Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry Dad

189 replies

YoflangeKnowall · 03/12/2018 11:17

I'm new here. Would really appreciate some advice. My husband loses his temper and gets physical with our eldest son, 16. The odd scuffle, he'll physically eject him from a room or restrain him while prising, say, a phone from his hand. The odd bruise. Last night he whacked him across the hand with a baseball bat in front of the other kids. My son literally hates him. I want out.
My daughter, nearly 15 and other son 8 love him. I'm sure he poses no threat to them. None of them want to see the family broken up I think, even the eldest.
He's very controlling, in particular with finances. I'm basically broke. Tempted to report his violence but frightened of the fallout (or of nothing happening as a result). Of course everyone thinks he's Mr Nice Guy, school governor, youth sports coach etc.
I am a registered Childminder so would be sabotaging my own business by blowing the whistle on him. Obviously the children's safety comes first, but I don't think there is real danger (most certainly not to anyone else's kids). It's more the constant anger and controlling behaviour. He ticks every single box on the sociopath list. What to do? I would love to hear from anyone who can understand why it might be better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids x

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 03/12/2018 12:41

Why are you letting him assault your son?

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 12:42

You risk losing your other two children due to failure to protect them from abuse (witnessing abuse of other IS abuse). If you want to keep ANY of your children, get out now.

ElsieMc · 03/12/2018 12:42

It seems op that you are being financially abused and are fearful of not coping alone and so are allowing his treatment of your son. It's hard to be criticised when you know you must sort out the problem or you wouldn't have posted. It seems like his dominance and control has overwhelmed you and you are afraid of provoking him.

Your younger two children are only safe because they have not yet challenged his authority and surely it is not good for them to see their brother treated in this way.

Either way you are screwed. If you are seen as condoning this behaviour social services will take a dim view of the situation. Please do get some support from WA now. You need real life support to end this situation immediately for the sake of your son, a young man undeserving of such treatment from someone who is meant to love and protect him.

Bekabeech · 03/12/2018 12:43

Why didn't you call the police?

Sorry but if anyone went for anyone with a baseball bat I would be calling them.

(A threat with one, by someone who was cornered, I might let go - but legally even that would be dodgy.)

Your younger children are also being abused by being in a home where this kind of thing happens. To be honest if you don't do something them you are damaging them and your house of cards could collapse anytime - just one comment to someone who takes safeguarding seriously.

lostelephant · 03/12/2018 12:43

Get out. I know it's not your fault OP but how you can stand by and watch abuse happen to your own child is beyond me.

aintnothinbutagstring · 03/12/2018 12:49

Your poor son, he will probably leave home at the first opportunity. I doubt your other DC love your DH, how could they seeing their brother being treated like that, they probably are too fearful of being the next victim.

BrokenWing · 03/12/2018 12:52

If my dh ever laid a finger in anger on our ds his feet wouldn't touch the ground on the way out the door. But it is easy for me to say that because I know he never would.

You are living with a man who is physically assaulting your son. He will do it to the younger one once he is older. No guarantee he wont do it to your dd as well, or if her doesn't physically assault her he might emotionally.

Put your kids first, which means zero tolerance of any level of physical or emotional violence.

loubluee · 03/12/2018 12:52

Sorry OP I am going to be harsh.

You are a registered childminder, so you are well aware of safeguarding. YOU are ALLOWING your CHILD to be ABUSED.

What would you do if you found out a child in your care was being abused?

QueenofmyPrinces · 03/12/2018 12:56

What if he was hitting your daughter with a baseball bat? Would that be ok?

Or is it because he’s doing it to a male that you think it doesn’t really matter?

Obviouspretzel · 03/12/2018 13:01

Echo what previous posters have said. The other worrying this is that you can leave your kids with a childminder in a house where this is happening. Other people's kids are at risk too. There's no point pretending this man is only capable of hurting one child.

Blatherskite · 03/12/2018 13:05

I was this child. My father beat me, broke teeth, mentally abused me and yet left my younger siblings alone. My Mum stayed with him too.

  • I'll never have the self esteem that robbed me of. Never feel worthwhile. I was the 'disposable' child and I've always felt that way. He could do what he liked to me as long as he left the 'important' kids alone.
  • When I left home, he started on my sister. The younger ones are NOT safe.
  • It was only at nearly 40, when I was doing an NSPCC safeguarding course for a role I do, that I realised that what my Mum did was actually NEGLECT. She failed in her responsibility to protect and look after me. She knew I was being abused and she let it happen. You are neglecting your oldest child too.
7yo7yo · 03/12/2018 13:06

This must be a joke.
I hope your child leaves and never looks back.
In fact I hope all Your children do.

RagingWhoreBag · 03/12/2018 13:06

If you think staying with him benefits your daughter in any way, think again. She will seek out a husband just like him. It’s the cycle of abuse.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/12/2018 13:14

You are his mother, protect your poor Son.
Your husbands violence will escalate, act now, report him to the Police, get him out.
Never would I allow anyone to hurt any of my children.

Topseyt · 03/12/2018 13:28

He is controlling you financially, and he is being physically abusive to your 16 year old DS.

I do know how challenging 16 year olds can be, I have had three of them. They can be argumentative and still somewhat childish, but physically they have grown into young adults. Nothing justifies assaulting them or any other child with a weapon. That goes way beyond normal discipline.

You need to protect your own children and those you mind by getting your DH out of the house.

This could easily come out. Your 16 year old might be asked about the bruise at school, he might decide to tell a teacher what happened. Who could blame him if he did!? The school would then very likely consider it a safeguarding issue and report to the relevant authorities. If that happens then enquiries would be made as to the safety of all of your children, and your suitability as a childminder. Your business would be dead in the water.

Your DH is an arse. He should not be working with other young people.

Call Women's Aid. Get as much legal advice as you can and work on getting him out.

Topseyt · 03/12/2018 13:31

Oh, and yes to speaking to the police and reporting the assault.

That would help your DS and would surely show that you mean to protect your children and your business from this arsehole.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/12/2018 13:31

This cannot possibly be real.

But just in case; OP 'staying in an unhappy marriage' means that the husband and wife don't get along, they can carry off the 'charade' of happy families, and so the children are 'safe and happy'. Or so they think.

What you are describing is an unbelievably abusive marriage in which you are being financially (& otherwise) abused and your oldest child is being physically assaulted by his father. At some point the youngest two will either see what's going on and/or will start to become victims themselves.

By staying in this marriage, no matter how 'good' you think your reasons may be, you are complicit in the abuse of your son.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 13:32

Call Women's Aid and talk to them.
You can't do nothing OP, it isn't right to sit back and let him keep abusing your son.

What's his actual problem with him? What causes these incidents?

Girlsworld92 · 03/12/2018 13:33

If you put your childminding training into practice what would you do? You know what is right so get things in place and leave.

FishesThatFly · 03/12/2018 13:35

.

Ta77Blonde · 03/12/2018 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nicknacky · 03/12/2018 14:27

Ta77 You are not helping the op. Discipline is perfectly reasonable and I expect children to be disciplined. But causing bruise, striking a child with a baseball bat are not discipline. It’s assaultive and illegal.

Your post is dangerous to people who live in violent households, your family might have turned out “fine” but 1 child a week is killed by abusive parents and those children have to be protected by the adults in the household.

recklessruby · 03/12/2018 14:30

TA77blonde it's not being a snowflake to complain about abuse
That poor boy is getting hit by a violent man and the OP needs to protect him.
I work in a school and if he came to me with this story I would be DUTY BOUND to report it to the safeguarding team at school. I could lose my job otherwise. OP could lose her childminding business.
I have brought up 2 teenagers and dealt with challenging behaviour and it is tough but a good parent does not beat their children.
Kids run away from homes like these and end up on the streets even more vulnerable.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2018 14:33

Objecting to assaulting a child with a baseball bat is not “so pc” and teachers hitting students is illegal for very good reason. Discipline is not assault and vice versa, if yiu need to use violence to make your point then you don’t have one
You are either a bridgedweller or an idiot or possibly both Ta77
Now go and deal with your own issues elsewhere as you are being spectacularly unhelpful

ButchyRestingFace · 03/12/2018 14:35

I got the ruler across my hands and Im still alive!

@Ta77Blonde, do be sure to report back here when you get the baseball bat across your hand.

Swipe left for the next trending thread