. If you don't split from this man you will lose your business, at least one of your DC and any reputation you may have.

How would you feel if someone was showing what's been going on to your DC in the form of a documentary? Outraged, I'd guess, that anyone should present such appalling behaviour as normal family life.

But that's what you're doing. You're showing your precious DC that this is OK. And it's not. As a PP said, your DH is abusive and you are neglectful.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 03/12/2018 19:13

I don't know why I didn't think about it at the time but I've been the outsider informed of child abuse twice, both times when the boy involved was in their mid teens.

The first time one of DS1's mates wouldn't come out to his SF after a sleepover and when I went to find out why I found the poor lad curled up in a heap. The boys told me the SF was hitting DS1's mate. I rushed out and confronted the horrible man. Told him that he ever hit that boy again I'd call the police and social services. He never did. I don't know where I got the strength to scare him, but I did.

The second time was really serious. One of DS2's mates arrived at my house very shaken and with serious bruising round his throat. His dad had tried to strangle him, FFS. Luckily he lives with his mum.

Once he'd calmed down we discussed how he wanted to proceed. We decided to inform the school so that they knew the score and could involve social services/the police in a structured way.

Both these men were found out because the boys shared the information with an adult. This will very likely happen to you.

Blatherskite · 03/12/2018 19:40

"A smack from a Mother to her teenage son is acceptable"

No it's not. It's really not.

Sashkin · 03/12/2018 20:13

I don’t swear at my kids or hit them

Why not? If hitting children with baseballs bats is totally fine and dandy, ought to be introduced in schools, and certainly isn’t anything to leave a relationship over, why don’t you do it?

Maybe because hitting children with baseball bats is not in fact ok?

And I find it extremely hard to believe that you put your teenager over your knee and spank his bottom, and he a) lets you and b) you think that is normal Shock